Love and Marriage.......together.

*Long winded ramble*

As I sit here on xmas eve I'm excited about xmas of course but I'm even more excited about my ickle sister in law to be Aimee getting married on the 27th to my very good friend Johnny "the dreamboat"Cooney. I will post this blog some time on the eve of your wedding to let you know what I think of ye and offer my own advice on love and marriage. 

All I can say Aimee about Jonathan (I use full names when I'm serious)is that you have found someone who will look after you,who loves you dearly has a heart and a soul of gold and wouldn't hurt a fly so please try not to take that for granted and not hurt it particularly on bingo night.

He is undoubtedly an awful pity and half a women but who doesn't love a pity?

I consider him an extremly good friend and now he is family even though he was already anyway.He would do anything for anyone and especially for you. What you see is what you get and he hasn't a bad bone in his body.That is a rare quality in anyone. He has an honest big heart. Be careful with it. 

Jonathan where would I start with Aimee?I know her 11+ years since she was a cranky teenager who I paid to do my ironing but she is the only little sister I have ever had as my own sister is older so to me she was always my only little sister.I love her dearly and have always looked after her more than any of my other sister in laws.She has got some sneaky 20 euros down the years.

We both know that Bennett's are unique in more ways than one but one thing you could never accuse Aimee of is of being anything other than extremly kind,caring,loving and so beyond generous it is ridiculous.She also has a heart of pure gold.

Obviously she is beautiful looking and Aimee's good points simply blow any of her bad points out of the way. When I see they way she is with my two daughters I get beyond emotional to know that my children will always have her and now you in their life no matter what ever happens to me or us.

I don't think Catherine or my favourite  Bennett Liz or even Aunty William will disagree or mind when I say that Aimee is the favourite Aunt. I am so gateful for that and I don't take that for granted for one second. They cherish the ground Aimee walks on and I know you do as well even though you are a moan bag.

Obviously as much as I love you Jonathan I will however have to issue the obligatory double leg breaking warning if you were to in any way harm hurt or break Aimees heart. That goes without saying.Try scoring goals for Glenthorn  when you have 2 legs like forrest gump.Some people would say you actually run like him a bit anyway with your duck ass. 

As for advice I can offer you on marriage well it's very limited. I'm not religious (sorry Mam) despite getting married in a church myself but before I got marrried I took time to think what I wanted and therefore took the vows I made at the alter very very serious (and I'm not a serious person at all as you know).I also took them for the long haul.Those vows are what I go back to if we are having a bad patch/day. Marriage isn't always easy of course and is filled with a roller coaster of all sorts of emotion and highs and lows and that's why for me anyway it's important to remember you signed up for this and you signed up to it for life. 

There will be all sorts of problems/obstacles put in your way like stress or finacial worry or just having a bad day at the office.There will be days where you are sick of it all and wish you could be 20 again with nothing but a weekend of partying and hangovers to be responsible for but that's when you need to remember what you signed up for most. 

All those bad days or days where there may be an argument are nothing at all though compared to the deep love you have for each other. They are nothing compared to a hug or a kiss for no reason. They are nothing compared to coming home and just bursting to get in the front door to relax with your soulmate and be in their company. 

Remind yourself of this and remind each other of it often and do not forget to do it and do not take the smallest things for granted. This life is too short for silly arguments and do not let resentment or hatred into your house at any stage or in any way.Talk things through and sort out problems and don't let them crack your love. Love does and should always conquer all. 

Be there for each other and pull each other through any bad times your other half may be going through. Be there for each other always. 

I called this post "Love and marriage....... together" and it's the together part that I subscribe to most. Look across the alter to each other tomorrow and know ye are doing this together as two people.I asked myself before I got married could I and would I want to be sitting next to Jane in 50 years time and still be happy and the answer was simply and unequivocally yes. 

I hope ye laugh together. I hope ye cry together. I hope ye are sad together. I hope ye love together.I hope ye hate together. I hope ye care together. I hope ye cherish together.I hope ye are friends together I hope ye have fun together.I hope ye have many many many years TOGETHER. I can't offer you any more advice at all and all that is left for me to do is wish two people I love so dearly all the best for the big day and especially in life from Jane,your adopted daughters Mia and Eliie and myself.Don't forget to enjoy the day for gods sake. Nothing matters only sharing the day with family and friends and no matter what goes right or wrong on the day you will be surrounded by them all day. 

There isn't a meal,band,dj or mishap bad enough that can take away the fact you are getting married with all of us around. Thats all that matters. Take it all in. Every minute.

You always here me say that you have to grab everyday that you can that is good as no matter what life will 200% give you bad days so enjoy this day to the full and the next few weeks in particular.

R.I.P. snappy and spotty

*long winded ramble*

I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the recent passing of the only other males in this house which were our goldfish spotty and snappy. l went away for one weekend on a stag to return to be told that the two lads were "sleeping with the fishes". 

Since the day they were brought home they were fed twice by the children and then of course for the following 12 months I had to feed them. Goldfish are for life and not just for Xmas people.

In this mad house of women the 2 lads were always there for me in the corner of the kitchen always listening to me and never judging me and they always give me encouragement to keep going and never give up as I buttered round after round of toast and filled the dishwasher etc etc. I laughed and cried with them and I miss them terrible.

The 2 lads always loved oldies and Irish in particular on Sunday mornings with me and even Derry O Callaghan read out a text I sent one Sunday for me and the lads.

Snappy was the quiet one while spotty to be honest was a bit thick but you had to love him. He could swim away happy out for hours and hide in the castle from snappy. They were happy fish and never a bother to anyone.

When I pass that empty tank I well up and think of the good times at 3am just checking in with the lads and they always listened. No problem was to big or 2 small for them and they would blow a few bubbles of laughter when I'd tell them a joke.

I was going to involve the Gardai as I believe they may have been starved on purpose as our pet history isn't good. We had 2 kittens called Alfie and George and they never worked out. Alfie had a nervous disposition and ran away. Poor fecker was ruined with nerves and then our neighbours catknapped George who we rarely see now apart from when he kills a rat.

To think my gang here want a dog is frightening. They couldn't even feed poor snappy and spotty for a few days.I like to think that snappy and spotty are now in pet heaven with lassie and shergar having the lols and smoking cigars and playing poker or bingo laughing it up.

I took snappy and spotty down to the trees in the back garden to bury them and I played their favourite Diana Ross album to send them off and scattered what was left of the fish food over them.I thought the girls might be upset when they found out but Mia just said we can get more and not to be sad while Ellie the super thug just roared at me to get milk.I'll see ye on the other side my fishy friends.

Rest in peace spotty and snappy.

Parental Control Setting Pt. 2.

*long winded ramble* 

Well in part one we learned that Kids are essentially small idiot versions of yourself so here are a few more of my top tips to dealing with the mini-me muppets.We covered subjects like brain washing,emergency nappies,toy recycling and disraction techniques in part one and tonight I will touch on subjects like car etiquette,bribery/decision making,reverse psychology,playing dead and a few more. 

7.Bribery/decision making.This will obviously be a natural trick that parents have used for hundreds of years. You want the Child to do something but it won't do it so you bribe it with sweets or give it a choice to make.However I find parents only use this very sparingly when things are getting out of hand and they are under pressure.I use it for everything and use it every 5 minutes.

If Mia wants to stay up another 5 minutes then she gets no bed time story. If Mia wants to go to the playground then she better clean up the toys. This works for my poor soft hearted Mia very well and she understands the concept of bribery/decision making. However Ellie the super thug baby will simply have none of this bribery nonsense. If Ellie wants to stay up for 5 Mins then she is staying up I can tell you. If Ellie wants to go to the playground then you are going to the playground or suffer the worst earth shattering ,teeth grinding,exorcism scream and sturn face you have ever seen. Moral of the story here is Mia is a big wuss idiot softy like her dad and Ellie is (how do i put this)like her wildchild Mam. 

