Well in part one we learned that Kids are essentially small idiot versions of yourself so here are a few more of my top tips to dealing with the mini-me muppets.We covered subjects like brain washing,emergency nappies,toy recycling and disraction techniques in part one and tonight I will touch on subjects like car etiquette,bribery/decision making,reverse psychology,playing dead and a few more.
7.Bribery/decision making.This will obviously be a natural trick that parents have used for hundreds of years. You want the Child to do something but it won't do it so you bribe it with sweets or give it a choice to make.However I find parents only use this very sparingly when things are getting out of hand and they are under pressure.I use it for everything and use it every 5 minutes.
If Mia wants to stay up another 5 minutes then she gets no bed time story. If Mia wants to go to the playground then she better clean up the toys. This works for my poor soft hearted Mia very well and she understands the concept of bribery/decision making. However Ellie the super thug baby will simply have none of this bribery nonsense. If Ellie wants to stay up for 5 Mins then she is staying up I can tell you. If Ellie wants to go to the playground then you are going to the playground or suffer the worst earth shattering ,teeth grinding,exorcism scream and sturn face you have ever seen. Moral of the story here is Mia is a big wuss idiot softy like her dad and Ellie is (how do i put this)like her wildchild Mam.
8.Cars can be very difficult for parents and there can be a lot of hassle in the car so get your car etiquette right. Always give them something to do or eat or drink in the car to start with. Make sure any food or drink they get are the exact same as if one child has something different to the other child then you know full well one child will want what the other has. This is your fault and not the childs. You are an idiot.
If child A has a broken glass full of razor blades that is on fire then child B is going to want it regardless. Remember, they are also idiots. Always answer the Queations no matter how many times they ask. If you fawn them off with "I'm driving sweetheart so stop asking me questions" then they will be crying in minutes and kicking the seat and each other etc. and driving you nuts. I once answered 62 straight questions from Mia until she was a dribbling wreck and her brain had melted.
Play "I spy" but give them something they will never ever guess. They keep asking is it this or that and all you have to do is say no over and over and enjoy the radio. Even if they guess it say no.!When they do get really irritated then pull out the big guns and promise them something huge that you were probably going to do or give them anyway.
An example of this is to make a big huge circus type fuss,get all hyper and say in a dopey loud voice "who wants to go to the playground?". The dopes will instantly forget why they wanted to kill each other and be giggling like fools but you were going anyway so the joke is on them. If it gets very very bad then pull over but say nothing. Look out the window and sit there in silence. They dont know how to cope with that at all. It will take up to 5 minutes and they will be roaring crying and asking why you are stopped etc. but you will be amazed at how quick they stop crying because they have seen a butterfly or a dog out the window.
I know im repeating myself but never forget they are idiots.Another good one if they are tense and narky is to roar "there is nanny over there" and point and then they forget what was going on while they look for fake nanny.
The simple thing to remember for any car journey short or long is to start out well. Be on time and allow for the fact that they are stupid small people. For example if you need to be at dancing or football at 5.30 pm and the drive takes 10 minutes then 5.15 is not enough time to get them into the car unless you want world war III. You know full well the dopes wander aroound like people on LSD most of the time so at 4.45 you need to start telling them you will be leaving shortly.
They will need 5-10 minutes to stop playing whatever they are playing.Its now 4.55 and you think you have loads of time but its going to take another ten minutes to get starskey and hutch into coats or jumpers etc. Make them go to the toilet also at gunpoint if neccessary. It's now 5.05pm an out to the car you go.Then it's another ten minutes to get them into car seats as they jump around thinking the car is brilliant and dad cant catch us.
Eventually you get going for 5.15 the time you originally thought was alright to leave. If you do try leave at that time then you should expect WWIII and it would be your own fault.
8.Reverse physcholgy is self explanatory as well and a very handy technique that works very well with decision making and bribery.Simple examples are: "I would love to go upstairs to make a camp but we can't as we have to put all these toys away and get into our pj's first and i cant be bothered". My girls turn into Usain Bolt if you pull this trick. You can also say "Its an awful pity ye didn't finish dinner and that ye won't stop moaning because I was going to call over to Aunty Aimee's for a cup of tea". For safety reasons you would want to actually get out of the way after saying that one because it's like a stampede then to get to the car with beans on toast everywhere.
9.Playing dead! This one is much the same as pulling over the car. If you are all out of tricks and they are driving you spare and nothing seems to work then I'll always have playing dead in my pocket and it never fails for me but then again not everyone can managhe to block out the pain and noise of screaming or fighting kids.
If it's all too much and you can feel the pulmonary embolism starting then just lay down where you are either on your back or on your front and literally go to another place and completely detach and withdraw. It's amazing there. Nine times out of ten if i use this im normally singing "heal the world" by wacko jacko as its just perfect for the occasion. If you sing a little bit of it there in your head you will see what I mean.
Take the 5 mins out on the floor and if they still havent come around then it's time to get a grip and show them who is boss. Drop kicks,judo chops and headlocks are all acceptable at this stage but go with bulging eyes and big deep breaths before the physical stuff as that will hold up better in court.
10. General tips! This last one is just a few short tricks that most of you know but I like them and use them a lot. Play hide and go seek with them but obvioulsy don't find them at all around the house. You can get 4-5 mins a time watching the sports news with that one but you have to constantly shout,"I wonder where ye are?" about every 30 seconds. When they say it's your turn to hide you can say "I'm too big to hide so ye go again" and off they will trot again.
Play hot and cold as well.Same idea! Tell them you have hidden a toy in the room and they have to find it and you say hotter/colder etc. Really hide the fecking thing like so the dummies cant find it.Just as they are about to get bored 7 or 8 minutes later show them where it is and tell them they did a great job finding it and clap very loud. Even though they didnt find it they are delighted enough to play again while you get another ten minutes of flicking through the channels (unless jane is around like).
Building camps is number one for getting 20 minute off.Pile the cushions and throws etc. up and build a small two bed apartment out of it and they will sit in it twiddling their thumbs like dumb and dumber for half an hour and leave you in peace.
I'll leave it at that folks. All or none of this may or may not have happened. This is a disclaimer. Terms and conditions apply. No children were harmed in the making of this blog.Not physically anyway!
On a serious note all kids want is your time. It's more precious than any one thing you can give them and far more valuable. It's also irreplaceable so everytime you chose to do something else over spending time with them is time you can never get back.One day they will grow and leave. Then again maybe that's heaven for some people.
We spend the first 3 years of our children's lives wishing they would walk and talk and we spend the next 10-15 telling them to sit down and shut up.
Heal the world..... Make it a better place...for you and fore me and the entire human race.....
