Thug life.

*long winded ramble*

So i have the cutest 2.5 year old you'd ever like to meet. She is cute in the cute sense but also in the sneakiness sense. Basically my 2.5 year old Ellie is a thug and its a thug life as the song goes. She is a very good child who plods along in life but she defo whistles to the sound of her own tune.

Lately she is a major liability and its probably second child syndrome. She no longer accepts we are in charge and if she doesn't get what she wants then there is trouble.If she wants something another child has then she is taking it, no questions asked. Size or age of child or blood relation does not matter a jot to Ellie the demon barber of brazil. That child or indeed adult is  getting owned big time.

She has the same chewed up dummy for over a year that we try to take off her but when we are all sitting around quietly and we here those scary words "where my dummy daddy", we all run for cover diving behind couches or we pretend to be asleep in case she goes for us with one of her patented Kung fu chops. It is the most disgusting dummy I have seen as the picture shows.Its what I imagine a tumour looks like.

We are afraid to go to a busy playground as she simply looks around to see who her next victim of violent crime could be. She stands there chewing her dummy like Popeye surveying the playground like a mafia boss on a hit. The swings go quiet and people get uncomfortable when she arrives.Kids hurry home for dinner at 10am.She  is fine on the swing but its the slides where the trouble starts.

Not one for the cueing system she will remove boys , girls, adults and  animals from her path. On a recent trip to Fitzgeralds park at the weekend she punched one lad of 4, pushed another lad of 3 off the end of the slide and kicked a mother who was trying to coax her nervous daughter Down the slide. She  waits on the ladder for people to come up the steps so she can kick them. 

When I let out a roar then to tell her she is being bold she sticks out her finger and roars incoherent babble at me and everyone laughs as she launches down the slide again.

Like her mam then she will  not walk anywhere. If you have to travel a distance of more than 50 feet at one go the the cry goes up "daddy shoulders now please". I'm like the fuckin hunchback of  Notre dame from carrying "Don Ellione" around the place. I have shrunk 2 inches from her thunder thighs busting my neck muscles. 

Her poor 4.5 year old sister is bullied by her. Ellie will not put on a cost unless Mia does. She won't take off her shoes or put them on until her sister does. She orders poor Mia to do everything and the fool does it as she is too soft altogether.We have to have a lifetime supply of actimel drinks and pork onion and tomato to hand or we will all perish.

What can be done with this thug? At the time of going to print my family and I are safe but as soon as she learns to read or is informed of this article I may wake up with a horses head or a my little pony head in my bed and could end up sleeping with the fishy's. If that happens you know who murdered  me. It was the small blond "Don Ellione" with the chewed up red dummy!!!

Happy New Year

*long winded ramble*

......said i'd get in there early meself so I wont be spending the last hour or 5 of 2012 liking "happy new years satus'". Happy new year to everyone who knows me especially the people this year who I accepted as friends despite not having a clue who ye are. I even love ye ye freaks.......I'll be down in my shed at the turn of the year in darkness... with nothing but a torch doing scary faces continuing in my quest to break my social media addiction.

 Ill be logging off then for a bit after a week or so to try see what life is really like again for a laugh. I will of course be telling myself the obligatory lies that I am going to get fit and stay off the hooch and all that bullshit for about 4 days until the weekend comes around and the January blues kick in and I sprint to super valu for 10 dutch gold and eat 4 breast in a bun in me jocks to the crying game soundtrack while the rest of the family sleeps.

I'm thinking of taking up smoking as well for the bang. Its the only bad habbit I never had and i'm dying to get hooked on the fags if im honest. Genuinley though going to cut the booze back to 6 days a week. I had hoped the budget would up the drink to about a fiver a can to save me but it looks like I'm actually going to have to try kick the booze myself.

I have had several messages about the bins and to be honest the year has ended very badly in regard to the bins and recycling. I have enough cardboard and recycling in the garage to make a small village that could end the homeless situation on mainland europe.

I found 2 lads this morning asleep in the boxes when I went out there.The main bin has actually come alive and is trying to empty itself and I still have no idea what day that the bin men will return but my whole January will be spent peeping out the windows at 6 am waiting and watching and hoping that i see that orange light and hear country clean battering bins around and then I will have my revenge. 

I have serious dose of the rats and my head is like a Tim burton film from the lack of sleep. Every time I see the tin of roses I start to cry uncontrolably and last night I slept for over 2 whole hours with a giant caramel bar chasing me with betting tips.

