Did I ever tell you the one about the real Mickey Mouse in our house?
Well it was about 2 years ago now on that fateful cold wintery Friday night when terror in the form of a little field mouse came to visit our calm peaceful house.
Ellie who was only a pup at the time was asleep in her rocking chair and Mia was sound asleep in our bed. It was one of those horrible blustery winter nights that called for a drink and some munchies and a DVD. I was busy as usual rubbing Janes feet and waiting on her hand and foot (literally).We were watching some god awful cop show for the thousand time when I felt Janes legs go solid stiff. She was frozen in pure terror and couldn't scream and covered her face before telling me there was a mouse by the chair.
I had a look and sure as god the real life Mickey Mouse was peering up at the tv happy as a day is long. He obviously hadn't seen this episode of CSI. Now I panic as well initially in these circumstances until I realise I'm 35 years old and should really have a bottle of cop the fuck on. As I step down the fucker bolts behind the tv.
Jane is now in full stroke and heart attack mode so I commence CPR on her and clear the foam from her mouth and get her out of the room to safety upstairs away from this vicious killer. I return to find at least the mouse hasn't killed the sleeping beauty Ellie in her chair. Thank god for that! I poke around looking for the mouse but at 11pm on a Friday I'm not overly motivated knowing what will happen next.All four of us stay in the bedroom that night with the door locked and me with the baseball bat to protect my family from imminent death.
Jane obviously couldn't sleep with the trauma and had to be escorted to the toilet and back when needed. She informs me of the survival plan which is basically she is going to go to her mams until I catch the mouse. Going to their mams is the automatic default for any Bennett so this is no shock.
I load up the car at 7am on a Saturday morning and wave them goodbye and start to design my plan to get rid of Mickey. I spend a few hours trying to locate him and see if I can get rid of him without killing him but I realise he is going to have to die. I hate this but draw inspiration from films like Rambo,commando, predator and even caretaker willie in the Simpsons. I need weapons!What would chuck Norris do?
I head to Atlantic homecare and buy an arsenal of traps and sticky paper devices and lay them all out with every type of bait you can think of from peanut butter and chocolate to rashers and jam. At least Mickey will die happy! I spread talcum powder all over the floor to see where the fucker is coming from. Several experts like Johnny the dreamboat and my dad call and we turn the place upside down but Mickey is nowhere to be seen all the while laughing from the shadows.It's like mission impossible at this stage.
I send everyone away and sit there quietly in the house sharpening my hunting knife waiting for the battle. I slow my breathing like a sniper and I wait and wait and wait. No tv on or no food have I eaten for the day. Mickey never shows.This is no ordinary mouse. It's on like donkey kong i tell him. He better be ready.
I go to the Bennett's house to see my children and to inform general Jane Dowling that there is no luck in the trenches with the hunt. She informs me she will not return to the house while Micky roams free and I am destined to spend the night at home.She tells me i will receive a dishonourable discharge if I fail. I pack clothes and necessities for them and bring them to her and I head back to the battle. When I check the traps at home I find the bait gone and no smell of a kill. He is toying with me now.
I decide to make the best of a bad situation and go for a few pints and get a Chinese and watch match of the day in my jocks with no women on my back at least. I briefly toy with the idea of divorce and myself and Mickey living the high life in the house with poker nights and strippers and super sports Sundays but I realise I'd be dead in a week from substance abuse face down in my own vomit.He is trying to get inside my head.The evening is enjoyable but tomorrow Michael mouse must die.......
Stayed tuned for part two of this epic tale of man versus mouse as its far from over......
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