Write a book they said???

*long winded ramble*

Write a book they keep telling me!

What would I write a book about? How do you write a book? Why would anyone read it? What would I call it?

I just like to fill the 21 hours a day I'm awake thinking of all sorts from toilet etiquette to nuclear power and the power of the purple snack. I like to waffle and ramble about absolutely nothing so what would be the basis for my undoubted best seller?

Send all ideas on a postcards to me please.

I suppose I've been fortunate in my 38 years of  relatively good health to have gained a massive amount of life experience through travel and also through never pre-judging or looking down on people. This may seem like a small thing but not looking down on someone and trying to understand difficult people is probably my favourite thing.


I love listening to others and love hearing about their lives no matter how good or bad the experience of same. People and their lives and the decisions they make just intrigue me to the point of addiction.One of the addictions to Facebook was being able to see and hear from people everyday that I wouldn't normally so it fed my people addiction along with sheer joy in seeing their lives unfold everyday and share in it.


The same point was also the reason for me deciding to quit Facebook for a while and to physically connect from a social point of view rather than a virtual one. I just simply spent far to much time on it. Morning noon and night I was/am a slave to social media. I decided I'd write more but I'm suffering from Facebook withdrawals and feel like my immediate audience is lost forever. I also find that liberating to know I'm hitting these keys for nobody else but me. That feels good as well.

As for what ill write a book about I'm afraid I have no idea. I'll do some soul searching!

What do I believe in? What am I passionate about? I haven't even the smallest idea of the answer. I am the most opinionated person on the planet but that's just it.....It's just opinion and never personal. I don't feel strongly enough about anything.

 All I believe in is right and wrong and what's fair and what is not fair. I believe in love and family and friends but that's about it. I believe in always trying to see the good in people no matter how others perceive them or judge them. I believe in never hurting others and being kind and nice. I believe in helping people less fortunate and just helping in general. I believe in sympathy and empathy. I believe in happiness and positivity. I believe in the good and the brave. I believe in not taking life or people for granted!

Looks like I believe in a lot more than I though but I still have no idea what id write a book about???

Is there anybody even reading this? I'd doubt it but sure I'm reading and writing it anyway.

I just wish I believed in me though.....

Social media suicide.

*long winded ramble*


I'm committing social media suicide slowly but surely. I have become addicted to Facebook in particular and I can't justify the time I spend on it versus things I could be doing otherwise with that time, particularly writing.

Over the coming weeks I will one by one try to get rid of twitter, snap chat, instagram and whatever else I have. This is the only place I will vent. This is the only place I will give my opinion. It is refreshing to know that I will just be typing for the love of it even though that's all I was doing anyway. It is refreshing to know that this will be my writing space.


I will hugely miss parts of Facebook but I could no longer tell whether or not the good outweighed the bad on there or if indeed it was as good as it was bad for me personally. I am 100% sure however I need the break. It fuels my insomnia and races my thoughts even further. As a deeply insecure person who need badly to work on his own self esteem and his own pride I will use this place to grow again and be strong where I am weak.

I apologise in advance for my poor grammar and spelling but will not let it hold me back in the future.I'll see you in the trenches. I'm not even sure if anybody will read this but it's fabulous relief to not care.

Groundhog Day

*long winded ramble*

Everyone has their own individual groundhog day and maybe it's just me and the stage of life I find myself at. I'm 38, married with 2 daughters and I work the average 40-50 hour week day shift. For some reason though I find that due to recent circumstance of the world and its' economic downturn and recession status groundhog day is even more "groundhoggish" than ever before.

Monday to Friday are simply spent chalking down the hours and surviving rather than actually living. The more and more people I talk to about this seem to agree that in 2015 it really is more prevalent than before.
                  With disposable income obliterated and luxuries at a minimum for most we have just become worker drones robotic in our groundhog existence. Of course we get glimpses of happiness or a break from groundhog day every now and then or at the weekend but as sure as a bear (or groundhog for that matter) shits in the woods Monday comes around to put you back in your box where you belong to trudge through another 5 days of repetitive survival boredom. Is it any wonder we take to the bottle or the bed?


For me insomnia in this regard is a positive because at least I get more time than those who sleep comfortably with an easy mind. So with that in mind here is a guide to my groundhog day step by step. All you have to do here really is apply this template to your own groundhog day and see where maybe we can reclaim some time for ourselves.

6.30am I get up roughly unless I'm comfy. I go down and clean up the kitchen and switch on the heating and boil the kettle.
6.45am start to wake the house so that they can all have another half hour in bed (now there's a contradiction).
7.00am leave the maisy the wonder bow wow dog out the back to do the business.
7.15am give all the sleepy heads their 5 minute warning which will last 15-20 mins.
7.30am Physically lift Mia and Ellie out of bed onto big double bed where Mammy is almost crying at having to get up.
7.35am pull the blankets off them and turn on full lights which always has them wandering around into items or falling off bed as they try to get away from the dazzling light.
7.40am. Make Jane a coffee that she wont drink.
7.42am. Put clothes or bags etc. for the day into car along with maisy the wonder bow wow  dog for Nannies house and heat car up for them.
7.45am. Spend the next 20 mins getting Mia dressed. This is only a 3 minute job really but the child is trying to sleep standing up or is trying to dress herself with clothes on wrong way etc.
8.05am. Jane and Ellie Leave for Nannies with over 10 different dolls, teddies and ponies. Ellie has a bigger entourage than Beyoncé. I make Mia's breakfast of either Weetabix or toast or "toastabix" (this is both.)
8.15am walk a fully awake Mia to school where she doesn't even stop to breath with all the talking.
9am. arrive at work to be good worker drone for next 8 hours and work hard "for the man".


6.pm. arrive home to be told I have to go to the shop for X,Y & Z despite the fact that Jane works in town 4 feet away from several shops and passes another 40+ shops on way home.
6.30-8pm battle the kids to get into pajamas clean their teeth feed them or play princess parties while Jane cleans an already clean house.

(Insert stupid running with the donies and running club here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.)

8pm bed time for kids.
9pm sit down finally with Jane who if I am lucky will be awake til 10pm but that's extremely doubtful.
9.30pm wake Jane and dog and help them like 2 Stevie wonders to bed.
10pm get sports news and main news and go to bed to social media heaven or Netflix.

Rinse and repeat repeat this 5 times until Friday and then pretend to have some sort of life for 2 days before crashing back down to earth on Monday again.

That would all be without ever going/doing anything.

Groundhog day eh??

*This blog/post was sponsored by Tuesday....an utterly pointless day of the week*

It's a hard knock life.

*long winded ramble*

I no longer own anything. I never owned much in the first place but I really don't own nor have control of anything anymore. I don't even own my own thoughts. I used to enjoy my chronic insomnia as I felt it was great to be awake. Sleeping was and still is to an extent such a waste of time on this earth. We will sleep enough when we are gone. 

We think we can control our own destiny yet I don't feel that is true. It could all be over in an instant tomorrow and what would we have achieved in our lives? I can only speak for myself I suppose. I control nothing anymore. Nothing is up to me.Those previous hours awake with dreams and plans and hopes for the future have been replaced with insecurity, fear, worry,stress and paranoia.

I'm overwhelmed with the unknown. I'm afraid of fucking everything. I used to be able to close my front door and leave all my cares outside til tomorrow but now they are in. Inside my home and inside my brain. Ever flowing non stop thought. The thoughts never stop coming.

They attack me at every angle with more worry and more stress. Where will it all end up? Will I live for another 3 years or 33 years or will I even live another 3 months? I'm clinging to my sanity.

If the devil appeared to me this minute with a contract of guaranteed life until I was 60 then I'd sign on the dotted line in a nano second. That would mean 100% I'd live another 22 years. I'd take it. I'd see my daughters grow up and hopefully I'd still be married. I could put a plan in place and map out my life for 22 years to come. It would eradicate my fear of not knowing when I was going to die. 

I don't fear death. Not one bit. I fear not knowing when it will come. I feel it lurking always and I'm desperate for more certain time. Will I see Christmas? Will I see 2016 or 2025? If someone else was thinking these things I'd tell them to get a grip and you can only do the 24 hours in front if you so stop worrying. I'd tell them it could be a lot lot worse (and it could be as well).Funny how we can never take our own good advice? Funny how we can never say thanks to ourselves or have pride in ourselves?