Night is day and day is night at this stage. I was even crying watching the darts last night for no reason.

Once more unto the breech.Its been emotional. Catch you on the flip side. Don't ever bring a knife to a gun fight. in fact just dont go to a gun fight.

Insomnia

* long winded ramble*

People wonder why I don’t worry about my insomnia. I’ll tell you why.

Why do we all spend so much of our lives wasting time? The average person will spend almost every 24 hour period the same. Most will sleep 8 hours and work 8 hours and that leave 8 hours. 

 So much of that 8 hours is then taken up with rinse and repeat mundane actions like travelling to and from places or going to the shop or hanging out the washing or doing housework or looking after those pesky kids. We literally just exist.

When we then eventually get an hour or two to actually relax and do something what do we do? We do very little.

We facebook or watch the same shit on tv over and over again. We go to the same places and see the same people and eat and drink the same things. We think we try loads of new things but we don’t in the great scheme of things.

I have seen the same Mickey Mouse fun house 3 times this morning. I will never ever get that hour back in my life. It’s gone. Over. never getting that hour back. Typing this has been an enormous waste of time as well.

Jane is still in bed. Mia went back to bed. It’s just me and Ellie and her immense ability to eat a whole slice pan of toast. My brain never shuts down. It never stops. It’s a massive massive hamster wheel and the hamster is on a mixture of red bull and lucozade and is turning that wheel 24/7 at 120mph. Always switched on and never slowing down.

As I said the other day im alive over 13.500 days or something like that. 2/3 of that time has been a complete waste of time doing the same stuff over and over with the odd exception of some spectacular events holiday etc and putting out the bins which I live for.

We are not but should be in control of our destiny.

If a normal sleeping person is alive 13,500 days (making them 36 roughly) then they have slept 4,500 of those leaving 9,000 days. Out of those 9,000 days they have worked or been at school 4500 etc leaving 4,500 days to actually live. You can be sure over half those days were a complete waste of time doing those rinse and repeat everyday things. Then there are people out there who never ever try anything new at all whether its food or holidays or an activity. That is just simply crazy to me.
Try everything, go everywhere you can, see everything you can see, meet people you can meet. Even if it’s taking a different route to work or just having a pint in a different bar or calling to a friend you haven’t seen in years. Do something today that you have never done before or in a long time. There are millions of possibilities within your control today to do.I  have been awake the same lenght of time as any 70 year old yet im only 36.

Just don’t sleep though

now see why i count myslef lucky im awake more than you.lol

 

 

Mayan calender end to world.

To all those clean living straight down the line lettuce eating rabbit like freaks who go to the gym 7 days a week and eat bird seeds, Joke is on you Friday.... Ill be sitting naked on the front porch with a bottle of beer and a cheeseburger as I go down in flames stuffin in the last few chocolate roses from the tin while thunderstruck plays in the background.The end is near my friends and you have wasted it doing the Xmas shopping and crying in your protein shakes.Ill be so freaked if the world doesn't end......

Interview with Henry hoover.

*Long winded ramble*

This week I was lucky enough to get an interview with theee top professional Hoover in the business. Henry the Hoover has worked tirelessly with Jane Dowling and her family for over a year now, something that 5 hoovers and a black and Decker dust buster couldn't manage over the previous year.


Me: so Henry you have been working with Jane now for a while. How do you find it?

Henry : "Well I had heard the rumours of Mrs. Dowling and her hoovering obsession as well as the many broken hoovers so while I was excited I was also nervous about starting with her. She would be well known on the hoovering scene as a tough lady to Hoover for but I worked out a lot before taking the job and had a superb diet of shake and vac."

Me: how are you finding it so far?


Henry : It was tough at the start with the 3 times a day rule for hoovering especially when nobody had even been in the house and Jane will literally hoover up anything from a small peppa pig to hair clips to the children's puke to a child itself but as I have got to know her needs we have a mutual respect. This lady hoovers on her knees with just the nozzle so I admire her commitment and I'm just as committed. She is very kind to me and allows my son from a previous marriage (to a dyson) to stay over at the weekend’s. I  can see when she is a bit down and to cheer her up I would normally Hoover a 4th time which puts her in great form.
I don't understand sometimes why she gets up at night to stand in the dark with me plugged in to just wait for dust so she can hoover but it’s best not to ask a 5 time winter Olympic Hoover gold medal winner what she is doing.
She also sings a lot while hoovering and although she has a voice like a skunk being shot she has the same taste in music as me. It's nice on an idle Wednesday when she is smiling and singing the carpenters.