8.Cars can be very difficult for parents and there can be a lot of hassle in the car so get your car etiquette right. Always give them something to do or eat or drink in the car to start with. Make sure any food or drink they get are the exact same as if one child has something different to the other child then you know full well one child will want what the other has. This is your fault and not the childs. You are an idiot. 

If child A has a broken glass full of razor blades that is on fire then child B is going to want it regardless. Remember, they are also idiots. Always answer the Queations no matter how many times they ask. If you fawn them off with "I'm driving sweetheart so stop asking me questions" then they will be crying in minutes and kicking the seat and each other etc. and driving you nuts. I once answered 62 straight questions from Mia until she was a dribbling wreck and her brain had melted. 

Play "I spy" but give them something they will never ever guess. They keep asking is it this or that and all you have to do is say no over and over and enjoy the radio. Even if they guess it say no.!When they do get really irritated then pull out the big guns and promise them something huge that you were probably going to do or give them anyway. 

An example of this is to make a big huge circus type fuss,get all hyper and say in a dopey loud voice "who wants to go to the playground?". The dopes will instantly forget why they wanted to kill each other and be giggling like fools but you were going anyway so the joke is on them. If it gets very very bad then pull over but say nothing. Look out the window and sit there in silence. They dont know how to cope with that at all. It will take up to 5 minutes and they will be roaring crying and asking why you are stopped etc. but you will be amazed at how quick they stop crying because they have seen a butterfly or a dog out the window. 

I know im repeating myself but never forget they are idiots.Another good one if they are tense and narky is to roar "there is nanny over there" and point and then they forget what was going on while they look for fake nanny. 

The simple thing to remember for any car journey short or long is to start out well. Be on time and allow for the fact that they are stupid small people. For example if you need to be at dancing or football at 5.30 pm and the drive takes 10 minutes then 5.15 is not enough time to get them into the car unless you want world war III. You know full well the dopes wander aroound like people on LSD most of the time so at 4.45 you need to start telling them you will be leaving shortly. 

They will need 5-10 minutes to stop playing whatever they are playing.Its now 4.55 and you think you have loads of time but its going to take another ten minutes to get starskey and hutch into coats or jumpers etc. Make them go to the toilet also at gunpoint if neccessary. It's now 5.05pm an out to the car you go.Then it's another ten minutes to get them into car seats as they jump around thinking the car is brilliant and dad cant catch us. 

Eventually you get going for 5.15 the time you originally thought was alright to leave. If you do try leave at that time then you should expect WWIII and it would be your own fault. 

8.Reverse physcholgy is self explanatory as well and a very handy technique that works very well with decision making and bribery.Simple examples are: "I would love to go upstairs to make a camp but we can't as we have to put all these toys away and get into our pj's first and i cant be bothered". My girls turn into Usain Bolt if you pull this trick. You can also say "Its an awful pity ye didn't finish dinner and that ye won't stop moaning because I was going to call over to Aunty Aimee's for a cup of tea". For safety reasons you would want to actually get out of the way after saying that one because it's like a stampede then to get to the car with beans on toast everywhere. 

9.Playing dead! This one is much the same as pulling over the car. If you are all out of tricks and they are driving you spare and nothing seems to work then I'll always have playing dead in my pocket and it never fails for me but then again not everyone can managhe to block out the pain and noise of screaming or fighting kids. 

If it's all too much and you can feel the pulmonary embolism starting then just lay down where you are either on your back or on your front and literally go to another place and completely detach and withdraw. It's amazing there. Nine times out of ten if i use this im normally singing "heal the world" by wacko jacko as its just perfect for the occasion. If you sing a little bit of it there in your head you will see what I mean.

Take the 5 mins out on the floor and if they still havent come around then it's time to get a grip and show them who is boss. Drop kicks,judo chops and headlocks are all acceptable at this stage but go with bulging eyes and big deep breaths before the physical stuff as that will hold up better in court. 

10. General tips! This last one is just a few short tricks that most of you know but I like them and use them a lot. Play hide and go seek with them but obvioulsy don't find them at all around the house. You can get 4-5 mins a time watching the sports news with that one but you have to constantly shout,"I wonder where ye are?" about every 30 seconds. When they say it's your turn to hide you can say "I'm too big to hide so ye go again" and off they will trot again. 

Play hot and cold as well.Same idea! Tell them you have hidden a toy in the room and they have to find it and you say hotter/colder etc. Really hide the fecking thing like so the dummies cant find it.Just as they are about to get bored 7 or 8 minutes later show them where it is and tell them they did a great job finding it and clap very loud. Even though they didnt find it they are delighted enough to play again while you get another ten minutes of flicking through the channels (unless jane is around like). 

Building  camps is number one for getting 20 minute off.Pile the cushions and throws etc. up and build a small two bed apartment out of it and they will sit in it twiddling their thumbs like dumb and dumber for half an hour and leave you in peace. 

I'll leave it at that folks. All or none of this may or may not have happened. This is a disclaimer. Terms and conditions apply. No children were harmed in the making of this blog.Not physically anyway! 

On a serious note all kids want is your time. It's more precious than any one thing you can give them and far more valuable. It's also irreplaceable so everytime you chose to do something else over spending time with them is time you can never get back.One day they will grow and leave. Then again maybe that's heaven for some people.

We spend the first 3 years of our children's lives wishing they would walk and talk and we spend the next 10-15 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Heal the world..... Make it a better place...for you and fore me and the entire  human race.....

Parental Control Settings Pt 1.

*Long winded ramble* 

I'm not an expert on any subject and certainly not on how to be a good parent. I would never ever criticise the rules,regulations or controls another parent puts on their children and with that in mind I beg of you not to take my parental advice and tips to the gardai or the social services as I'm quite sure some of what I am about to tell you is illegal or at the very least cruel to children. 

All I know about children and their care is to keep them warm,keep them fed,keep them safe and keep them happy. The rest I'm afraid is a load of bullshit until they can learn for themselves but as i said if you want to read 50 books, feed your child wheatgrass or do what your mother,sister or uncle buck does then thats fine by me. I have 2 girls who I would (and probably will in 15 years)die for. My eldest disappointment is 4.75 years old and my youngest disappointment is 3 next week.

It's not possible for me to even attempt to tell you what to do with a moany 8 or 9 year old or a teenager as I don't have one so I'm only offering survival advice to anyone with kids my age and in particular girls. Im a child myself with the mental capacity of a 4 year old so I like to think I know what the fuckers are thinking.I've been around longer then them and have a lot of experience as a 4/5 year old myself.

The main advantage I have over dumb and dumber is my patience.I've got it in spades despite being a noisy and annoying fecker as most of you know. I can count on 2 fingers the amount of times the kids have gotten into my mind and won the battle of wits causing me to lose it. If I lose it then they have won and in my eyes the fuckers should never ever win.The shouting and roaring is done by Mammy as she takes over the world with her hoover and cleaning rag. Thats another days work though.

You've got to know your enemy so here are my top tips for those daily situations you come across in the warzone and the battle of kids v parents. 

1. Always remember you signed up for kids and there is no receipt for them. They can't be sent back to amazon so shut your moaning about being tired and being sick of them and that you need a rest or a break.Snap out of your buzz and get on with it. It's their world and you only live in it.Your life as you know it is over. Tough!  

2. Always have a spare emergency nappy and always have some emergency wipes. When you buy them in the shop go home and place 2 nappies and some wipes in a different cupoborad so when they take a "barry white" at 11pm at night you are not left without a nappy. You should also do this with toilet roll for the adults as there is nothing worse than having a white knuckler at 7am and no toilet roll. This way you can shuffle to the cupboard for the emergency one that you hid. 