So many things I wanted to see and do and now most are probably out of reach or impossible. I'm happy as a pig in shit withy own family and would live in a tent with a banjo and veg soup but what about my family? They are my worry. Who takes care of them when I can't even take care of myself? 

Constant pounding of thought 21 hours a day......It's draining. ...I just want my brain to shut down for 5 mins or even just slow down or to have one instead of a  multiple million thoughts every second of every day.

The search for inner peace continues while I have a hamsandwich at 5 in the morning.

We've got to stand up and be counted!

*long winded ramble*

This one will take a while so either log out or read the God damn blog. I've been thinking about ranting for a while. I never like to be serious or negative if I can help it as I have enough of that every minute of the day from others. At my worst you wouldn't know it as that's just the way I am built. I can be having the most stressful worrying anxious time yet I evolve to an outer body experience for preservation of character and to help others. I've suffered greatly at the hands of many years of poor mental health but this isn't about that.

Recently though I've been feeling all of  my 38 years and 2014 has without doubt seen some of the biggest highs of my life and also the worst lows. I'd say the good V's bad axis is bang on 50/50 so in a way I'm hoping this rant will help at least make it 51% V 49% in favour of positivity. There will be absolutely no structure or flow to the rambling which is about to come. It is just an outpouring of ventilation from the soul. I am a person searching for a meaning as to why I am here. I've always been searching but I now know why I'm here.

I like to help others. I don't do it for recognition I don't do it for reward or anything like that. People always ask me why I go to such lengths to help total strangers etc. but I just like to help. It gives me massive satisfaction to help others no matter what the cost to me personally. I also like to write. I'm not very good at it but I do like it and I'm going to do more of it from now on instead of less.

I'm genuinely concerned about our future and our society and I'm sick of people moaning and moaning and yet doing nothing to try retrieve ourselves from mental and physical oblivion. Our social media and mainstream media drives this Johnny on the spot existence we now live in where we are actually experiencing every thing that happens bad or good as it is actually happening.

Just this last fortnight off the top of my head we had killings in a hostage situation in Australia along with a mother stabbing to death 7 children as well as over 140 people (mostly kids) killed by Taliban in Pakistan. We had killings in domestic abuse this morning in Canada and dreadful stories unfold from Cobh a few days back on top of an air Asia plane crash not to mention ebola or water charges.

It's just a non stop wave after wave of bad news after bad news and hatred after hatred. It seems like nothing will stop the juggernaut of evil anymore and all we do is talk and say "oh that is awful" and move on.

I used to think that it was only because now the world is such a small place and we hear the news faster etc. but it's not. It is simply because ,bad people, evil and hatred are now starting to triumph. They really are. We are all too busy trying to claw at everyday survival to do anything about it. We don't care anymore. We say we do but we don't. We do nothing or very little. We have given up in our own little bubble worlds afraid to put our necks above the water.

We need to correct this balance and we need to do it soon. As the quote says "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing".  Martin Luther king said; "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it really is cooperating with it."

No need for anyone to start going on the street attacking bad people or no need to sign up for the army yet as the problem needs to start right at the very core of good peoples character, design and beliefs. 

To redress the balance in favour of good over evil we start at the very start again and not just jump in the middle or top end of the problem. Just like the smallies learn to plant a small sunflower seed in school, water it and watch it grow, we as a society need to plant our own sunflower seed of good.

Forget banks, politicians and corrupt governments as they have failed us over and over and the systems they have prevent any good politicians from affecting real change. Forget they even exist for now. Just start planting good seeds wherever you go. Here is just a few things anyone can do instead of moaning and doing nothing and the more people that do this the more good it leads to for all and that sunflower of good will grow and grow.

Before we even get to trying to solve the bigger picture on the national and international scene look closer to home and community. Within the four walls of your own house do a self check. We all have issues in our lives regarding physical health and mental health and we all have bills and daily worries and relationship problems. Let people know this. Talk talk talk til you are blue in the face. Most people not only don't talk but they think the problems they have are confined to just them or another few.You are in fact in the majority and not the minority especially in todays world of financial and social ruin. We are gone privacy mad. Tell people your problems. Let them Help! They will help!

Stop running from any issues you have and instead face them. Stop escaping from them and running to the couch and the wine. Face them and change them. Get up. Do something different. Do absolutely anything but run from your problems and escape them. Suicide and depression are the murder of our government and the scurge of our society. Of that I have no doubt. Just tell anyone even a stranger at a bus stop that you are struggling and I can tell you despite what people say there is a mountain of help there.

Just take that first step to decide you will speak to a family member, friend, doctor or whoever and watch what happens. Watch the relief you get initially and then leave no stone unturned to battle back to strong mental health. The mental health talk is another story and I'll be writing about that soon. This is about regaining the good in the world.

Lets start reclaiming our communities and not accepting anti-social behavior. For those of you that don't get intimidated then challenge people on respecting others. Tell people skipping queues, loitering, littering, making noise or acting the maggot to cop on. Shame them if you have to. Ask people "why are you being negative?". I do it all the time in a respectful manner and it's a great feeling.There is nothing better than telling a bunch of teenagers that are being totally disrespectful to cop themselves on. They don't even know how to handle being challenged 9 times out of 10.

For those that do get intimidated then just help a neighbor or friend with something. Call to an elderly friend you know is struggling or alone. Instill old school beliefs that you have in your own children. Teach them manners and respect. Correct them when they are wrong and correct other children when they are wrong as well and to hell with whoever gets odd with you. Lets get the respect back and not be afraid. If you don't have kids then start making them. lol.

Get involved in your community in any way small or large. Join a group and affect change instead of talking about it. Volunteer somewhere. Be strong in your opinions and beliefs but show respect for others opinion and don't get personal.Never get personal. Take pride in yourself that you are still here battling away and keep pushing that rock up that hill. Keep trying to turn that tide of negative into positive. We can all do this.

Tell people what they mean to you. Don't take those people in your life that you love for granted. Tell them how you feel. Don't be afraid to be the person you want to be. Go outside and exercise. Get fresh air. Meet people! Get their story! See how you can help? Smile! Forget about the evil that is money.

Do not look down or judge people. You don't know their story. There is bad and good in everyone. Acting out that bad or good is also a choice for everyone so choose good and positive over bad and negative. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. Stop holding grudges. Stop gossiping and reading people. Stop worrying about what others think about you. Stop trying to conform with what society wants you to.Just stop doing these things.

Negativity, hatred  hurt and pain spread like a cancer through every crack in the surface of good but if we plants the seeds of positivity and we water those seeds then positivity and good can spread just as easy and it will mushroom up the line to other things.

A good place to start and a good template is to ask yourself if you were to be given one month to live would any of the negative things or troubles in your life matter anymore. My guess is that 99% of them won't so why should they when you are still alive and kicking. We get so little time between work and sleep that it is an enormous waste of time then to spend what little time you have control over by being negative or moaning. In fact do something or just don't fuckin moan.

Anyway that's my rant over. I hope we can all claw back the good in the world because evil is winning hands down these days and while I'm sure there is more good people than bad in the world the bad people are actually doing something and they are motivated by greed and money while we all sit and watch the X-factor.

Be kinder!Be nicer! Be friendly!Be positive!It's not that hard is it?

Happy New Year to all and remember never bring a knife to a gun fight.

Poor old Luis Suarez.....

*long winded ramble*.

I have been more vocal than most this week on the 3rd Luis Suarez biting  incident and I have to say that while I do not have much sympathy for him I was no angel when I played and It's funny to me now as a ref to see the carry on from the other side of the fence.

I was a master at the dark arts and used every trick in the tool box over the years to win which is surprising for someone who was never very competitive. I played for 28 years with 12 of those at senior level.

I will however say that for me spitting,biting, hitting or kicking an opponent (on the ground or when unaware) and racism are beyond the pale and in a different class to violence or harming a player intentionally altogether.

I never once intentionally went out to hurt and opponent in a physical way but obviously down the years ended up in more scraps and 22 man brawls than I can remember.