She even hoovers when sick,hungover or in fact while drunk. Nothing gets in the way of her hoovering. she bought me a lovely hamper at Xmas as a bonus. It's tough living under the stairs but compared to other hoovers I have it good. Her husband does get jealous of the time we spent together but he doesn't understand her Like I do. When he is not around Jane likes to hug and hold me for a bit but that's as far as it goes. She has 2 lovely girls who now like to Hoover as well and my son sucky likes to play with them

.
Me: Thank you so much Henry. You are another of life's unsung heroes. (See pic of Henry and little sucky)

Dora Dies R.I.P.

Shocking news reaching us this Easter Sunday as we learn that child superstar Dora the explorer has been found dead in suspicious circumstances at a North side Cork residence at an early morning party.

Pictures leaked earlier on the net of an unconscious Dora lying under a wheelie bin with drink and drugs present at the scene. Witnesses at the party say that Dora had been drinking heavily and had taken enough drugs to kill 10 horses.Our source said that Dora was looking for fried chicken in the bin after a dose of the munchies.

Not much more is known at this time as the superstar was lying low after her split from Justin trousersnake.

Dora hated the limelight and the 50 billion dollar girl was constantly on the Cork party scene recently among rumours of a drug problem.

Nobody was at her east Cork mansion this morning for comment.

Her best  friend back pack was said to be too devastated to talk while colleague Swiper the fox is on location shooting the next installment of the invincibles.

Dora's other long term friend map (who himself is in rehab) has taken the news very badly. A post mortem will take place in the morning.

follow up:

Further allegations today reveal that Dora the expoler (real name rosalita vasquez) was going to be exposed in the media this week as a major players in a 500 million drug operation as well as running a European wide prostitution racket involving up to 200 people. This source can reveal that Dora was about to reach out to the gardai in the hope of entering witness protection in return for sworn testimony. It is still very unclear at this stage as to whether Ms. Vasquez overdosed in a terrible accident or if indeed her many enemies had a part to play in this tragic tale. Officers have been examining her phone in order to piece together the final movemenets (or explorations) of dora.Friends had become increasingly worried in the last few months since the legends third divorce in 6 years to a wealthy oil tycoon and recent flings with many hollywood a-listers including Justin  trousersnake may have brought her to insanity.

Tributes:

Special agent oso said Dora was his inspiration for getting into the business and he will miss her dearly. Lionel Ritchie lined up to sing at funeral. Funeral arrangement are not yet finalised but rumour had it that it will be held through the magic Forrest, over the icy river and up the tallest mountain in accordance with Dora's wishes.

Stevie wonder said he had Dora to thank for helping him to stop answering the iron instead of his phone when it rang.

My 4 year old daughter is getting engaged!!

Major engagement news. Clear your calendars for the wedding of the year. I had hoped she was a lesbian and i hoped she would wait a few years but my little 4 year old Mia announced today that she is getting married to Harry from one direction in June in London no less in a big castle with lots of sparkles and flowers. She is having her aunties Liz,Catherine, Aimee and her Mam as bridesmaids apparently. She said I can go which is nice of her. Her 3 year old cousin Martin is organising all the food(should be interesting). She has a dress picked out she says.

 

All I need now is to let Harry know but I can't see a problem *cracks knuckles*. Ill be on to ye with exact time and details.I asked her why she was marrying him and she said "cos I love him so much dad". Sure what can ya do. Look after her Harry cos if you don't I'll make sure you live out your days on a dessert island after a 29 day operation to replace your arms with your legs and vica versa. Ill sit on the island with you dressed as barney and sing the muffin man repeatedly until you walk into the tide and everyone knows I could do it easily. No pressure Harry. We will expect the ring tomorrow.

Flying from London.

Never flying again. Bad enough having the rats but the last 15 mins of flight were horrific in the wind and there were many many people very scared. Then just as captain fucko had the back wheels down on the Cork runway a massive gust came our way and Captain Kirk decided to floor it back into the air. there was no announcement for about 6-8 mins before a clearly shaken captain announced he decided not to land and would give us further information soon so nobody knew if we were missing a wheel or if damage had been done. We circled for a while with a lot of people crying and some puking before landing again with zero announcement. I still have not stopped shaking. The big man is never scared or intimidated but Christ I'll never forget that half hour and the fear in people's faces. Break out the beer cans.

Flying to london

*Long winding ramble*.

