I'm not an expert on any subject and certainly not on how to be a good parent. I would never ever criticise the rules,regulations or controls another parent puts on their children and with that in mind I beg of you not to take my parental advice and tips to the gardai or the social services as I'm quite sure some of what I am about to tell you is illegal or at the very least cruel to children.
All I know about children and their care is to keep them warm,keep them fed,keep them safe and keep them happy. The rest I'm afraid is a load of bullshit until they can learn for themselves but as i said if you want to read 50 books, feed your child wheatgrass or do what your mother,sister or uncle buck does then thats fine by me. I have 2 girls who I would (and probably will in 15 years)die for. My eldest disappointment is 4.75 years old and my youngest disappointment is 3 next week.
It's not possible for me to even attempt to tell you what to do with a moany 8 or 9 year old or a teenager as I don't have one so I'm only offering survival advice to anyone with kids my age and in particular girls.
Im a child myself with the mental capacity of a 4 year old so I like to think I know what the fuckers are thinking.I've been around longer then them and have a lot of experience as a 4/5 year old myself.
The main advantage I have over dumb and dumber is my patience.I've got it in spades despite being a noisy and annoying fecker as most of you know. I can count on 2 fingers the amount of times the kids have gotten into my mind and won the battle of wits causing me to lose it. If I lose it then they have won and in my eyes the fuckers should never ever win.The shouting and roaring is done by Mammy as she takes over the world with her hoover and cleaning rag. Thats another days work though.
You've got to know your enemy so here are my top tips for those daily situations you come across in the warzone and the battle of kids v parents.
1. Always remember you signed up for kids and there is no receipt for them. They can't be sent back to amazon so shut your moaning about being tired and being sick of them and that you need a rest or a break.Snap out of your buzz and get on with it. It's their world and you only live in it.Your life as you know it is over. Tough!
2. Always have a spare emergency nappy and always have some emergency wipes. When you buy them in the shop go home and place 2 nappies and some wipes in a different cupoborad so when they take a "barry white" at 11pm at night you are not left without a nappy. You should also do this with toilet roll for the adults as there is nothing worse than having a white knuckler at 7am and no toilet roll. This way you can shuffle to the cupboard for the emergency one that you hid.
3. Brain wash the dopes!They are essentially small idiot versions of yourself and are open to brain washing especially when they can't read or write or tell the time. An example of this is I always tell Mia and Ellie from 5pm on that it's time for bed. They immediately say; "no dad we want to stay up for another 5 minutes".What you then do is tell them every 5 minutes up until 7pm (real bedtime) that its bedtime until such time as the Brain washing kicks in and their tiny little pea brains snap and they go to bed thinking they have gotten away with it when in actual fact you broke their brain. You can also pretend it's any day of the week you want as they havent a clue about time or days of the week.
4. Recycle the toys and programmes. If you need a breather from playing stupid ass fairy games then get out a bag of toys they haven't seen in a few months. Even if the toys are broken it won't matter. When the new (old) toys fall onto the ground I can personally guarantee they will flock to them like dribbling zombies to check them out leaving you free to have a coffee.This also works with the tv. Put on an episode of soemthing they have never seen before or a new film etc when it's tv time and they zone out and almost try climb into the tv to get to that magical mickey mouse land like 2 hippes on acid. The tv trick also works with Jane.
5.When they are sitting still or playing quietly dont disturb them. Even if there is an imminent gas explosion or ye are due at the airport for a flight do not disturb them. I don't care if the dinner is up or its bath time or they need life saving treatment for a gaping head wound. What kind of idiot parent makes either eye,visual or voice contact with a quietly playing child.Just sit there and enjoy the break and don't speak to them because as soon as you disturb the losers you will be asked for a drink or something to eat or in my case within seconds you will be having make up applied or playing dollies for the thousandth time. If you are out of the room while they are playing quietly then stay out of it and out of sight. I have often gone out our front door and around to the back door to get to the kitchen rather than letting them see me pass the door and disturb them.If it's raining then I crawl passed the door.
6. Learn what distraction techniques work best for your kids. I find that mine don't tend to bug me if I'm on the phone talking so if you are 45 mins into a puzzle and drawing session then make a fake phone call and talk loud and leave the room. This will buy you at least 15 mins peace and quiet. Another good one is to just get up off the ground from the princess picnic party in a panic and pretend there's is an emergency. They get stunned and speechless by this as if you had tasered them. Again this will get you out of the room for 20 mins to recover. I used to pretend I had hurt my leg or my hand but the freaks copped this and it only led to a game of doctor and i'd get a full examination south Doc style for half an hour.
I've got to go for now as the girls need me to play daddy mountain which is a game where I lie against the couch and they take it in their turns to walk along my legs and up my stomach and chest before eventually standing on my head and shoulders to jump onto the couch declaring they have climbed the daddy mountain. Mia is not to bad but Ellie the thug is rough as a badgers arse and gives you the odd kick or punch in the mouth on the way up. At least when we play this I can watch the sports news in the background as I get pummelled.
Stay tuned for part 2 of my parenting tips where we deal with bribery, bedtime and car etiquette.
Remember kids are muppets but they are your muppets.
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