I feel qualified in the area of spitting having been spat at twice and on one occasion it didn't end very well for the guy that spat at me or his mode of transport and I am un-apologetic to this day for my actions on that day.

I have only one regret from my playing days and that is for fighting with a player on my own team and I wholeheartedly apologise for that. It should never happen. Sorry Regi again.

I'm lucky to have had far more good days than bad days on the pitch and I can honestly say I played with some of the best characters and balm pots you'd ever care to know.I could write a book on the antics and nights out but seeing as I'm defending Luis I'll just make a list of  some of the atrocious,despicable, embarrassing and also proud incidents on the pitch. 

For anyone thinking I'm exaggerating here there are many many witnesses to each and all of these below.

I played in every single outfield position on the pitch and played in goal plenty as well. Good players can play anywhere but it was at left back and centre back I played most often. 

You often hear of me saying diving should be a red card offence and it is because of the HUNDREDS of dives I've taken over the years that I say this as a red card would have stopped me cold.We have all taken a dive. Be honest.I still would. I'd cheat at cards or tiddly winks.

I have pretended to be injured on the pitch many many times usually to get an opponent sent off or mostly to waste time. Poor old Jim Horgan was exhausted from coming on the pitch to me as I lay like a man from platoon screaming in agony all the while winking at some dub to hold out for a win.

I was the worst for doing this in the big intermediate cup games. Sorry dubs and to the guy in particular from home farm who I got sent off in Dublin only for his girlfriend to attack me in the mens toilet.Lol. You were only one of many. I will not even mention who my favourite was to get sent off or drive mad as its not fair. Don't ask me if you don't know. Some of them were all to easy though and I'd have them off by half time.

I was a big game player without doubt and was always at my best from a  playing and Tom Foolery point of view in these games home or away. As far as refs were concerned I was never one for abusing them at all but would try to deceive them in every second of the game and in every way.

Here are some other things I've done down the years:

Stole opponents footballs for our team and wrote our name on them.

Hid or poured out opponents water or hid training cones. 

Hid opponents keys to their dressing room.

Turned off warm water to opponents showers.

Punctured opponents ball off goal post hooks to waste time.

Stayed down as a keeper as the keeper does not have to leave pitch.

pretending to have something in your eye was always a great one as no-one ever questioned that or got angry about that.

Threw away an opponents boot into the bushes after it fell off him causing mayhem.

Kicked away last available ball into a river to hang onto a one nil lead when we should have been 5 down. It was our own ball. That one started a riot.

My left knee used to pop out of it's joint and I could pop it back in like Mel Gibson. My leg would look like it was completely broken at a 30 degree angle and fellas would be nearly getting sick but I would pop it back in with a huge crack and off I'd go again after wasting 10 mins.

Said despicable and awful awful things about direct opponents wives mothers sisters and daughters to provoke reaction. I'd never fail to find a way to get under a fellas skin.

Told a guy who called me an ape that I would find him and eat him and then eat his children and their children (even though they didn't have any children) along with eating everyone from his neighbours to his aunts and uncles. I was in a total spitting rage.This outburst actually stunned all 22 players and a colleague ref into absolute silence including the player who called me an ape. As the silence rang out I then in a low voice said "sorry about that bud".

I have taken advantage of poor refereeing position at corners and free kicks to pull down opponents shorts, stand on his toes, give him a wet willy or pinch him on the arm rendering him useless to affect the game.

Two of many 22 man brawls spring to mind in particular. One glorious 25 minute no holds bars proper scrap with  Rockmount that made papers and radio. I loved every minute of it and wish I could go back in a time machine to it.

On another occasion against Tralee dynamos holding on to a 3-2 lead in extra time in a youth cup quarter Final an opposition fan attacked us with a corner flag. He used it like a spear sparking off scenes you wouldn't see in game of thrones. I remember the glint in cuddles eyes as he took out his false teeth to get stuck in with bomber. Great great times.

I twice famously fell over while tackling and because I couldn't get back to my feet I decided to make last ditch tackles with my head taking the full force of ball and shot to the head. Colin Yelverton reminded me of this last week and inspired this blog along with Luis.

I could go on and on and on and probably will. Lol. So embarrassing now looking back. I'd say there wasn't a single game I played in where I didn't employ these tactics. I'm so so sorry but just like Luis I was off me trolley as a young fella.

I should get a life time ban.

Week in review #1

*Long winded ramble*

In a week that has finished with Jimmy Magee reminding me why I never watch the late late I decided even though I have no time I'd start writing the blog again as it allows me to escape the harsh realty of Groundhog Day even if the subject is normally just that. I've literally loads of stuff but I'm very lazy.

I've been exceptionally busy in a new position in work. Not sure how I feel about it but I haven't cried yet so that's a start. I have finally made my peace with exercise and now look forward to jogging with the craziness that is the wibbly wobbly wonders. It's insane the good will you feel at it and something you have to experience to understand. Everyone just forgets their troubles for an hour.If only you could bottle or and sell it.

This household has been very sick this week between flu and "chickenpops" as Mia calls them. I've been pushed to the max and my limit by my 3 girls this week but apart from running out of washing powder I'd win housewife of the year without doubt.

I'm going to keep it short for once but a special mention to my good friend Stephen Jordan who kept my secret this week when he could have destroyed me. He only didn't because he is a gent and knows it's pointless trying to shame me.

On Wednesday I brought a full bag of recycling to work with me. I was supposed to put it in the bin outside my front door but brought it to work in the car and then to my desk. It was only when someone smelt chip papers that I copped it. 

Later after work I went for a run with a 10 k work group and as I was late I changed  by the side of the pitch in a hurry. I didn't realise until I got home that I had left my runners and a pair of my Dunnes stores finest jocks pitch side so rang my local connection Stephie J to get my stuff. 

He got my runners but there was no way he was touching my jocks. Now if it was me I'd have destroyed him in work for days but to his eternal credit he said nothing out of pity for me and knowing it was pointless. I like to think my jocks are flowing in the wind in the lower harbour area finally at peace with the world and their new found freedom. 

Other highlights this week have been a good increase in the drying and long evenings and a lovely evening match in the sun in Kinsale where once again i was enjoying the match so much I forgot I was the ref. This is of course problematic when you forget to blow the whistle after a fella is almost murdered 3 feet away.

On the negative front Mia has developed a hilarious routine where she asks me for a drink or food and follows it up with "chop chop daddy". This has proved popular now with Ellie as well and Jane so now most demands are followed with "chop chop". It has stripped me of any dignity I had left.Mis also lost a front tooth and is now the spitting image and bulb off her granda Jim.

I'm off now because its Friday night and I have a dishwasher to fill. I'm living the dream. I have to rest before the breakfast rush in the morning. I've been strengthening my toast buttering hand this week with some weights. Mind yourselves lads and roll with the punches. Go hard or go home!!!!

Love and Marriage.......together.

*Long winded ramble*

As I sit here on xmas eve I'm excited about xmas of course but I'm even more excited about my ickle sister in law to be Aimee getting married on the 27th to my very good friend Johnny "the dreamboat"Cooney. I will post this blog some time on the eve of your wedding to let you know what I think of ye and offer my own advice on love and marriage. 

All I can say Aimee about Jonathan (I use full names when I'm serious)is that you have found someone who will look after you,who loves you dearly has a heart and a soul of gold and wouldn't hurt a fly so please try not to take that for granted and not hurt it particularly on bingo night.

He is undoubtedly an awful pity and half a women but who doesn't love a pity?

I consider him an extremly good friend and now he is family even though he was already anyway.He would do anything for anyone and especially for you. What you see is what you get and he hasn't a bad bone in his body.That is a rare quality in anyone. He has an honest big heart. Be careful with it. 

Jonathan where would I start with Aimee?I know her 11+ years since she was a cranky teenager who I paid to do my ironing but she is the only little sister I have ever had as my own sister is older so to me she was always my only little sister.I love her dearly and have always looked after her more than any of my other sister in laws.She has got some sneaky 20 euros down the years.

