*Long winded ramble*
After 36 years as a man ( not much of one admittedly)I have decided to retire and become a woman. I am utterly useless as a man anyway. Anyone who knows me knows I'm useless at DIY but today I took it to a whole new level. When you can't even change a lightbulb it's time to call it a day. I blew all the upstairs lights trying to do the simplest of DIY jobs.
It's over for me.... Friday night I wanted to go to Turners cross for the city game but was instead attending a tea party for all the princess's (of which I was one).
Saturday I tried to watch the united match with a 2 year old swinging off my neck like a lesbian ninja while getting my nails painted by the 4 year old. The only way I could get to see the match was to have a pretend hip operation while lying on the ground.
These women of mine are literally sucking the life clean out of me.
Sunday morning I had all 3 barking orders at me simultaneously for different things and resistance was futile.
I stayed calm and went about changing Ellie's nappy. Now I'm a veteran at the nappies and its a rare one bugs me but sweet Jesus Christ this nappy was a danger to mankind's existence.
I immediately started to cry with the emotion of it at first but then as I empty reached repeatedly a strange calm came over me. I became devoid of emotion now and went to the car where I sat for what seemed like an hour with the thousand yard stare looking soullessly out the window.I knew this nappy would leave me needing therapy. I had seen what could not be unseen. How any human body could produce this was a total mystery to me. Even now I can taste it in the air.
Ellie looked at me with those shifty eyes as if to say "this is what you made me do dad, you disgust me." James Bond would have told the Russians everything they needed to know if they just produced this nappy to him.
We went to the St. Patricks day parade and all I could think about was the nappy. I thought about jumping the barricade and just join some random group and keep walking til I hit water but I knew that they would find me in a submarine to make them toast or to go to the shop or to play dollies.
It's not fair what they have done to me. I don't deserve it.Why would anyone put someone through such pain yet they won't be happy til I'm just sitting there on the floor in my jocks dribbling away while they throw old pennies at me while I dance like a monkey for their entertainment. I have rights as well don't I?
My life has been reduced to gone off cans of miller and Facebook rants. Worst of all it's a bank holiday weekend and I have no idea will the bin be collected.
If there is any luck the miller will have poisoned me by the morning. On a more positive note I have the Dora pillow tonight which is my favourite one. Toodle-oo.
After 36 years as a man ( not much of one admittedly)I have decided to retire and become a woman. I am utterly useless as a man anyway. Anyone who knows me knows I'm useless at DIY but today I took it to a whole new level. When you can't even change a lightbulb it's time to call it a day. I blew all the upstairs lights trying to do the simplest of DIY jobs.
It's over for me.... Friday night I wanted to go to Turners cross for the city game but was instead attending a tea party for all the princess's (of which I was one).
Saturday I tried to watch the united match with a 2 year old swinging off my neck like a lesbian ninja while getting my nails painted by the 4 year old. The only way I could get to see the match was to have a pretend hip operation while lying on the ground.
These women of mine are literally sucking the life clean out of me.
Sunday morning I had all 3 barking orders at me simultaneously for different things and resistance was futile.
I stayed calm and went about changing Ellie's nappy. Now I'm a veteran at the nappies and its a rare one bugs me but sweet Jesus Christ this nappy was a danger to mankind's existence.
I immediately started to cry with the emotion of it at first but then as I empty reached repeatedly a strange calm came over me. I became devoid of emotion now and went to the car where I sat for what seemed like an hour with the thousand yard stare looking soullessly out the window.I knew this nappy would leave me needing therapy. I had seen what could not be unseen. How any human body could produce this was a total mystery to me. Even now I can taste it in the air.
Ellie looked at me with those shifty eyes as if to say "this is what you made me do dad, you disgust me." James Bond would have told the Russians everything they needed to know if they just produced this nappy to him.
We went to the St. Patricks day parade and all I could think about was the nappy. I thought about jumping the barricade and just join some random group and keep walking til I hit water but I knew that they would find me in a submarine to make them toast or to go to the shop or to play dollies.
It's not fair what they have done to me. I don't deserve it.Why would anyone put someone through such pain yet they won't be happy til I'm just sitting there on the floor in my jocks dribbling away while they throw old pennies at me while I dance like a monkey for their entertainment. I have rights as well don't I?
My life has been reduced to gone off cans of miller and Facebook rants. Worst of all it's a bank holiday weekend and I have no idea will the bin be collected.
If there is any luck the miller will have poisoned me by the morning. On a more positive note I have the Dora pillow tonight which is my favourite one. Toodle-oo.
I wonder when the girls get older will you show them this, they will nappies again from so much laughing.
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