I am off to London for a few days tomorrow with the wife and anyone who knows me knows that I hate flying and as the most irresponsible Person on the planet by a long way I have no will made should the plane smash into a mountain in a fireball I would like this to be my last will and testament.

All the shit I have accumulated over the years is to be burned... except for my fully completed 1986 full panini sticker album and the poster of Franco Baresi. Gerry power can have them.

I have no idea who the house is insured with or who I have life assurance with because I'll be dead and won't care.Sort out that shit out yourselves. Never bought into that whole "provide for your family when you are gone" way of thinking, after all I'm dead so I'm not all that concerned. I have bigger problems like the Ninth Circle of hell rather than discuss who gets my dubarry's.

I had a great run of of it. I have seen and done some crazy shit in my 36 years. Enough to fill 5 other lifetimes. Left nothing after me and tried everything that came my way. I honestly don't know how people live without trying something new everyday or when they can.

 

I have laughed to the point of collapse in the company of friends and family and even requested an operation to have my laugh removed years ago it hurt so much.I now only laugh on the inside.
Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates.... He was right! I ate the box and bought a second box and ate those as well. Even the orange barrels.

To all my family and close friends I love you dearly. memories never cease and ill always have those.

All I ask in reality is for someone to take care of the two girls. Raise them good with manners. Teach them all there is to know about life. Education will only take them so far. Make sure they know the world, right from wrong, good from bad. Let nobody hurt them and let them hurt no one. Make sure they take everyday like I did as a bonus and never let them experience hate same as I have never. Hate is too heavy a burden on the soul.there is not a word in the dictionary to describe how I love ye girls. Ye never leave my mind for a second.Pure and utter joy and pride is all ye bring me and undefined love.

I will leave Aunty Aimee and uncle Johnny as guardian because the grand parents have raised enough, auntie Catherine would only show them how to Max a credit card or get parking fines, Aunty Liz doolittle is obsessed with animals and I'd be worried for them, Uncle William or uncle Gary are lucky they can breathe unaided so that leaves Aimee who has the right amount of crankiness and sense to raise them for us. She is like the pipe piper anyway with smallies.

If ye can , get something named after me like a park bench or a rose garden. Think of us often. Don't forget us.
I'd like to pretend that when the plane is going down I'd be calm and smile as I think of my life flashing before me but let's be honest ill be bawling crying and in an awful panic putting on 6 oxygen masks while inflating the yellow yokeybob and blowing the whistle while screaming "we are all going to die".

At least i'll have clean socks and jocks on which is essential in any death situation. Ye will find my body clung to the black box recorder as the air crash investigators always find that.

My final words:

When life gets ya down just sit back, take a deep breath and think how huge this world is and all that goes with it. We are all 100% guaranteed bad times in our future so why would you want to waste anymore time than you have in life not enjoying the minute,hour or day you have in front of you because its all we have. One day at a time.

Good luck and thanks!P

 

Please play smack my bitch by up by prodighy at my funeral or thunderstruck. I mean it. Think of me every time you see the sun. Not very often I know...

General ramble

*Long winded Ramble time*

Long long but enjoyable day. Lots of outdoor fun with the girls. Baby Jay called to grannies for tea. For the first time since the smallies came along they gave me a run for my money in the energy stakes. I'd call it a draw today. Ran and played the fuckers into the ground but they kept on coming.

Came home at 4 to watch the  Utd game. Ye can call social services if ye want but I locked them in the back room with a DVD and popcorn. They could have caught fire or performed setanic killings on each other and I wouldn't have cared. Turned up the volume and left them at it.

It was at this point that Lazarus (Jane)rose from the dead bringing all the depression of an oppressed nation with her.Poor old pet was in bed 13 hours. Sure god love her.

The smallies then broke free from detention in the second half and I had had enough. I was going to have a nice soak in the tub before resuming dope duties.

With the door lock broken dumb and dumber descended on me in the bath in less than 30 seconds and it was like the troops storming the beach at Normandy ala Saving Private Ryan as they launched into the bath.
I had to strip them down and let them stay and had to be shampooed and washed etc by them. Ellie decided then I needed to get out and threw my dry towel into the bath saying "here ya go daddy".
The only way I could get peace was to hold my breath under the water. I thought about staying under a few times to be honest. When they had finished drying me and changing my nappy for bed I noticed that Ellie had turned on the sink and it was overflowing of course.
I put them in their pyjamas while Jane watched tv for her hangover and then just as Mia was almost out cold she said she was starving. 4 slices of toast later and her non stop talking about her wedding next year to Harry I had had enough. I had to make spoof phone calls to all of one direction, Robbie Williams,pink, Nikki minaj, Bruno mars, Beyonce and Calvin Harris. B list celebs like Donald Duck, Pluto , goofey. Micky and mini mouse are also invited.
Came down stairs and had a beer and ordered a take away and of course rub poor janes legs and listen to her troubles.
She just went back to bed 20 mins ago and all I asked was she put out the plates to the kitchen and I'd look after them. You would swear I asked her to perform open heart surgery in the dark. She didn't do it. Shit is your thanks. Lol.Watching captain Robbie Keane at the moment. Come on the galaxy.