We both know that Bennett's are unique in more ways than one but one thing you could never accuse Aimee of is of being anything other than extremly kind,caring,loving and so beyond generous it is ridiculous.She also has a heart of pure gold.

Obviously she is beautiful looking and Aimee's good points simply blow any of her bad points out of the way. When I see they way she is with my two daughters I get beyond emotional to know that my children will always have her and now you in their life no matter what ever happens to me or us.

I don't think Catherine or my favourite  Bennett Liz or even Aunty William will disagree or mind when I say that Aimee is the favourite Aunt. I am so gateful for that and I don't take that for granted for one second. They cherish the ground Aimee walks on and I know you do as well even though you are a moan bag.

Obviously as much as I love you Jonathan I will however have to issue the obligatory double leg breaking warning if you were to in any way harm hurt or break Aimees heart. That goes without saying.Try scoring goals for Glenthorn  when you have 2 legs like forrest gump.Some people would say you actually run like him a bit anyway with your duck ass. 

As for advice I can offer you on marriage well it's very limited. I'm not religious (sorry Mam) despite getting married in a church myself but before I got marrried I took time to think what I wanted and therefore took the vows I made at the alter very very serious (and I'm not a serious person at all as you know).I also took them for the long haul.Those vows are what I go back to if we are having a bad patch/day. Marriage isn't always easy of course and is filled with a roller coaster of all sorts of emotion and highs and lows and that's why for me anyway it's important to remember you signed up for this and you signed up to it for life. 

There will be all sorts of problems/obstacles put in your way like stress or finacial worry or just having a bad day at the office.There will be days where you are sick of it all and wish you could be 20 again with nothing but a weekend of partying and hangovers to be responsible for but that's when you need to remember what you signed up for most. 

All those bad days or days where there may be an argument are nothing at all though compared to the deep love you have for each other. They are nothing compared to a hug or a kiss for no reason. They are nothing compared to coming home and just bursting to get in the front door to relax with your soulmate and be in their company. 

Remind yourself of this and remind each other of it often and do not forget to do it and do not take the smallest things for granted. This life is too short for silly arguments and do not let resentment or hatred into your house at any stage or in any way.Talk things through and sort out problems and don't let them crack your love. Love does and should always conquer all. 

Be there for each other and pull each other through any bad times your other half may be going through. Be there for each other always. 

I called this post "Love and marriage....... together" and it's the together part that I subscribe to most. Look across the alter to each other tomorrow and know ye are doing this together as two people.I asked myself before I got married could I and would I want to be sitting next to Jane in 50 years time and still be happy and the answer was simply and unequivocally yes. 

I hope ye laugh together. I hope ye cry together. I hope ye are sad together. I hope ye love together.I hope ye hate together. I hope ye care together. I hope ye cherish together.I hope ye are friends together I hope ye have fun together.I hope ye have many many many years TOGETHER. I can't offer you any more advice at all and all that is left for me to do is wish two people I love so dearly all the best for the big day and especially in life from Jane,your adopted daughters Mia and Eliie and myself.Don't forget to enjoy the day for gods sake. Nothing matters only sharing the day with family and friends and no matter what goes right or wrong on the day you will be surrounded by them all day. 

There isn't a meal,band,dj or mishap bad enough that can take away the fact you are getting married with all of us around. Thats all that matters. Take it all in. Every minute.

You always here me say that you have to grab everyday that you can that is good as no matter what life will 200% give you bad days so enjoy this day to the full and the next few weeks in particular.

R.I.P. snappy and spotty

*long winded ramble*

I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the recent passing of the only other males in this house which were our goldfish spotty and snappy. l went away for one weekend on a stag to return to be told that the two lads were "sleeping with the fishes". 

Since the day they were brought home they were fed twice by the children and then of course for the following 12 months I had to feed them. Goldfish are for life and not just for Xmas people.

In this mad house of women the 2 lads were always there for me in the corner of the kitchen always listening to me and never judging me and they always give me encouragement to keep going and never give up as I buttered round after round of toast and filled the dishwasher etc etc. I laughed and cried with them and I miss them terrible.

The 2 lads always loved oldies and Irish in particular on Sunday mornings with me and even Derry O Callaghan read out a text I sent one Sunday for me and the lads.

Snappy was the quiet one while spotty to be honest was a bit thick but you had to love him. He could swim away happy out for hours and hide in the castle from snappy. They were happy fish and never a bother to anyone.

When I pass that empty tank I well up and think of the good times at 3am just checking in with the lads and they always listened. No problem was to big or 2 small for them and they would blow a few bubbles of laughter when I'd tell them a joke.

I was going to involve the Gardai as I believe they may have been starved on purpose as our pet history isn't good. We had 2 kittens called Alfie and George and they never worked out. Alfie had a nervous disposition and ran away. Poor fecker was ruined with nerves and then our neighbours catknapped George who we rarely see now apart from when he kills a rat.

To think my gang here want a dog is frightening. They couldn't even feed poor snappy and spotty for a few days.I like to think that snappy and spotty are now in pet heaven with lassie and shergar having the lols and smoking cigars and playing poker or bingo laughing it up.

I took snappy and spotty down to the trees in the back garden to bury them and I played their favourite Diana Ross album to send them off and scattered what was left of the fish food over them.I thought the girls might be upset when they found out but Mia just said we can get more and not to be sad while Ellie the super thug just roared at me to get milk.I'll see ye on the other side my fishy friends.

Rest in peace spotty and snappy.

Parental Control Setting Pt. 2.

*long winded ramble* 

Well in part one we learned that Kids are essentially small idiot versions of yourself so here are a few more of my top tips to dealing with the mini-me muppets.We covered subjects like brain washing,emergency nappies,toy recycling and disraction techniques in part one and tonight I will touch on subjects like car etiquette,bribery/decision making,reverse psychology,playing dead and a few more. 

7.Bribery/decision making.This will obviously be a natural trick that parents have used for hundreds of years. You want the Child to do something but it won't do it so you bribe it with sweets or give it a choice to make.However I find parents only use this very sparingly when things are getting out of hand and they are under pressure.I use it for everything and use it every 5 minutes.

If Mia wants to stay up another 5 minutes then she gets no bed time story. If Mia wants to go to the playground then she better clean up the toys. This works for my poor soft hearted Mia very well and she understands the concept of bribery/decision making. However Ellie the super thug baby will simply have none of this bribery nonsense. If Ellie wants to stay up for 5 Mins then she is staying up I can tell you. If Ellie wants to go to the playground then you are going to the playground or suffer the worst earth shattering ,teeth grinding,exorcism scream and sturn face you have ever seen. Moral of the story here is Mia is a big wuss idiot softy like her dad and Ellie is (how do i put this)like her wildchild Mam. 

8.Cars can be very difficult for parents and there can be a lot of hassle in the car so get your car etiquette right. Always give them something to do or eat or drink in the car to start with. Make sure any food or drink they get are the exact same as if one child has something different to the other child then you know full well one child will want what the other has. This is your fault and not the childs. You are an idiot. 

If child A has a broken glass full of razor blades that is on fire then child B is going to want it regardless. Remember, they are also idiots. Always answer the Queations no matter how many times they ask. If you fawn them off with "I'm driving sweetheart so stop asking me questions" then they will be crying in minutes and kicking the seat and each other etc. and driving you nuts. I once answered 62 straight questions from Mia until she was a dribbling wreck and her brain had melted. 

Play "I spy" but give them something they will never ever guess. They keep asking is it this or that and all you have to do is say no over and over and enjoy the radio. Even if they guess it say no.!When they do get really irritated then pull out the big guns and promise them something huge that you were probably going to do or give them anyway. 

An example of this is to make a big huge circus type fuss,get all hyper and say in a dopey loud voice "who wants to go to the playground?". The dopes will instantly forget why they wanted to kill each other and be giggling like fools but you were going anyway so the joke is on them. If it gets very very bad then pull over but say nothing. Look out the window and sit there in silence. They dont know how to cope with that at all. It will take up to 5 minutes and they will be roaring crying and asking why you are stopped etc. but you will be amazed at how quick they stop crying because they have seen a butterfly or a dog out the window. 