3. Brain wash the dopes!They are essentially small idiot versions of yourself and are open to brain washing especially when they can't read or write or tell the time. An example of this is I always tell Mia and Ellie from 5pm on that it's time for bed. They immediately say; "no dad we want to stay up for another 5 minutes".What you then do is tell them every 5 minutes up until 7pm (real bedtime) that its bedtime until such time as the Brain washing kicks in and their tiny little pea brains snap and they go to bed thinking they have gotten away with it when in actual fact you broke their brain. You can also pretend it's any day of the week you want as they havent a clue about time or days of the week.

4. Recycle the toys and programmes. If you need a breather from playing stupid ass fairy games then get out a bag of toys they haven't seen in a few months. Even if the toys are broken it won't matter. When the new (old) toys fall onto the ground I can personally guarantee they will flock to them like dribbling zombies to check them out leaving you free to have a coffee.This also works with the tv. Put on an episode of soemthing they have never seen before or a new film etc when it's tv time and they zone out and almost try climb into the tv to get to that magical mickey mouse land like 2 hippes on acid. The tv trick also works with Jane.

5.When they are sitting still or playing quietly dont disturb them. Even if there is an imminent gas explosion or ye are due at the airport for a flight do not disturb them. I don't care if the dinner is up or its bath time or they need life saving treatment for a gaping head wound. What kind of idiot parent makes either eye,visual or voice contact with a quietly playing child.Just sit there and enjoy the break and don't speak to them because  as soon as you disturb the losers you will be asked for a drink or something to eat or in my case within seconds you will be having make up applied or playing dollies for the thousandth time. If you are out of the room while they are playing quietly then stay out of it and out of sight. I have often gone out our front door and around to the back door to get to the kitchen rather than letting them see me pass the door and disturb them.If it's raining then I crawl passed the door.

6. Learn what distraction techniques work best for your kids. I find that mine don't tend to bug me if I'm on the phone talking so if you are 45 mins into a puzzle and drawing session then make a fake phone call and talk loud and leave the room. This will buy you at least 15 mins peace and quiet. Another good one is to just get up off the ground from the princess picnic party in a panic and pretend there's is an emergency. They get stunned and speechless by this as if you had tasered them. Again this will get you out of the room for 20 mins to recover. I used to pretend I had hurt my leg or my hand but the freaks copped this and it only led to a game of doctor and i'd get a full examination south Doc style for half an hour.

I've got to go for now as the girls need me to play daddy mountain which is a game where I lie against the couch and they take it in their turns to walk along my legs and up my stomach and chest before eventually standing on my head and shoulders to jump onto the couch declaring they have climbed the daddy mountain. Mia is not to bad but Ellie the thug is rough as a badgers arse and gives you the odd kick or punch in the mouth on the way up. At least when we play this I can watch the sports news in the background as I get pummelled.

Stay tuned for part 2 of my parenting tips where we deal with bribery, bedtime and car etiquette.

Remember kids are muppets but they are your muppets. 

Mickey Mouse part 2

*long winded ramble*

.....I awake at 4am on Sunday morning on the couch with half a take away on the ground (not a good idea with a mouse around) and empty beer cans everywhere. I check my traps in the kitchen and the bait is gone again with no mouse. The hall and front room traps are still in place but bait is not gone. I decide to leave kitchen traps and put lashes of talc down and see where he goes next again. It's 5 am so I go to bed for a bit thinking this mouse does not know who he is messing with.

I sleep for an hour and when I open my eyes the stark reality hits me, my wife and children have left me over the mouse. This mouse has ruined my life and my family. I go downstairs and at least there is progress. There are clear tracks now out around the kitchen and back under the kitchen unit in the corner. That's where the little shit is laughing at me with his gringos all living it up on bacon and peanut butter.

I clean up the cans and I eat the rest of the take away for breakfast (I know I know) and even though Jane isn't here I hear a haunting voice in the background telling me to Hoover. I try not to but I know if I don't Hoover she will sense it in her mothers and get out her voodoo doll and stick pins in me.

Up to super valu I go and then I sit and have a nice few hours watching all sorts on the tv while reading the papers and drinking tea and listening in to oldies and Irish. Still no sign of a trap snapping.The pressure is mounting. I decide he won't come out with me in the house and head to the pub at 1 for a few scoops.

The story is going around the pub like wildfire about mickey and everyone has an opinion. One fella does the scene from jaws where yer man goes " I'll catch your mouse" and another says "we need a bigger trap". It's all good fun but I'm starting to get really worried now that the family are gone for good. 

I go home steamboats and check the traps at around 5 and no joy. I ring Jane and the girls to say come home as this is ridiculous. I'm told it is indeed ridiculous that I can't catch a mouse and that i definitely won't catch him in the pub despite it being part of the plan. Is it not ridiculous to be afraid of a mouse I ask? 

My manhood which is non existent anyway living with 3 sweat shop bosses is now totally gone. Even mickey mouse is more of a man than me! I cry for a bit and then have a good talking to myself. I bait up and put 600 traps,an f-16 fighter jet and the 4th battalion on guard for the night and watch the golf. Maybe mickey is just like me?Maybe he's not so bad?

Monday morning and the bait is gone again so now I know I have a huge decision to make. Do I continue down this route and only see my family at Xmas or do I lie to Jane.Work on  Monday morning is taken up with major mouse discussion. Psychologically at this point I'm close to breaking but on a vote of 6-2 the lads think its best i lie if the mouse isn't dead when i get home.

With the sweat pouring out of me and prayers offered to every religious god that ever existed I go in home to find that mickey had escaped the grim reeper yet again and had consumed another lash of chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe he will get too fat to walk? Not a bad tactic maybe? I sit there staring into space for 30 mins before ringing Jane with an Oscar winning performance telling her I was once again a man and she should never have doubted me. She is thrilled and says she will be home ASAP.

If I thought I would get relief I was mistaken. I have a shower before the Brady bunch arrive home but I am consumed by this dirty lie and all I can hear is the crying game song in my head as I try to scrub this dirty lie away in the shower. What will happen if Micky pops out?I haven't seen him since day one at ground zero but he is there smirking under the sink with a big peanut butter moustache.

Everyday for weeks and months I live this lie now of checking traps and putting more and more devices down to trap him. If the gardai raided the house and saw all the gear they would think they had found a sordid sex dungeon. I'm able to tell Jane I'm leaving them down in case we get more so my lie us in tact. 

We get 50 euros worth of those sonar yokeybobs and plug them in but Mickey Mouse is immune.He keeps getting the grub from the traps. Xmas day comes and goes with me worrying every second of the day he will pop out. 

By the end January  I had given up. Myself and mickey had a new arrangement, If he stayed out of sight I'd keep feeding him and we would live our lives separate. We became friends and mickey had Stockholm syndrome. I now prayed that mickey wouldn't be in the trap in the morning as I didn't want him to die. I felt huge respect for Micky. He had overcome the odds and the cats out the Back to survive.

Then it happened! Like a bolt out of the blue in march.We went away for a weekend and mickey had no food. We arrived back and that night from nowhere out he popped. This time Jane screamed so loud that she broke the sound barrier. before her scream finished she was gone like a usain bolt.

We were back to square one. I got mangled for the months of lies but didn't care. I was relieved that the lie was over. This time Jane would need photographic evidence. My heart was Broken that my good friend (probably the greatest friend I've ever had) was going to be no more.