Thoughts are with the 3 families who lost people this week and with people in my own family going through a tough time.

Tough times never last but tough people do. Mind yerselves.

Lidl lady

To the lady in lidl saturday.You will never know how close you came to meeting your maker. After waiting in line for 10 minutes and trying to organize the shopping in 4 corners of your trolley you then spent over a minute looking for exact change before breaking a note anyway. You then of course had to not only put all the change away while standing at the register but also had to put your purse back in your bag delaying us all further. Sure we have nowhere else or nothing else to be doing so let you just take your time there and we will all wait for you.

I may have smiled at you but on the inside I was hurting like someone was holding a lighter to my testicles while simultaneously sticking toothpicks into my eyeballs.

All I wanted to do was push you into your trolley and spin it around and around til you got sick and then fire the trolley out the door into the main car park before continuing with my business as if nothing had happened.I will never again get those 5 minutes you stole from my life back again.They are gone for good. You better watch your back the next time you are in lidl Nora Batty cos your cards are marked. Make no mistake about that. Next time one or both of us will die in a trolley death match. I'm not afraid to die Nora but are you?

Retiring as a man.

*Long winded ramble*

After 36 years as a man ( not much of one admittedly)I have decided to retire and become a woman. I am utterly useless as a man anyway. Anyone who knows me knows I'm useless at DIY but today I took it to a whole new level. When you can't even change a lightbulb it's time to call it a day. I blew all the upstairs lights trying to do the simplest of DIY jobs.

It's over for me.... Friday night I wanted to go to Turners cross for the city game but was instead attending a tea party for all the princess's (of which I was one).

Saturday I tried to watch the united match with a 2 year old swinging off my neck like a lesbian ninja while getting my nails painted by the 4 year old. The only way I could get to see the match was to have a pretend hip operation while lying on the ground.

These women of mine are literally sucking the life clean out of me.
Sunday morning I had all 3 barking orders at me simultaneously for different things and resistance was futile.

I stayed calm and went about changing Ellie's nappy. Now I'm a veteran at the nappies and its a rare one bugs me but sweet Jesus Christ this nappy was a danger to mankind's existence.

I immediately started to cry with the emotion of it at first but then as I empty reached repeatedly a strange calm came over me. I became devoid of emotion now and went to the car where I sat for what seemed like an hour with the thousand yard stare looking soullessly out the window.I knew this nappy would leave me needing therapy. I had seen what could not be unseen. How any human body could produce this was a total mystery to me. Even now I can taste it in the air.

Ellie looked at me with those shifty eyes as if to say "this is what you made me do dad, you disgust me." James Bond would have told the Russians everything they needed to know if they just produced this nappy to him.

We went to the St. Patricks day parade and all I could think about was the nappy. I thought about jumping the barricade and just join some random group and keep walking til I hit water but I knew that they would find me in a submarine to make them toast or to go to the shop or to play dollies.

It's not fair what they have done to me. I don't deserve it.Why would anyone put someone through such pain yet they won't be happy til I'm just sitting there on the floor in my jocks dribbling away while they throw old pennies at me while I dance like a monkey for their entertainment. I have rights as well don't I?

My life has been reduced to gone off cans of miller and Facebook rants. Worst of all it's a bank holiday weekend and I have no idea will the bin be collected.

If there is any luck the miller will have poisoned me by the morning. On a more positive note I have the Dora pillow tonight which is my favourite one. Toodle-oo.

LOL.

*Long winded ramble imminent*

We could all do with a laugh today with all that has happened especially seeing as I'm going to croak it during the night and be found dead down a sewer for not sharing Natasha Manning 's chain letter. If I do... descend into the 9th circle of hell make sure she is brought to justice. Avenge my death people.At least it's sunny in hell.