I know im repeating myself but never forget they are idiots.Another good one if they are tense and narky is to roar "there is nanny over there" and point and then they forget what was going on while they look for fake nanny. 

The simple thing to remember for any car journey short or long is to start out well. Be on time and allow for the fact that they are stupid small people. For example if you need to be at dancing or football at 5.30 pm and the drive takes 10 minutes then 5.15 is not enough time to get them into the car unless you want world war III. You know full well the dopes wander aroound like people on LSD most of the time so at 4.45 you need to start telling them you will be leaving shortly. 

They will need 5-10 minutes to stop playing whatever they are playing.Its now 4.55 and you think you have loads of time but its going to take another ten minutes to get starskey and hutch into coats or jumpers etc. Make them go to the toilet also at gunpoint if neccessary. It's now 5.05pm an out to the car you go.Then it's another ten minutes to get them into car seats as they jump around thinking the car is brilliant and dad cant catch us. 

Eventually you get going for 5.15 the time you originally thought was alright to leave. If you do try leave at that time then you should expect WWIII and it would be your own fault. 

8.Reverse physcholgy is self explanatory as well and a very handy technique that works very well with decision making and bribery.Simple examples are: "I would love to go upstairs to make a camp but we can't as we have to put all these toys away and get into our pj's first and i cant be bothered". My girls turn into Usain Bolt if you pull this trick. You can also say "Its an awful pity ye didn't finish dinner and that ye won't stop moaning because I was going to call over to Aunty Aimee's for a cup of tea". For safety reasons you would want to actually get out of the way after saying that one because it's like a stampede then to get to the car with beans on toast everywhere. 

9.Playing dead! This one is much the same as pulling over the car. If you are all out of tricks and they are driving you spare and nothing seems to work then I'll always have playing dead in my pocket and it never fails for me but then again not everyone can managhe to block out the pain and noise of screaming or fighting kids. 

If it's all too much and you can feel the pulmonary embolism starting then just lay down where you are either on your back or on your front and literally go to another place and completely detach and withdraw. It's amazing there. Nine times out of ten if i use this im normally singing "heal the world" by wacko jacko as its just perfect for the occasion. If you sing a little bit of it there in your head you will see what I mean.

Take the 5 mins out on the floor and if they still havent come around then it's time to get a grip and show them who is boss. Drop kicks,judo chops and headlocks are all acceptable at this stage but go with bulging eyes and big deep breaths before the physical stuff as that will hold up better in court. 

10. General tips! This last one is just a few short tricks that most of you know but I like them and use them a lot. Play hide and go seek with them but obvioulsy don't find them at all around the house. You can get 4-5 mins a time watching the sports news with that one but you have to constantly shout,"I wonder where ye are?" about every 30 seconds. When they say it's your turn to hide you can say "I'm too big to hide so ye go again" and off they will trot again. 

Play hot and cold as well.Same idea! Tell them you have hidden a toy in the room and they have to find it and you say hotter/colder etc. Really hide the fecking thing like so the dummies cant find it.Just as they are about to get bored 7 or 8 minutes later show them where it is and tell them they did a great job finding it and clap very loud. Even though they didnt find it they are delighted enough to play again while you get another ten minutes of flicking through the channels (unless jane is around like). 

Building  camps is number one for getting 20 minute off.Pile the cushions and throws etc. up and build a small two bed apartment out of it and they will sit in it twiddling their thumbs like dumb and dumber for half an hour and leave you in peace. 

I'll leave it at that folks. All or none of this may or may not have happened. This is a disclaimer. Terms and conditions apply. No children were harmed in the making of this blog.Not physically anyway! 

On a serious note all kids want is your time. It's more precious than any one thing you can give them and far more valuable. It's also irreplaceable so everytime you chose to do something else over spending time with them is time you can never get back.One day they will grow and leave. Then again maybe that's heaven for some people.

We spend the first 3 years of our children's lives wishing they would walk and talk and we spend the next 10-15 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Heal the world..... Make it a better place...for you and fore me and the entire  human race.....

Parental Control Settings Pt 1.

*Long winded ramble* 

I'm not an expert on any subject and certainly not on how to be a good parent. I would never ever criticise the rules,regulations or controls another parent puts on their children and with that in mind I beg of you not to take my parental advice and tips to the gardai or the social services as I'm quite sure some of what I am about to tell you is illegal or at the very least cruel to children. 

All I know about children and their care is to keep them warm,keep them fed,keep them safe and keep them happy. The rest I'm afraid is a load of bullshit until they can learn for themselves but as i said if you want to read 50 books, feed your child wheatgrass or do what your mother,sister or uncle buck does then thats fine by me. I have 2 girls who I would (and probably will in 15 years)die for. My eldest disappointment is 4.75 years old and my youngest disappointment is 3 next week.

It's not possible for me to even attempt to tell you what to do with a moany 8 or 9 year old or a teenager as I don't have one so I'm only offering survival advice to anyone with kids my age and in particular girls. Im a child myself with the mental capacity of a 4 year old so I like to think I know what the fuckers are thinking.I've been around longer then them and have a lot of experience as a 4/5 year old myself.

The main advantage I have over dumb and dumber is my patience.I've got it in spades despite being a noisy and annoying fecker as most of you know. I can count on 2 fingers the amount of times the kids have gotten into my mind and won the battle of wits causing me to lose it. If I lose it then they have won and in my eyes the fuckers should never ever win.The shouting and roaring is done by Mammy as she takes over the world with her hoover and cleaning rag. Thats another days work though.

You've got to know your enemy so here are my top tips for those daily situations you come across in the warzone and the battle of kids v parents. 

1. Always remember you signed up for kids and there is no receipt for them. They can't be sent back to amazon so shut your moaning about being tired and being sick of them and that you need a rest or a break.Snap out of your buzz and get on with it. It's their world and you only live in it.Your life as you know it is over. Tough!  

2. Always have a spare emergency nappy and always have some emergency wipes. When you buy them in the shop go home and place 2 nappies and some wipes in a different cupoborad so when they take a "barry white" at 11pm at night you are not left without a nappy. You should also do this with toilet roll for the adults as there is nothing worse than having a white knuckler at 7am and no toilet roll. This way you can shuffle to the cupboard for the emergency one that you hid. 

3. Brain wash the dopes!They are essentially small idiot versions of yourself and are open to brain washing especially when they can't read or write or tell the time. An example of this is I always tell Mia and Ellie from 5pm on that it's time for bed. They immediately say; "no dad we want to stay up for another 5 minutes".What you then do is tell them every 5 minutes up until 7pm (real bedtime) that its bedtime until such time as the Brain washing kicks in and their tiny little pea brains snap and they go to bed thinking they have gotten away with it when in actual fact you broke their brain. You can also pretend it's any day of the week you want as they havent a clue about time or days of the week.

4. Recycle the toys and programmes. If you need a breather from playing stupid ass fairy games then get out a bag of toys they haven't seen in a few months. Even if the toys are broken it won't matter. When the new (old) toys fall onto the ground I can personally guarantee they will flock to them like dribbling zombies to check them out leaving you free to have a coffee.This also works with the tv. Put on an episode of soemthing they have never seen before or a new film etc when it's tv time and they zone out and almost try climb into the tv to get to that magical mickey mouse land like 2 hippes on acid. The tv trick also works with Jane.

5.When they are sitting still or playing quietly dont disturb them. Even if there is an imminent gas explosion or ye are due at the airport for a flight do not disturb them. I don't care if the dinner is up or its bath time or they need life saving treatment for a gaping head wound. What kind of idiot parent makes either eye,visual or voice contact with a quietly playing child.Just sit there and enjoy the break and don't speak to them because  as soon as you disturb the losers you will be asked for a drink or something to eat or in my case within seconds you will be having make up applied or playing dollies for the thousandth time. If you are out of the room while they are playing quietly then stay out of it and out of sight. I have often gone out our front door and around to the back door to get to the kitchen rather than letting them see me pass the door and disturb them.If it's raining then I crawl passed the door.