The old traps had never worked so I went to Callaghans garage for poison and the famous mr C asked if I needed help.I told him how traps weren't working and he asked which traps I had? He said my traps were too big for the mouse and not sensitive enough. He gave me a trap for 50 cent that was barley held together. He told me there was no charge and that if the mouse wasn't caught in half an hour he'd catch it for me. I laughed in my mind  saying he doesn't know mickey like I do.

I go home and I can hardly set the trap with the sadness and I still hope mickey will win. I put it in place. I walk to the front  door heading for a curer.The trap isn't set 50 seconds and I hear it snap but think its just gone off as it had done trying to set it. I go back and look. I fall to my knees and hold my head. My friend, my comrade and the only other male in the house lay in the trap with his head burst open. 

Im devastated! I can't believe  it. I'm a murderer. I'm a sell out. I'm soulless. Why did this have to be they way it was? I take a picture and send it to cruella deville. I'll never be the same again. I sit with mickey as he takes his last breath. I pour a beer and take half an hour to gather my thoughts. I ring cruella and the gimps and tell them it's done.

sometimes as i lay awake in the night I think of mickey. I hope he is happy. I hope he is at peace, I hope he is not alone , I hope.......,,

Will the real Mickey Mouse please stand up. Part 1 of 2.

*long winded ramble*

Did I ever tell you the one about the real Mickey Mouse in our house?

Well it was about 2 years ago now on that fateful cold wintery Friday night when terror in the form of a little field mouse came to visit our calm peaceful house.

Ellie who was only a pup at the time was asleep in her rocking chair and Mia was sound asleep in our bed. It was one of those horrible blustery winter nights that called for a drink and some munchies and a DVD. I was busy as usual rubbing Janes feet and waiting on her hand and foot (literally).We were watching some god awful cop show for the thousand time when I felt Janes legs go solid stiff. She was frozen in pure terror and couldn't scream and covered her face before telling me there was a mouse by the chair. 

I had a look and sure as god the real life Mickey Mouse was peering up at the tv happy as a day is long. He obviously hadn't seen this episode of CSI. Now I panic as well initially in these circumstances until I realise I'm 35 years old and should really have a bottle of cop the fuck on. As I step down the fucker bolts behind the tv.

Jane is now in full stroke and heart attack  mode so I commence CPR on her and clear the foam from her mouth and get her out of the room to safety upstairs away from this vicious killer. I return to find at least the mouse hasn't killed the sleeping beauty Ellie in her chair. Thank god for that! I poke around looking for the mouse but at 11pm on a Friday I'm not overly motivated knowing what will happen next.All four of us stay in the bedroom that night with the door locked and me with the baseball bat to protect my family from imminent death.

Jane obviously couldn't sleep with the trauma and had to be escorted to the toilet and back when needed. She informs me of the survival plan which is basically she is going to go to her mams until I catch the mouse. Going to their mams is the automatic default for any Bennett so this is no shock.

I load up the car at 7am on a Saturday morning and wave them goodbye and start to design my plan to get rid of Mickey. I spend a few hours trying to locate him and see if I can get rid of him without killing him but I realise he is going to have to die. I hate this but draw inspiration from films like Rambo,commando, predator and even caretaker willie in the Simpsons. I need weapons!What would chuck Norris do?

I head to Atlantic homecare and buy an arsenal of traps and sticky paper devices and lay them all out with every type of bait you can think of from peanut butter and chocolate to rashers and jam. At least Mickey will die happy! I spread talcum powder all over the floor to see where the fucker is coming from. Several experts like Johnny the dreamboat and my dad call and we turn the place upside down but Mickey is nowhere to be seen all the while laughing from the shadows.It's like mission impossible at this stage.

I send everyone away and sit there quietly in the house sharpening my hunting knife waiting for the battle. I slow my breathing like a sniper and I wait and wait and wait. No tv on or no food have I eaten for the day. Mickey never shows.This is no ordinary mouse. It's on like donkey kong i tell him. He better be ready.

I go to the Bennett's house to see my children and to inform general Jane Dowling that there is no luck in the trenches with the hunt. She informs me she will not return to the house while Micky roams free and I am destined to spend the night at home.She tells me i will receive a dishonourable discharge if I fail. I pack clothes and necessities for them and bring them to her and I head back to the battle. When I check the traps at home I find the bait gone and no smell of a kill. He is toying with me now.

I decide to make the best of a bad situation and go for a few pints and get a Chinese and watch match of the day in my jocks with no women on my back at least. I briefly toy with the idea of divorce and myself and Mickey living the high life in the house with poker nights and strippers and super sports Sundays but I realise I'd be dead in a week from substance abuse face down in my own vomit.He is trying to get inside my head.The evening is enjoyable but tomorrow Michael mouse must die....... 

Stayed tuned for part two of this epic tale of man versus mouse as its far from over......

The Traveller, Depeche Mode and the snickers.

*long winded ramble*

So one night a few years back myself and my long suffering wife were in town for a night out. It was a rare occasion where I wasn't on the beer but the wife was so I was driving.I have to fill the boredom of no beer always with messing but it had been a slow night. 

About 2am I pile Sheila Joyce into the car to go home and she is happy out singing "you're so vain" by Carly Simon (bless her little cotton socks). She decides she needs chips and I get a handy parking spot by hillbillies on McCurtain street and in she goes to get her chips while I wait with the hazards on. 

While I am waiting there is a knock on the  window and low and behold it's a traveller looking first for a light for a fag and then to know was I going up towards St. Luke's as the hackneys were "fierce busy boss".

I was just about to tell him sod off when I thought of the look on my wife's face if she returned to find yer man in the car. About a week earlier at an underage match  two young travellers were ruining the game and nobody was having an luck clearing them.I offered them 2 euro to go away to the shop and told them they had to fight for it. I wasn't serious but the 11 year old smokey flattened the 8 year old with a punch as soon as the words left my mouth and they left for the shop.I felt very guilty about this and so I felt I'd drop this fella home to redress the balance.

Jane returns to the car to me trying to control my laughter and Billy Bob  in the back smiling away but banned from smoking. He had the fag behind the ear and asks Jane for a chip.She never responded and looked straight out the window. I know I'm dead later but it's just too funny.

At St. Luke's I ask Billy Bob where he is living and he says up another bit. I ask him does he mean Ellis's yard and he says "yes Bigman, thanks Bigman, I won't forget you Bigman.". I turn up the radio and Saturday night by Wigfield is on some channel and Billy Bob tells me he knows all the moves to that one. Poor Jane is ready to gawk as usual from the travelling more than the traveller.

I pull up outside Ellis's yard and Billy Bob asks for a light again but I tell him  the cigarette lighter isn't working. He steps out of the car and it just dawns on me that a new Depeche Mode double CD I bought was on the back seat of the car.

I glance back and notice it's missing and see Billy Bob crossing the road putting it into his jacket.I roll down the window and say: " Where do you think you're going with the CD buddy?". Billy says: "I have no CD bigman". I open the door and step out and call Billy. I tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does not return the CD that I will take it off him and feed it to him. I use a number of other terrible threats (apologise to the wife once more) and Billy Bob realises that I may indeed end up feeding him the CD and decides he was only messing about (seeing as I threatened to burn his house to the axel.)

As Billy Bob is returning the CD and laughing a bit nervously I notice he has a snickers bar sticking out of his top shirt pocket. For some reason (and to this day I dont know why) I tell him I'm taking his snickers by way of compensation for trying to steal from me. He looks on in shock as I take the snickers from him and open it and start to eat it as I get into the car.

I'm awaiting an ear full as I speed off with the poor chap in the rear view mirror but Jane is frozen in shock at the goings on and has lost her tongue.I often think when I hear Depeche Mode of Billy and how he is getting on.I imagine him and his family in the caravan stuck with just Wigfield and Saturday Night dancing around like Graham Norton in that Fr. Ted caravan scene. I feel guilty that I took back the CD as they could all be rocking to Personal Jesus or Master and Servant on the cold winter nights.