Anyway it's good to hear fat head Mark Daly and big Bríd O'Riordan are safe in Boston. On the home front it has been 2 weeks of sickness in the Dowling household with 4 visits to south doc and about 300 euro dropped in medical expenses. The lovely people at south doc sent us a lovely postcard from the Caribbean and wished us well as they drank lovely cocktails on us.

You could have been forgiven for thinking they were filming a remake of mash or contagion 2 if you walked into our house such was the devastation and me looking after 3 cripples. At one stage I contemplated the vet to put them out of their misery. Whoever came up with man flu would want to have visited my three pities. Woman flu more like.

Jane in her weakened condition still managed to Hoover. I honestly think if sky news said there was a comet about to hit the earth and we were all goners that Jane would still Hoover the house so it would be clean when it's smashed into oblivion.

I'm defo getting her a dyson for Xmas.In fairness to Henry he had at least lasted longer than the previous 4 hoovers in twelve months that went before him. Hoover suicide was expected from those poor hoovers such was the demand on them.CSI are investigating.

On a happier note I finally got a son of sorts in my godson Jay. It eases the disappointment of having 2 daughters and 2 god daughters. Going to start him In ninja training A.S.A.P. and world dominance will be ours circa 2015 if God or superman or whoever runs the show spares us. Good to see my friends as well and have faith in humanity again. How these bunch if idiots have managed to stay alive is anyone's guess. Even Spanish John's hair is lovely. He is a very beautiful man. Wetting the babies head was an understatement.

Thanks to Pauline and Ger for the honour. Myself and Jay are not sure what is to be done with ye when we don't need ye anymore.

Ill leave ye with major bin news. My red bin is due to be collected tomorrow for the first time. It's the glass one. It's been full for over a year of beer bottles and I was so disgraced by the amount of bottles I switched to cans instead. Then I remembered I have zero Shame whatsoever so i'll go out at 6 am to see her off and hear the crash of the bottles and have a chat with Mick and Rob our bin men. Might do a little candle ceremony if the lads have time. Mind yereselves out there lads. Keep fighting.

Everyday may be ground hog day and life can suck a lot but it don't suck as much as the graveyard. Grab any laugh you can and be kind. It's just easier.

TV drama

Just arrived in after my match and training to find everyone asleep. It's my time to shine. This is my moment. I have got to get the remote control from Jane's hand though and that will be difficult. She has it well wedged into her claw.

Ill need to be very careful. No sudden movements. Wish me luck. I'll need all my bomb disposal training and crafty ness to pull this off or else i'll be watching some god awful  CSI shit again.

I'm very nervous.I could do with a fishing rod or something.If she wakes i'll have to do the pretend sleep thing. To think I could have the tv for a few hours. Eyes on the prize..... I'm going in.

Bored with Phone

*long winded ramble*.

I was bored and said I'd go through my phone contacts as there are over 250 names in it. Apart from a few duplications I didn't delete many but noticed that fewer than 10% have an actual names as the one thing I love more than bad language is a knickname. It's a Cork thing but defo a norry thing.

I can't count on one hand the amount of people I call by their actual name including my own wife and children and mother and father. My father is jungle Jim, my mother is Johannah splash. Here are just a few of the names in the phone. a lot of you will recognise yourselves.

I have got; Cabbage head, Baz head, 2 fag, Jimmy the saint, the phantom, Hando,rasp, clown pants, Bigman, Beezer,Bezerker, tumbleweed, hand me down the moon, talking Tom,Spanish John (formerly Kenny wart neck gullet hole face.)

More include dangerous Dave, champ, favourite,the Gobstopper,horrible, Johnny the dreamboat, the man with the plastic face, wan ball,wombles, jimmy tails, sparky, spooky,beaker, obi 5 kenobi, the terrorist,Pippy, the small man with a giants head and last but not least the man who forgot his head.

I actually regularly engage with all these people and call them or refer to them by those names. Daycint.

Can I get a call back, ten four, over and out, rubber ducky. It's great to be aged 4.

What's wrong with people today?

I've done my good deeds for the day anyway. I don't know what's happening to the world. First I'm down Blackpool by the old glen hall and a poor man in his 70s is in bits on  the ground with cars flying by and people stepping over him. I Helped the poor man up and got an address out of him and eventually got him home. He is dead when he comes around anyway by the wife.

Then i go to looney's for fritters and a young lad about ten is afraid to walk home as it's 10 o clock and he says there is a man around called stinky man who sets his boxer dog on kids in particular. With nobody taking a blind bit of notice of him I ring his grandad who collected him. Can't people just help each other out like.It's a cold world out there.

Surely I'll win the lotto this week.