6. Learn what distraction techniques work best for your kids. I find that mine don't tend to bug me if I'm on the phone talking so if you are 45 mins into a puzzle and drawing session then make a fake phone call and talk loud and leave the room. This will buy you at least 15 mins peace and quiet. Another good one is to just get up off the ground from the princess picnic party in a panic and pretend there's is an emergency. They get stunned and speechless by this as if you had tasered them. Again this will get you out of the room for 20 mins to recover. I used to pretend I had hurt my leg or my hand but the freaks copped this and it only led to a game of doctor and i'd get a full examination south Doc style for half an hour.

I've got to go for now as the girls need me to play daddy mountain which is a game where I lie against the couch and they take it in their turns to walk along my legs and up my stomach and chest before eventually standing on my head and shoulders to jump onto the couch declaring they have climbed the daddy mountain. Mia is not to bad but Ellie the thug is rough as a badgers arse and gives you the odd kick or punch in the mouth on the way up. At least when we play this I can watch the sports news in the background as I get pummelled.

Stay tuned for part 2 of my parenting tips where we deal with bribery, bedtime and car etiquette.

Remember kids are muppets but they are your muppets. 

Mickey Mouse part 2

*long winded ramble*

.....I awake at 4am on Sunday morning on the couch with half a take away on the ground (not a good idea with a mouse around) and empty beer cans everywhere. I check my traps in the kitchen and the bait is gone again with no mouse. The hall and front room traps are still in place but bait is not gone. I decide to leave kitchen traps and put lashes of talc down and see where he goes next again. It's 5 am so I go to bed for a bit thinking this mouse does not know who he is messing with.

I sleep for an hour and when I open my eyes the stark reality hits me, my wife and children have left me over the mouse. This mouse has ruined my life and my family. I go downstairs and at least there is progress. There are clear tracks now out around the kitchen and back under the kitchen unit in the corner. That's where the little shit is laughing at me with his gringos all living it up on bacon and peanut butter.

I clean up the cans and I eat the rest of the take away for breakfast (I know I know) and even though Jane isn't here I hear a haunting voice in the background telling me to Hoover. I try not to but I know if I don't Hoover she will sense it in her mothers and get out her voodoo doll and stick pins in me.

Up to super valu I go and then I sit and have a nice few hours watching all sorts on the tv while reading the papers and drinking tea and listening in to oldies and Irish. Still no sign of a trap snapping.The pressure is mounting. I decide he won't come out with me in the house and head to the pub at 1 for a few scoops.

The story is going around the pub like wildfire about mickey and everyone has an opinion. One fella does the scene from jaws where yer man goes " I'll catch your mouse" and another says "we need a bigger trap". It's all good fun but I'm starting to get really worried now that the family are gone for good. 

I go home steamboats and check the traps at around 5 and no joy. I ring Jane and the girls to say come home as this is ridiculous. I'm told it is indeed ridiculous that I can't catch a mouse and that i definitely won't catch him in the pub despite it being part of the plan. Is it not ridiculous to be afraid of a mouse I ask? 

My manhood which is non existent anyway living with 3 sweat shop bosses is now totally gone. Even mickey mouse is more of a man than me! I cry for a bit and then have a good talking to myself. I bait up and put 600 traps,an f-16 fighter jet and the 4th battalion on guard for the night and watch the golf. Maybe mickey is just like me?Maybe he's not so bad?

Monday morning and the bait is gone again so now I know I have a huge decision to make. Do I continue down this route and only see my family at Xmas or do I lie to Jane.Work on  Monday morning is taken up with major mouse discussion. Psychologically at this point I'm close to breaking but on a vote of 6-2 the lads think its best i lie if the mouse isn't dead when i get home.

With the sweat pouring out of me and prayers offered to every religious god that ever existed I go in home to find that mickey had escaped the grim reeper yet again and had consumed another lash of chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe he will get too fat to walk? Not a bad tactic maybe? I sit there staring into space for 30 mins before ringing Jane with an Oscar winning performance telling her I was once again a man and she should never have doubted me. She is thrilled and says she will be home ASAP.

If I thought I would get relief I was mistaken. I have a shower before the Brady bunch arrive home but I am consumed by this dirty lie and all I can hear is the crying game song in my head as I try to scrub this dirty lie away in the shower. What will happen if Micky pops out?I haven't seen him since day one at ground zero but he is there smirking under the sink with a big peanut butter moustache.

Everyday for weeks and months I live this lie now of checking traps and putting more and more devices down to trap him. If the gardai raided the house and saw all the gear they would think they had found a sordid sex dungeon. I'm able to tell Jane I'm leaving them down in case we get more so my lie us in tact. 

We get 50 euros worth of those sonar yokeybobs and plug them in but Mickey Mouse is immune.He keeps getting the grub from the traps. Xmas day comes and goes with me worrying every second of the day he will pop out. 

By the end January  I had given up. Myself and mickey had a new arrangement, If he stayed out of sight I'd keep feeding him and we would live our lives separate. We became friends and mickey had Stockholm syndrome. I now prayed that mickey wouldn't be in the trap in the morning as I didn't want him to die. I felt huge respect for Micky. He had overcome the odds and the cats out the Back to survive.

Then it happened! Like a bolt out of the blue in march.We went away for a weekend and mickey had no food. We arrived back and that night from nowhere out he popped. This time Jane screamed so loud that she broke the sound barrier. before her scream finished she was gone like a usain bolt.

We were back to square one. I got mangled for the months of lies but didn't care. I was relieved that the lie was over. This time Jane would need photographic evidence. My heart was Broken that my good friend (probably the greatest friend I've ever had) was going to be no more.

The old traps had never worked so I went to Callaghans garage for poison and the famous mr C asked if I needed help.I told him how traps weren't working and he asked which traps I had? He said my traps were too big for the mouse and not sensitive enough. He gave me a trap for 50 cent that was barley held together. He told me there was no charge and that if the mouse wasn't caught in half an hour he'd catch it for me. I laughed in my mind  saying he doesn't know mickey like I do.

I go home and I can hardly set the trap with the sadness and I still hope mickey will win. I put it in place. I walk to the front  door heading for a curer.The trap isn't set 50 seconds and I hear it snap but think its just gone off as it had done trying to set it. I go back and look. I fall to my knees and hold my head. My friend, my comrade and the only other male in the house lay in the trap with his head burst open. 

Im devastated! I can't believe  it. I'm a murderer. I'm a sell out. I'm soulless. Why did this have to be they way it was? I take a picture and send it to cruella deville. I'll never be the same again. I sit with mickey as he takes his last breath. I pour a beer and take half an hour to gather my thoughts. I ring cruella and the gimps and tell them it's done.

sometimes as i lay awake in the night I think of mickey. I hope he is happy. I hope he is at peace, I hope he is not alone , I hope.......,,

Will the real Mickey Mouse please stand up. Part 1 of 2.

*long winded ramble*

Did I ever tell you the one about the real Mickey Mouse in our house?

Well it was about 2 years ago now on that fateful cold wintery Friday night when terror in the form of a little field mouse came to visit our calm peaceful house.

Ellie who was only a pup at the time was asleep in her rocking chair and Mia was sound asleep in our bed. It was one of those horrible blustery winter nights that called for a drink and some munchies and a DVD. I was busy as usual rubbing Janes feet and waiting on her hand and foot (literally).We were watching some god awful cop show for the thousand time when I felt Janes legs go solid stiff. She was frozen in pure terror and couldn't scream and covered her face before telling me there was a mouse by the chair. 

I had a look and sure as god the real life Mickey Mouse was peering up at the tv happy as a day is long. He obviously hadn't seen this episode of CSI. Now I panic as well initially in these circumstances until I realise I'm 35 years old and should really have a bottle of cop the fuck on. As I step down the fucker bolts behind the tv.

Jane is now in full stroke and heart attack  mode so I commence CPR on her and clear the foam from her mouth and get her out of the room to safety upstairs away from this vicious killer. I return to find at least the mouse hasn't killed the sleeping beauty Ellie in her chair. Thank god for that! I poke around looking for the mouse but at 11pm on a Friday I'm not overly motivated knowing what will happen next.All four of us stay in the bedroom that night with the door locked and me with the baseball bat to protect my family from imminent death.