Thats the Story of  Traveller, Depeche Mode and the snickers.......

*sorry again Jane.

The God Damn bins.

*long winded ramble*

As requested. An oldie but a goldie.

That moment when you get to bed and realise that you forgot to put the refuse bin out. You lie there thinking somehow it will solve itself and by magic the bin will put itself out dynamo style. You then toy with the Idea that maybe you could survive another fortnight without putting it out. How much is in the bin?How many shitty nappies will Ellie produce in the next fortnight? There is about 5-6 inches of space at the top but will it be enough for 14 days of rubbish again?You still lie there uncontrollably crying and sucking your thumb and hoping your mam might come and rub your face. 

I could easily put it out in the morning as I don't sleep but I know I'll be listening to music when country clean roll up at 6 am. Fuck you country clean you have ruined my life! Maybe 1,000,000 million likes on Facebook will put the fuckin bin out.

Then there is the pain of trying to remember which stupid bin is going out? Obviously they sent me a schedule but its in that drawer that everyone has that is full to the brim of broken pens sellotape and old bits and pieces that you thought you needed to keep. You could go down and search for it but sure then you may as well put out the bin.The shit drawer maybe worth more hassle to you anyway as by now there is almost certainly a family or mice or worse living in there.I wish someone would set fire to that drawer.

I need to go to the toilet now anyway so I may as well put out the bin. Next I decide that there is no need to get dressed as I'm up now and it will only take me 2 mins. I do my number ones and go to the garage and haul the bin to the door. I have an electronic garage door which as a norry I am very very proud of. They said i'd amount to nothing being an idiot yet I have an electronic garage door with a remote control.

As always I put the door up and down a few times as the novelty of having the electronic door never ceases to amaze me.I'm like feckin Mr. Bean standing there in my shorts and barefoot watching the door. Even a NASA space shuttle launch doesn't get me as excited as the door.I focus on the job at hand. I lug the bin up my long drive which is steeper that Patricks hill. It's heavy this week and the smell off it is empty reach invoking. I put it in place and head back down the drive.
                                    
Its about 3am and drizzly so I hurry and then just like that scene in platoon where William Dafoe is running for the chopper and gets milled down with bullets it happens to me as well. I can hear adagio for strings playing in my head as I step barefoot on a medium sized sharpish stone which takes me out like a sniper. I fall in slow motion to the ground just like defoe and again I'm uncontrolavbly crying.Maybe someone will call a nee naw (ambulance) for me. "WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY  MEEEEEEEEEE" I shout but nobody cares or is listening. I'm bawling like a two year old again all over the god damn bins.
                                                                       
I hobble inside with a tug in my heart sobbing and asking myself is this what my life is now? Living in fear of the bins every week? There are so many questions! Which bin is going out? Will they ever collect the red bin? When are we getting the new brown bin and what goes in it? I can't do this anymore. I need a bin counsellor and many many sessions.
                                                                                                         
I limp upstairs and throw myself on the bed.I see my life flash before me. Maybe I'm dying from this bin related injury. At least my battle is over for another week but the war still rages on. Ill hear the bin lads empty that damn bin at 6 and then I have a few days before bin fear kicks in again.I start to relax. I start to calm down.

Then as I'm snug as a bug in a rug I go into pure and utter heartattack and stroke mode. I can feel my head going to implode and I cant breathe. I'm in serious trouble. I forgot to close the fuckin garage door...........

Miles per hour and beats per minute.

*long winded ramble*

For the second weekend in a row I find myself having to make a long journey without a travelling companion. Last week dumb and dumber bailed asleep on me from Galway and this week the Queen of Sheba decides the only way she could avoid getting sick every 3 minutes was to lie in the back asleep.

With that in Mind and just like a mafia movie I packed Jane into the back seat of the car with rosary beads, some holy water,a picture of padre pio and a Dunnes bag to get sick in. It was time to put on the sunglasses and focus on the best part of Dublin which is the road to Cork.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an awful slow driver and the lads in work christened me Tommy out of sminky shorts which is better than my last name of "driving miss daisy".

We just got the news that our family car is for the scrap heap at home which has emotions running high and has Jane sobbing away in the back but I think that's more to do with the rats from the booze. I hear a cry of "whyyyy" and also something about getting a new car which i ignore.She is a light weight these days.

I decide my old friend I-pod is the only man for the long road and i'll drive faster and more miles per hour with more beats per minute. I stick on a playlist called miscellaneous which is for songs that get downloaded so I can listen later.Its amazing the effect music has on us and in this case on the journey home.

First up was Johnny cash with "hurt".It starts to rain as if the weather knows Johnny is on. I immediately cry and look out the windscreen into the distance wondering where my life is going,what the future holds, will I live til I'm 90 or just another 3 years?Who would miss me, who would be there at the end?The  car is only doing 50mph. I'm hurting inside now so skip to the next song as I get overtaken by two 70 year old grannies on the motorway. I think one of them even flipped the bird.

Next up is Gilbert O'Sullivan with "Clair". I used to sing this with "Jane" in it instead of Clair so now I start to think of the pity snoring in the back. We were just at a Robbie Williams concert which was a Mother's Day present. I had asked earlier what I was getting for Father's Day and was told I'd be getting something alright. This  obviously means I'm getting nothing or else she will say I will be spoiled for the day which in turn means I won't have to make breakfast and she will go back to bed after she makes me tea and toast.I'll say I thought I was getting spoiled and she will say "cry me a river poindexter" as she goes back to bed.  That's the end of Gilbert anyway!

I hit the switch and its an ACDC double of "ace of spades" and "thunderstruck." The car hits g-force 5 and I'm sure I made it to 70/75mph which is any mans 110mph. In the distance I see that granny bird flipper. With these tunes on I picture myself becoming a mass murderer of grannies up and down the east coast of Ireland. Ill be know as the "Carlow granny basher" murdering grannies on a whim with a national manhunt around the country looking for me. I decide that this isn't the best career move and all that chopping up bodies and burying them etc seems energy sapping and I'd probably have to do nights again. Im way too lazy to be a murderer anywsy.I overtake the gran mobile and give a nod and a smile. Poor little dear. She'll be dead soon enough. (Joking)

I'm motoring well now and Sheryl Crowe my "favourite mistake" comes on. Makes me think of Jane..... Nexxxtttt I say to myself and on comes UB40 "impossible love".I think of Jane again. Neexxtt??Lol. Prodigy with "smack my bitch up" reeeaalllly makes me think of Jane now. Lol. Need to change it up.

One of the greatest songs of all time has me singing full blast with a fake microphone. There are no words for Danielle o' Donnells version of the George Strait song "I just want to dance with you". An absolute classic and my go to song for sing songs or karaoke. If only I could play the squeeze box like that. Now I know why the grannies were flat out. They were probably listening to this as well. It's their equivalent to insomnia by faithless. The car leaves the Tarmac for those 3 minutes and heads for heaven as I transcend all that is good and bad in the world. The grim reaper could tap on the window right now and I'd be happy to go with him.

There are lots of songs along the way but  as I reach Fermoy there is an unmerciful smell of shit. I hope it's not me. It's an outside smell. Christ I can taste it.It has  a tear gas affect on me. My eyes are watering and bloodshot from it. I survive but I'm getting tired.I need a lift. 

Then the I-pod kicks into a few deep house tunes. 4 classics from Dennis Ferrer especially "sinfonia della notte" and I'm sick in my stomach from rushing memories of long days and even longer nights and 4 day never ending weekenders with good good people watching the sun rise.Irreplaceable   memories. The sun now shines through the windscreen. I'm home. Home to my girls.

