I ring her every day for a chat as she can out talk any 5 people I know, even me. With this in mind as well as concern for my own and her mental health some ground rules had to be set out.These are genuine.
1. She gets 8 minutes on the phone as 20+minute phone calls were regular with me losing the will to live by the end if it.Al Qaeda would break listening to her.
2. She can only talk about a maximum of two subjects.
3. Complaining about my Dad and his every single movement of that day is a subject.
4. When I say "move it along Mam" when she trails off and forgets her original subject or point she must do so or forfeit 30 seconds on the clock.
5. She must accept I may have heard the story she is telling before and not ask me how i knew or to prove I'm not just saying that I've heard it before.
Heres a typical conversation:
Me: Hi Mam how's things?
Mam :grand now son, yourself?how are my beautiful grandchildren?
Me : all grand mam,what's the news?
Mam: your father is driving me around the bend. He is mooching around the place there and cranky all morning.
Me:I know mam he's been doing that for 40 years like.
Mam: I know but he has newspapers everywhere and he is searching for a sheet of paper he had with a phone number and when I ask him what he is looking for he says mind your own business woman.I can't get anything done with him.
Me: ya I know but why did you ask him if you knew what he was looking for.Just divorce him .ye had a good run.
Mam: I don't know. He's after cutting the grass now and there is more grass in the house than the garden and I'm sick of sweeping up the grass. He won't use the grass box like.I mean what kind of fool doesn't use the grass box.
Me: I dunno mam but il stop you there because as riveting as this is I'm kind of busy as well like.
Mam : You do nothing sure!
Me:Thanks mam!
Mam:How much time have I left?
Me: About 6 mins unfortunately mam.
Mam: Did I tell you Noreen is getting all her garden done? It's going to be fabulous when its done. She has 3 fellas in doing it.... (Proceeds to talk about every single tiny detail of the garden etc etc including where gardener are from and how I might know them.I always have to pretend I know them or else listen to ten minutes of her trying to link me to them somehow)
Me: You told me all that yesterday.
Mam: why did you let me tell you again?I thought I'm not allowed repeat stories? (me poor mam like).
Me: Because its eating up your 8 minutes and it stops me from wanting to kill myself.
Mam: how long have I left?
Me: One minute mam. Lets wrap this baby up and put it to bed cos once again we will never get these 8 minutes back in our lives mam. They are gone for good.
Mam: you're very brazen to your poor mother.
Me: you're very brazen to my ears.I'd smother you in your sleep only for you wouldn't stop talking if I did and eventually consume the pillow.
Mam: I have to go anyway as the child (my 32 year old brother) is coming for his dinner.( I never get a dinner ffs)
Me :(sarcastically)Oh the child is coming is it. All make way for the child. Roll out the red carpet for the child. Don't forget now mam to wash behind the child's ears when you are bathing him and make sure you break his wind the poor little fella. Make sure he gets his blanky and a nice bottle before bed. Make sure now there is no draught so hewon't get a cold. I'm going to punch him right in his spine when i see him.
Mam:what's on the clock now ya lunatic???? (And hangs up)
I look at the clock. 11 minutes. Touché Mam.....Touché!
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