Jane obviously couldn't sleep with the trauma and had to be escorted to the toilet and back when needed. She informs me of the survival plan which is basically she is going to go to her mams until I catch the mouse. Going to their mams is the automatic default for any Bennett so this is no shock.

I load up the car at 7am on a Saturday morning and wave them goodbye and start to design my plan to get rid of Mickey. I spend a few hours trying to locate him and see if I can get rid of him without killing him but I realise he is going to have to die. I hate this but draw inspiration from films like Rambo,commando, predator and even caretaker willie in the Simpsons. I need weapons!What would chuck Norris do?

I head to Atlantic homecare and buy an arsenal of traps and sticky paper devices and lay them all out with every type of bait you can think of from peanut butter and chocolate to rashers and jam. At least Mickey will die happy! I spread talcum powder all over the floor to see where the fucker is coming from. Several experts like Johnny the dreamboat and my dad call and we turn the place upside down but Mickey is nowhere to be seen all the while laughing from the shadows.It's like mission impossible at this stage.

I send everyone away and sit there quietly in the house sharpening my hunting knife waiting for the battle. I slow my breathing like a sniper and I wait and wait and wait. No tv on or no food have I eaten for the day. Mickey never shows.This is no ordinary mouse. It's on like donkey kong i tell him. He better be ready.

I go to the Bennett's house to see my children and to inform general Jane Dowling that there is no luck in the trenches with the hunt. She informs me she will not return to the house while Micky roams free and I am destined to spend the night at home.She tells me i will receive a dishonourable discharge if I fail. I pack clothes and necessities for them and bring them to her and I head back to the battle. When I check the traps at home I find the bait gone and no smell of a kill. He is toying with me now.

I decide to make the best of a bad situation and go for a few pints and get a Chinese and watch match of the day in my jocks with no women on my back at least. I briefly toy with the idea of divorce and myself and Mickey living the high life in the house with poker nights and strippers and super sports Sundays but I realise I'd be dead in a week from substance abuse face down in my own vomit.He is trying to get inside my head.The evening is enjoyable but tomorrow Michael mouse must die....... 

Stayed tuned for part two of this epic tale of man versus mouse as its far from over......

The Traveller, Depeche Mode and the snickers.

*long winded ramble*

So one night a few years back myself and my long suffering wife were in town for a night out. It was a rare occasion where I wasn't on the beer but the wife was so I was driving.I have to fill the boredom of no beer always with messing but it had been a slow night. 

About 2am I pile Sheila Joyce into the car to go home and she is happy out singing "you're so vain" by Carly Simon (bless her little cotton socks). She decides she needs chips and I get a handy parking spot by hillbillies on McCurtain street and in she goes to get her chips while I wait with the hazards on. 

While I am waiting there is a knock on the  window and low and behold it's a traveller looking first for a light for a fag and then to know was I going up towards St. Luke's as the hackneys were "fierce busy boss".

I was just about to tell him sod off when I thought of the look on my wife's face if she returned to find yer man in the car. About a week earlier at an underage match  two young travellers were ruining the game and nobody was having an luck clearing them.I offered them 2 euro to go away to the shop and told them they had to fight for it. I wasn't serious but the 11 year old smokey flattened the 8 year old with a punch as soon as the words left my mouth and they left for the shop.I felt very guilty about this and so I felt I'd drop this fella home to redress the balance.

Jane returns to the car to me trying to control my laughter and Billy Bob  in the back smiling away but banned from smoking. He had the fag behind the ear and asks Jane for a chip.She never responded and looked straight out the window. I know I'm dead later but it's just too funny.

At St. Luke's I ask Billy Bob where he is living and he says up another bit. I ask him does he mean Ellis's yard and he says "yes Bigman, thanks Bigman, I won't forget you Bigman.". I turn up the radio and Saturday night by Wigfield is on some channel and Billy Bob tells me he knows all the moves to that one. Poor Jane is ready to gawk as usual from the travelling more than the traveller.

I pull up outside Ellis's yard and Billy Bob asks for a light again but I tell him  the cigarette lighter isn't working. He steps out of the car and it just dawns on me that a new Depeche Mode double CD I bought was on the back seat of the car.

I glance back and notice it's missing and see Billy Bob crossing the road putting it into his jacket.I roll down the window and say: " Where do you think you're going with the CD buddy?". Billy says: "I have no CD bigman". I open the door and step out and call Billy. I tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does not return the CD that I will take it off him and feed it to him. I use a number of other terrible threats (apologise to the wife once more) and Billy Bob realises that I may indeed end up feeding him the CD and decides he was only messing about (seeing as I threatened to burn his house to the axel.)

As Billy Bob is returning the CD and laughing a bit nervously I notice he has a snickers bar sticking out of his top shirt pocket. For some reason (and to this day I dont know why) I tell him I'm taking his snickers by way of compensation for trying to steal from me. He looks on in shock as I take the snickers from him and open it and start to eat it as I get into the car.

I'm awaiting an ear full as I speed off with the poor chap in the rear view mirror but Jane is frozen in shock at the goings on and has lost her tongue.I often think when I hear Depeche Mode of Billy and how he is getting on.I imagine him and his family in the caravan stuck with just Wigfield and Saturday Night dancing around like Graham Norton in that Fr. Ted caravan scene. I feel guilty that I took back the CD as they could all be rocking to Personal Jesus or Master and Servant on the cold winter nights.

Thats the Story of  Traveller, Depeche Mode and the snickers.......

*sorry again Jane.

The God Damn bins.

*long winded ramble*

As requested. An oldie but a goldie.

That moment when you get to bed and realise that you forgot to put the refuse bin out. You lie there thinking somehow it will solve itself and by magic the bin will put itself out dynamo style. You then toy with the Idea that maybe you could survive another fortnight without putting it out. How much is in the bin?How many shitty nappies will Ellie produce in the next fortnight? There is about 5-6 inches of space at the top but will it be enough for 14 days of rubbish again?You still lie there uncontrollably crying and sucking your thumb and hoping your mam might come and rub your face. 

I could easily put it out in the morning as I don't sleep but I know I'll be listening to music when country clean roll up at 6 am. Fuck you country clean you have ruined my life! Maybe 1,000,000 million likes on Facebook will put the fuckin bin out.

Then there is the pain of trying to remember which stupid bin is going out? Obviously they sent me a schedule but its in that drawer that everyone has that is full to the brim of broken pens sellotape and old bits and pieces that you thought you needed to keep. You could go down and search for it but sure then you may as well put out the bin.The shit drawer maybe worth more hassle to you anyway as by now there is almost certainly a family or mice or worse living in there.I wish someone would set fire to that drawer.

I need to go to the toilet now anyway so I may as well put out the bin. Next I decide that there is no need to get dressed as I'm up now and it will only take me 2 mins. I do my number ones and go to the garage and haul the bin to the door. I have an electronic garage door which as a norry I am very very proud of. They said i'd amount to nothing being an idiot yet I have an electronic garage door with a remote control.

As always I put the door up and down a few times as the novelty of having the electronic door never ceases to amaze me.I'm like feckin Mr. Bean standing there in my shorts and barefoot watching the door. Even a NASA space shuttle launch doesn't get me as excited as the door.I focus on the job at hand. I lug the bin up my long drive which is steeper that Patricks hill. It's heavy this week and the smell off it is empty reach invoking. I put it in place and head back down the drive.
                                    
Its about 3am and drizzly so I hurry and then just like that scene in platoon where William Dafoe is running for the chopper and gets milled down with bullets it happens to me as well. I can hear adagio for strings playing in my head as I step barefoot on a medium sized sharpish stone which takes me out like a sniper. I fall in slow motion to the ground just like defoe and again I'm uncontrolavbly crying.Maybe someone will call a nee naw (ambulance) for me. "WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY  MEEEEEEEEEE" I shout but nobody cares or is listening. I'm bawling like a two year old again all over the god damn bins.
                                                                       
I hobble inside with a tug in my heart sobbing and asking myself is this what my life is now? Living in fear of the bins every week? There are so many questions! Which bin is going out? Will they ever collect the red bin? When are we getting the new brown bin and what goes in it? I can't do this anymore. I need a bin counsellor and many many sessions.
                                                                                                         
I limp upstairs and throw myself on the bed.I see my life flash before me. Maybe I'm dying from this bin related injury. At least my battle is over for another week but the war still rages on. Ill hear the bin lads empty that damn bin at 6 and then I have a few days before bin fear kicks in again.I start to relax. I start to calm down.