A hug and a kiss and a smile from my daughters. I'm bulletproof.

 

Hangover 4. Part 1.

*long winded ramble*

Lucky to be alive would be an understatement.I've been on many stags with all sorts of messing from the insane and dangerous to downright illegal actions and the only difference this time to so many others was it was ûa really good friends stag which always kicks it up a notch.Fellas begged borrowed,stole or held up their local maxol to make it and away we went to Galway. There will be  no names or major stories inline with  Article 5 section 34a of the rules of the stag act 1900. These are just some observations as always.
                                                                                                                        My car and two occupants were first to arrive at the Western Hotel in Galway on Friday around 6pm ish having made great time. A lovely lady in reception with decent enough english tells me I can't check in as I am not the person that booked it. I am never rude to people I don't know but explain nicely that the person who booked it won't be coming (a complete lie) and she is still hesitant. I offer to leave money with her or indeed sing her her favourite song and she relents and gives us a key to our apartment.
                                                                                             She then tells us getting to the private underground car park is tricky and proceeds to give me a load of information that NASA wouldn't work out.She also gives us a key fob. I told her I'd need a degree to work all that out and I'd ring her if i got stuck.35 (yes 35 mins) later and numerous incorrect turns down one way streets we still havent found the car park. You would have to see the confusion,stress,sweat and abuse I had to endure to find a car park that was 10 feet away from the hotel but impossible to find due to one way systems and 2 other close by normal car parks both of which we visited and paid to get out of.
                                                                                          At this early stage (and no beer yet) 3 lads who cannot stand the site of each other anymore and have lost the will to live, have a brain wave. We suddenly remembered that the lady said "UNDERGROUND" car park so why were we after entering 2 "OVERGROUND" car parks? Better yet we said that if we were nearby that the key fob would open pandoras box for us. Sure enough after pressing on the key fob button for about 30 seconds walking up and down we see a gate open up like something out of Indiana Jones and the stag of doom.It genuinley wasn't marked well but the sense of joy let us forget what idiots we were and for those few moments we hugged,cried and forgave each other on a side street in Galway much to the amusement of passers by.We promised to never fight with each other again.It was a life changing experience.
                                                                                         We decend to level -2 like we were told and get our gear out of the car and head to side door to go up the lift to our apartment but the door needs an access code which I left at the reception of the hotel. I take out my phone under a lot of name calling and there is no reception.This is all too much for one of the lads who has had enough like in a vietnam war movie and he goes to launch at the door with his shoulder,legs and anything else he can use but we catch him in time. We are all in a bad way emotionally but eventually get the code and go to our apartmenst which are the tonic we needed with spectacular views over eyre square and Galway Bay.
                                                                                                  Needing a beer more than air we decide to head to the hotel bar to chill out and await the arrival of the lads. The 2 lads are ripping me to shreds still with abuse when I remind them they were stupid enough to come with me as if it were me (and i wasnt driving) I'd have waited in bar til they parked. That shut them up fairly lively!
                                                                                                  As is my nature I can't leave the 2 cars about to arrive in the lurch and I help get the rest of the boys booked in and show them the car park etc with a running commentary of what had happend to us. We are naturally christened the three stooges for the remainder of the weekend but at least they bought me a pint realising you would want to be Stephen Hawking to find the fuckin car park.We all settle in for the Ireland match with all the talk being of the splendour of our apartments. I have to remind fellas to take their knickers out of their arses as  we are not a feckin hen and buy a round of tequilla. Let the games begin............


to be continued.......

                                                                          

                                                                                                                      

ET Phone home.

Let me start by saying I love my dear mother to bits.She would die for me no questions asked but I'm at that stage now in life where I'm doing the looking after the parents instead of the other way around. She is way too soft and gave me the softness disease. If I murdered someone she would dispose of the body in a tasty little stew.

I ring her every day for a chat as she can out talk any 5 people I know, even me. With this in mind as well as concern for my own and her mental health some ground rules had to be set out.These are genuine.

1. She gets 8 minutes on the phone as 20+minute phone calls were regular with me losing the will to live by the end if it.Al Qaeda would break listening to her.

2. She can only talk about a maximum of two subjects.

3. Complaining  about my Dad and his every single movement of that day is a subject.

4. When I say "move it along Mam" when she trails off and forgets her original subject or point she must do so or forfeit 30 seconds on the clock.

5. She must accept I may have heard the story she is telling before and not ask me how i knew or to prove I'm not just saying that I've heard it before.

Heres a typical conversation:

Me: Hi Mam how's things?

Mam :grand now son, yourself?how are my beautiful grandchildren?

Me : all grand mam,what's the news?

Mam: your father is driving me around the bend. He is mooching around the place there and cranky all morning.

Me:I know mam he's been doing that for 40 years like.

Mam: I know but he has newspapers everywhere and he is searching for a sheet of paper he had with a phone number and when I ask him what he is looking for he says mind your own business woman.I can't get anything done with him.

Me: ya I know but why did you ask him if you knew what he was looking for.Just divorce him .ye had a good run.

Mam: I don't know. He's after cutting the grass now and there is more grass in the house than the garden and I'm sick of sweeping up the grass. He won't use the grass box like.I mean what kind of fool doesn't use the grass box.

Me: I dunno mam but il stop you there because as riveting as this is I'm kind of busy as well like.

Mam : You do nothing sure!

Me:Thanks mam!

Mam:How much time have I left?

Me: About 6 mins unfortunately mam.

Mam: Did I tell you Noreen is getting all her garden done? It's going to be fabulous when its done. She has 3 fellas in doing it....  (Proceeds to talk about every single tiny detail of the garden etc etc including where gardener are from and how I might know them.I always have to pretend I know them or else listen to ten minutes of her trying to link me to them somehow)

Me: You told me all that yesterday.

Mam: why did you let me tell you again?I thought I'm not allowed repeat stories? (me poor mam like).

Me: Because its eating up your 8 minutes and it stops me from wanting to kill myself.

Mam: how long have I left?

Me: One minute mam. Lets wrap this baby up and put it to bed cos once again  we will never get these 8 minutes back in our lives mam. They are gone for good.

Mam: you're very brazen to your poor mother.

Me: you're very brazen to my ears.I'd smother you in your sleep only for you wouldn't stop talking if I did and eventually consume the pillow.

Mam: I have to go anyway as the child (my 32 year old brother) is coming for his dinner.( I never get a dinner ffs)

Me :(sarcastically)Oh the child is coming is it. All make way for the child. Roll out the red carpet for the child. Don't forget now mam to wash behind the child's ears when you are bathing him and make sure you break his wind the poor little fella. Make sure he gets his blanky and a nice bottle before bed. Make sure now there is no draught so hewon't get a cold. I'm going to punch him right in his spine when i see him.

Mam:what's on the clock now ya lunatic???? (And hangs up)

I look at the clock. 11 minutes. Touché Mam.....Touché!

Thug life.

*long winded ramble*

So i have the cutest 2.5 year old you'd ever like to meet. She is cute in the cute sense but also in the sneakiness sense. Basically my 2.5 year old Ellie is a thug and its a thug life as the song goes. She is a very good child who plods along in life but she defo whistles to the sound of her own tune.

Lately she is a major liability and its probably second child syndrome. She no longer accepts we are in charge and if she doesn't get what she wants then there is trouble.If she wants something another child has then she is taking it, no questions asked. Size or age of child or blood relation does not matter a jot to Ellie the demon barber of brazil. That child or indeed adult is  getting owned big time.

She has the same chewed up dummy for over a year that we try to take off her but when we are all sitting around quietly and we here those scary words "where my dummy daddy", we all run for cover diving behind couches or we pretend to be asleep in case she goes for us with one of her patented Kung fu chops. It is the most disgusting dummy I have seen as the picture shows.Its what I imagine a tumour looks like.

We are afraid to go to a busy playground as she simply looks around to see who her next victim of violent crime could be. She stands there chewing her dummy like Popeye surveying the playground like a mafia boss on a hit. The swings go quiet and people get uncomfortable when she arrives.Kids hurry home for dinner at 10am.She  is fine on the swing but its the slides where the trouble starts.

Not one for the cueing system she will remove boys , girls, adults and  animals from her path. On a recent trip to Fitzgeralds park at the weekend she punched one lad of 4, pushed another lad of 3 off the end of the slide and kicked a mother who was trying to coax her nervous daughter Down the slide. She  waits on the ladder for people to come up the steps so she can kick them. 

When I let out a roar then to tell her she is being bold she sticks out her finger and roars incoherent babble at me and everyone laughs as she launches down the slide again.

Like her mam then she will  not walk anywhere. If you have to travel a distance of more than 50 feet at one go the the cry goes up "daddy shoulders now please". I'm like the fuckin hunchback of  Notre dame from carrying "Don Ellione" around the place. I have shrunk 2 inches from her thunder thighs busting my neck muscles. 

Her poor 4.5 year old sister is bullied by her. Ellie will not put on a cost unless Mia does. She won't take off her shoes or put them on until her sister does. She orders poor Mia to do everything and the fool does it as she is too soft altogether.We have to have a lifetime supply of actimel drinks and pork onion and tomato to hand or we will all perish.

What can be done with this thug? At the time of going to print my family and I are safe but as soon as she learns to read or is informed of this article I may wake up with a horses head or a my little pony head in my bed and could end up sleeping with the fishy's. If that happens you know who murdered  me. It was the small blond "Don Ellione" with the chewed up red dummy!!!

Happy New Year

*long winded ramble*

......said i'd get in there early meself so I wont be spending the last hour or 5 of 2012 liking "happy new years satus'". Happy new year to everyone who knows me especially the people this year who I accepted as friends despite not having a clue who ye are. I even love ye ye freaks.......I'll be down in my shed at the turn of the year in darkness... with nothing but a torch doing scary faces continuing in my quest to break my social media addiction.

 Ill be logging off then for a bit after a week or so to try see what life is really like again for a laugh. I will of course be telling myself the obligatory lies that I am going to get fit and stay off the hooch and all that bullshit for about 4 days until the weekend comes around and the January blues kick in and I sprint to super valu for 10 dutch gold and eat 4 breast in a bun in me jocks to the crying game soundtrack while the rest of the family sleeps.

I'm thinking of taking up smoking as well for the bang. Its the only bad habbit I never had and i'm dying to get hooked on the fags if im honest. Genuinley though going to cut the booze back to 6 days a week. I had hoped the budget would up the drink to about a fiver a can to save me but it looks like I'm actually going to have to try kick the booze myself.

I have had several messages about the bins and to be honest the year has ended very badly in regard to the bins and recycling. I have enough cardboard and recycling in the garage to make a small village that could end the homeless situation on mainland europe.

I found 2 lads this morning asleep in the boxes when I went out there.The main bin has actually come alive and is trying to empty itself and I still have no idea what day that the bin men will return but my whole January will be spent peeping out the windows at 6 am waiting and watching and hoping that i see that orange light and hear country clean battering bins around and then I will have my revenge. 

I have serious dose of the rats and my head is like a Tim burton film from the lack of sleep. Every time I see the tin of roses I start to cry uncontrolably and last night I slept for over 2 whole hours with a giant caramel bar chasing me with betting tips.

Night is day and day is night at this stage. I was even crying watching the darts last night for no reason.

Once more unto the breech.Its been emotional. Catch you on the flip side. Don't ever bring a knife to a gun fight. in fact just dont go to a gun fight.

Insomnia

* long winded ramble*

People wonder why I don’t worry about my insomnia. I’ll tell you why.

Why do we all spend so much of our lives wasting time? The average person will spend almost every 24 hour period the same. Most will sleep 8 hours and work 8 hours and that leave 8 hours. 

 So much of that 8 hours is then taken up with rinse and repeat mundane actions like travelling to and from places or going to the shop or hanging out the washing or doing housework or looking after those pesky kids. We literally just exist.

When we then eventually get an hour or two to actually relax and do something what do we do? We do very little.

We facebook or watch the same shit on tv over and over again. We go to the same places and see the same people and eat and drink the same things. We think we try loads of new things but we don’t in the great scheme of things.

I have seen the same Mickey Mouse fun house 3 times this morning. I will never ever get that hour back in my life. It’s gone. Over. never getting that hour back. Typing this has been an enormous waste of time as well.

Jane is still in bed. Mia went back to bed. It’s just me and Ellie and her immense ability to eat a whole slice pan of toast. My brain never shuts down. It never stops. It’s a massive massive hamster wheel and the hamster is on a mixture of red bull and lucozade and is turning that wheel 24/7 at 120mph. Always switched on and never slowing down.

As I said the other day im alive over 13.500 days or something like that. 2/3 of that time has been a complete waste of time doing the same stuff over and over with the odd exception of some spectacular events holiday etc and putting out the bins which I live for.

We are not but should be in control of our destiny.

If a normal sleeping person is alive 13,500 days (making them 36 roughly) then they have slept 4,500 of those leaving 9,000 days. Out of those 9,000 days they have worked or been at school 4500 etc leaving 4,500 days to actually live. You can be sure over half those days were a complete waste of time doing those rinse and repeat everyday things. Then there are people out there who never ever try anything new at all whether its food or holidays or an activity. That is just simply crazy to me.
Try everything, go everywhere you can, see everything you can see, meet people you can meet. Even if it’s taking a different route to work or just having a pint in a different bar or calling to a friend you haven’t seen in years. Do something today that you have never done before or in a long time. There are millions of possibilities within your control today to do.I  have been awake the same lenght of time as any 70 year old yet im only 36.

Just don’t sleep though

now see why i count myslef lucky im awake more than you.lol

 

 

Mayan calender end to world.

To all those clean living straight down the line lettuce eating rabbit like freaks who go to the gym 7 days a week and eat bird seeds, Joke is on you Friday.... Ill be sitting naked on the front porch with a bottle of beer and a cheeseburger as I go down in flames stuffin in the last few chocolate roses from the tin while thunderstruck plays in the background.The end is near my friends and you have wasted it doing the Xmas shopping and crying in your protein shakes.Ill be so freaked if the world doesn't end......

Interview with Henry hoover.

*Long winded ramble*

This week I was lucky enough to get an interview with theee top professional Hoover in the business. Henry the Hoover has worked tirelessly with Jane Dowling and her family for over a year now, something that 5 hoovers and a black and Decker dust buster couldn't manage over the previous year.


Me: so Henry you have been working with Jane now for a while. How do you find it?

Henry : "Well I had heard the rumours of Mrs. Dowling and her hoovering obsession as well as the many broken hoovers so while I was excited I was also nervous about starting with her. She would be well known on the hoovering scene as a tough lady to Hoover for but I worked out a lot before taking the job and had a superb diet of shake and vac."

Me: how are you finding it so far?


Henry : It was tough at the start with the 3 times a day rule for hoovering especially when nobody had even been in the house and Jane will literally hoover up anything from a small peppa pig to hair clips to the children's puke to a child itself but as I have got to know her needs we have a mutual respect. This lady hoovers on her knees with just the nozzle so I admire her commitment and I'm just as committed. She is very kind to me and allows my son from a previous marriage (to a dyson) to stay over at the weekend’s. I  can see when she is a bit down and to cheer her up I would normally Hoover a 4th time which puts her in great form.
I don't understand sometimes why she gets up at night to stand in the dark with me plugged in to just wait for dust so she can hoover but it’s best not to ask a 5 time winter Olympic Hoover gold medal winner what she is doing.
She also sings a lot while hoovering and although she has a voice like a skunk being shot she has the same taste in music as me. It's nice on an idle Wednesday when she is smiling and singing the carpenters.