Then as I'm snug as a bug in a rug I go into pure and utter heartattack and stroke mode. I can feel my head going to implode and I cant breathe. I'm in serious trouble. I forgot to close the fuckin garage door...........

Miles per hour and beats per minute.

*long winded ramble*

For the second weekend in a row I find myself having to make a long journey without a travelling companion. Last week dumb and dumber bailed asleep on me from Galway and this week the Queen of Sheba decides the only way she could avoid getting sick every 3 minutes was to lie in the back asleep.

With that in Mind and just like a mafia movie I packed Jane into the back seat of the car with rosary beads, some holy water,a picture of padre pio and a Dunnes bag to get sick in. It was time to put on the sunglasses and focus on the best part of Dublin which is the road to Cork.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an awful slow driver and the lads in work christened me Tommy out of sminky shorts which is better than my last name of "driving miss daisy".

We just got the news that our family car is for the scrap heap at home which has emotions running high and has Jane sobbing away in the back but I think that's more to do with the rats from the booze. I hear a cry of "whyyyy" and also something about getting a new car which i ignore.She is a light weight these days.

I decide my old friend I-pod is the only man for the long road and i'll drive faster and more miles per hour with more beats per minute. I stick on a playlist called miscellaneous which is for songs that get downloaded so I can listen later.Its amazing the effect music has on us and in this case on the journey home.

First up was Johnny cash with "hurt".It starts to rain as if the weather knows Johnny is on. I immediately cry and look out the windscreen into the distance wondering where my life is going,what the future holds, will I live til I'm 90 or just another 3 years?Who would miss me, who would be there at the end?The  car is only doing 50mph. I'm hurting inside now so skip to the next song as I get overtaken by two 70 year old grannies on the motorway. I think one of them even flipped the bird.

Next up is Gilbert O'Sullivan with "Clair". I used to sing this with "Jane" in it instead of Clair so now I start to think of the pity snoring in the back. We were just at a Robbie Williams concert which was a Mother's Day present. I had asked earlier what I was getting for Father's Day and was told I'd be getting something alright. This  obviously means I'm getting nothing or else she will say I will be spoiled for the day which in turn means I won't have to make breakfast and she will go back to bed after she makes me tea and toast.I'll say I thought I was getting spoiled and she will say "cry me a river poindexter" as she goes back to bed.  That's the end of Gilbert anyway!

I hit the switch and its an ACDC double of "ace of spades" and "thunderstruck." The car hits g-force 5 and I'm sure I made it to 70/75mph which is any mans 110mph. In the distance I see that granny bird flipper. With these tunes on I picture myself becoming a mass murderer of grannies up and down the east coast of Ireland. Ill be know as the "Carlow granny basher" murdering grannies on a whim with a national manhunt around the country looking for me. I decide that this isn't the best career move and all that chopping up bodies and burying them etc seems energy sapping and I'd probably have to do nights again. Im way too lazy to be a murderer anywsy.I overtake the gran mobile and give a nod and a smile. Poor little dear. She'll be dead soon enough. (Joking)

I'm motoring well now and Sheryl Crowe my "favourite mistake" comes on. Makes me think of Jane..... Nexxxtttt I say to myself and on comes UB40 "impossible love".I think of Jane again. Neexxtt??Lol. Prodigy with "smack my bitch up" reeeaalllly makes me think of Jane now. Lol. Need to change it up.

One of the greatest songs of all time has me singing full blast with a fake microphone. There are no words for Danielle o' Donnells version of the George Strait song "I just want to dance with you". An absolute classic and my go to song for sing songs or karaoke. If only I could play the squeeze box like that. Now I know why the grannies were flat out. They were probably listening to this as well. It's their equivalent to insomnia by faithless. The car leaves the Tarmac for those 3 minutes and heads for heaven as I transcend all that is good and bad in the world. The grim reaper could tap on the window right now and I'd be happy to go with him.

There are lots of songs along the way but  as I reach Fermoy there is an unmerciful smell of shit. I hope it's not me. It's an outside smell. Christ I can taste it.It has  a tear gas affect on me. My eyes are watering and bloodshot from it. I survive but I'm getting tired.I need a lift. 

Then the I-pod kicks into a few deep house tunes. 4 classics from Dennis Ferrer especially "sinfonia della notte" and I'm sick in my stomach from rushing memories of long days and even longer nights and 4 day never ending weekenders with good good people watching the sun rise.Irreplaceable   memories. The sun now shines through the windscreen. I'm home. Home to my girls.

A hug and a kiss and a smile from my daughters. I'm bulletproof.

 

Hangover 4. Part 1.

*long winded ramble*

Lucky to be alive would be an understatement.I've been on many stags with all sorts of messing from the insane and dangerous to downright illegal actions and the only difference this time to so many others was it was ûa really good friends stag which always kicks it up a notch.Fellas begged borrowed,stole or held up their local maxol to make it and away we went to Galway. There will be  no names or major stories inline with  Article 5 section 34a of the rules of the stag act 1900. These are just some observations as always.
                                                                                                                        My car and two occupants were first to arrive at the Western Hotel in Galway on Friday around 6pm ish having made great time. A lovely lady in reception with decent enough english tells me I can't check in as I am not the person that booked it. I am never rude to people I don't know but explain nicely that the person who booked it won't be coming (a complete lie) and she is still hesitant. I offer to leave money with her or indeed sing her her favourite song and she relents and gives us a key to our apartment.
                                                                                             She then tells us getting to the private underground car park is tricky and proceeds to give me a load of information that NASA wouldn't work out.She also gives us a key fob. I told her I'd need a degree to work all that out and I'd ring her if i got stuck.35 (yes 35 mins) later and numerous incorrect turns down one way streets we still havent found the car park. You would have to see the confusion,stress,sweat and abuse I had to endure to find a car park that was 10 feet away from the hotel but impossible to find due to one way systems and 2 other close by normal car parks both of which we visited and paid to get out of.
                                                                                          At this early stage (and no beer yet) 3 lads who cannot stand the site of each other anymore and have lost the will to live, have a brain wave. We suddenly remembered that the lady said "UNDERGROUND" car park so why were we after entering 2 "OVERGROUND" car parks? Better yet we said that if we were nearby that the key fob would open pandoras box for us. Sure enough after pressing on the key fob button for about 30 seconds walking up and down we see a gate open up like something out of Indiana Jones and the stag of doom.It genuinley wasn't marked well but the sense of joy let us forget what idiots we were and for those few moments we hugged,cried and forgave each other on a side street in Galway much to the amusement of passers by.We promised to never fight with each other again.It was a life changing experience.
                                                                                         We decend to level -2 like we were told and get our gear out of the car and head to side door to go up the lift to our apartment but the door needs an access code which I left at the reception of the hotel. I take out my phone under a lot of name calling and there is no reception.This is all too much for one of the lads who has had enough like in a vietnam war movie and he goes to launch at the door with his shoulder,legs and anything else he can use but we catch him in time. We are all in a bad way emotionally but eventually get the code and go to our apartmenst which are the tonic we needed with spectacular views over eyre square and Galway Bay.
                                                                                                  Needing a beer more than air we decide to head to the hotel bar to chill out and await the arrival of the lads. The 2 lads are ripping me to shreds still with abuse when I remind them they were stupid enough to come with me as if it were me (and i wasnt driving) I'd have waited in bar til they parked. That shut them up fairly lively!
                                                                                                  As is my nature I can't leave the 2 cars about to arrive in the lurch and I help get the rest of the boys booked in and show them the car park etc with a running commentary of what had happend to us. We are naturally christened the three stooges for the remainder of the weekend but at least they bought me a pint realising you would want to be Stephen Hawking to find the fuckin car park.We all settle in for the Ireland match with all the talk being of the splendour of our apartments. I have to remind fellas to take their knickers out of their arses as  we are not a feckin hen and buy a round of tequilla. Let the games begin............


to be continued.......