She even hoovers when sick,hungover or in fact while drunk. Nothing gets in the way of her hoovering. she bought me a lovely hamper at Xmas as a bonus. It's tough living under the stairs but compared to other hoovers I have it good. Her husband does get jealous of the time we spent together but he doesn't understand her Like I do. When he is not around Jane likes to hug and hold me for a bit but that's as far as it goes. She has 2 lovely girls who now like to Hoover as well and my son sucky likes to play with them

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Me: Thank you so much Henry. You are another of life's unsung heroes. (See pic of Henry and little sucky)

Dora Dies R.I.P.

Shocking news reaching us this Easter Sunday as we learn that child superstar Dora the explorer has been found dead in suspicious circumstances at a North side Cork residence at an early morning party.

Pictures leaked earlier on the net of an unconscious Dora lying under a wheelie bin with drink and drugs present at the scene. Witnesses at the party say that Dora had been drinking heavily and had taken enough drugs to kill 10 horses.Our source said that Dora was looking for fried chicken in the bin after a dose of the munchies.

Not much more is known at this time as the superstar was lying low after her split from Justin trousersnake.

Dora hated the limelight and the 50 billion dollar girl was constantly on the Cork party scene recently among rumours of a drug problem.

Nobody was at her east Cork mansion this morning for comment.

Her best  friend back pack was said to be too devastated to talk while colleague Swiper the fox is on location shooting the next installment of the invincibles.

Dora's other long term friend map (who himself is in rehab) has taken the news very badly. A post mortem will take place in the morning.

follow up:

Further allegations today reveal that Dora the expoler (real name rosalita vasquez) was going to be exposed in the media this week as a major players in a 500 million drug operation as well as running a European wide prostitution racket involving up to 200 people. This source can reveal that Dora was about to reach out to the gardai in the hope of entering witness protection in return for sworn testimony. It is still very unclear at this stage as to whether Ms. Vasquez overdosed in a terrible accident or if indeed her many enemies had a part to play in this tragic tale. Officers have been examining her phone in order to piece together the final movemenets (or explorations) of dora.Friends had become increasingly worried in the last few months since the legends third divorce in 6 years to a wealthy oil tycoon and recent flings with many hollywood a-listers including Justin  trousersnake may have brought her to insanity.

Tributes:

Special agent oso said Dora was his inspiration for getting into the business and he will miss her dearly. Lionel Ritchie lined up to sing at funeral. Funeral arrangement are not yet finalised but rumour had it that it will be held through the magic Forrest, over the icy river and up the tallest mountain in accordance with Dora's wishes.

Stevie wonder said he had Dora to thank for helping him to stop answering the iron instead of his phone when it rang.

My 4 year old daughter is getting engaged!!

Major engagement news. Clear your calendars for the wedding of the year. I had hoped she was a lesbian and i hoped she would wait a few years but my little 4 year old Mia announced today that she is getting married to Harry from one direction in June in London no less in a big castle with lots of sparkles and flowers. She is having her aunties Liz,Catherine, Aimee and her Mam as bridesmaids apparently. She said I can go which is nice of her. Her 3 year old cousin Martin is organising all the food(should be interesting). She has a dress picked out she says.

 

All I need now is to let Harry know but I can't see a problem *cracks knuckles*. Ill be on to ye with exact time and details.I asked her why she was marrying him and she said "cos I love him so much dad". Sure what can ya do. Look after her Harry cos if you don't I'll make sure you live out your days on a dessert island after a 29 day operation to replace your arms with your legs and vica versa. Ill sit on the island with you dressed as barney and sing the muffin man repeatedly until you walk into the tide and everyone knows I could do it easily. No pressure Harry. We will expect the ring tomorrow.

Flying from London.

Never flying again. Bad enough having the rats but the last 15 mins of flight were horrific in the wind and there were many many people very scared. Then just as captain fucko had the back wheels down on the Cork runway a massive gust came our way and Captain Kirk decided to floor it back into the air. there was no announcement for about 6-8 mins before a clearly shaken captain announced he decided not to land and would give us further information soon so nobody knew if we were missing a wheel or if damage had been done. We circled for a while with a lot of people crying and some puking before landing again with zero announcement. I still have not stopped shaking. The big man is never scared or intimidated but Christ I'll never forget that half hour and the fear in people's faces. Break out the beer cans.

Flying to london

*Long winding ramble*.

I am off to London for a few days tomorrow with the wife and anyone who knows me knows that I hate flying and as the most irresponsible Person on the planet by a long way I have no will made should the plane smash into a mountain in a fireball I would like this to be my last will and testament.

All the shit I have accumulated over the years is to be burned... except for my fully completed 1986 full panini sticker album and the poster of Franco Baresi. Gerry power can have them.

I have no idea who the house is insured with or who I have life assurance with because I'll be dead and won't care.Sort out that shit out yourselves. Never bought into that whole "provide for your family when you are gone" way of thinking, after all I'm dead so I'm not all that concerned. I have bigger problems like the Ninth Circle of hell rather than discuss who gets my dubarry's.

I had a great run of of it. I have seen and done some crazy shit in my 36 years. Enough to fill 5 other lifetimes. Left nothing after me and tried everything that came my way. I honestly don't know how people live without trying something new everyday or when they can.

 

I have laughed to the point of collapse in the company of friends and family and even requested an operation to have my laugh removed years ago it hurt so much.I now only laugh on the inside.
Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates.... He was right! I ate the box and bought a second box and ate those as well. Even the orange barrels.

To all my family and close friends I love you dearly. memories never cease and ill always have those.

All I ask in reality is for someone to take care of the two girls. Raise them good with manners. Teach them all there is to know about life. Education will only take them so far. Make sure they know the world, right from wrong, good from bad. Let nobody hurt them and let them hurt no one. Make sure they take everyday like I did as a bonus and never let them experience hate same as I have never. Hate is too heavy a burden on the soul.there is not a word in the dictionary to describe how I love ye girls. Ye never leave my mind for a second.Pure and utter joy and pride is all ye bring me and undefined love.

I will leave Aunty Aimee and uncle Johnny as guardian because the grand parents have raised enough, auntie Catherine would only show them how to Max a credit card or get parking fines, Aunty Liz doolittle is obsessed with animals and I'd be worried for them, Uncle William or uncle Gary are lucky they can breathe unaided so that leaves Aimee who has the right amount of crankiness and sense to raise them for us. She is like the pipe piper anyway with smallies.

If ye can , get something named after me like a park bench or a rose garden. Think of us often. Don't forget us.
I'd like to pretend that when the plane is going down I'd be calm and smile as I think of my life flashing before me but let's be honest ill be bawling crying and in an awful panic putting on 6 oxygen masks while inflating the yellow yokeybob and blowing the whistle while screaming "we are all going to die".

At least i'll have clean socks and jocks on which is essential in any death situation. Ye will find my body clung to the black box recorder as the air crash investigators always find that.

My final words:

When life gets ya down just sit back, take a deep breath and think how huge this world is and all that goes with it. We are all 100% guaranteed bad times in our future so why would you want to waste anymore time than you have in life not enjoying the minute,hour or day you have in front of you because its all we have. One day at a time.

Good luck and thanks!P

 

Please play smack my bitch by up by prodighy at my funeral or thunderstruck. I mean it. Think of me every time you see the sun. Not very often I know...