We've got to stand up and be counted!

*long winded ramble*

This one will take a while so either log out or read the God damn blog. I've been thinking about ranting for a while. I never like to be serious or negative if I can help it as I have enough of that every minute of the day from others. At my worst you wouldn't know it as that's just the way I am built. I can be having the most stressful worrying anxious time yet I evolve to an outer body experience for preservation of character and to help others. I've suffered greatly at the hands of many years of poor mental health but this isn't about that.

Recently though I've been feeling all of  my 38 years and 2014 has without doubt seen some of the biggest highs of my life and also the worst lows. I'd say the good V's bad axis is bang on 50/50 so in a way I'm hoping this rant will help at least make it 51% V 49% in favour of positivity. There will be absolutely no structure or flow to the rambling which is about to come. It is just an outpouring of ventilation from the soul. I am a person searching for a meaning as to why I am here. I've always been searching but I now know why I'm here.

I like to help others. I don't do it for recognition I don't do it for reward or anything like that. People always ask me why I go to such lengths to help total strangers etc. but I just like to help. It gives me massive satisfaction to help others no matter what the cost to me personally. I also like to write. I'm not very good at it but I do like it and I'm going to do more of it from now on instead of less.

I'm genuinely concerned about our future and our society and I'm sick of people moaning and moaning and yet doing nothing to try retrieve ourselves from mental and physical oblivion. Our social media and mainstream media drives this Johnny on the spot existence we now live in where we are actually experiencing every thing that happens bad or good as it is actually happening.

Just this last fortnight off the top of my head we had killings in a hostage situation in Australia along with a mother stabbing to death 7 children as well as over 140 people (mostly kids) killed by Taliban in Pakistan. We had killings in domestic abuse this morning in Canada and dreadful stories unfold from Cobh a few days back on top of an air Asia plane crash not to mention ebola or water charges.

It's just a non stop wave after wave of bad news after bad news and hatred after hatred. It seems like nothing will stop the juggernaut of evil anymore and all we do is talk and say "oh that is awful" and move on.

I used to think that it was only because now the world is such a small place and we hear the news faster etc. but it's not. It is simply because ,bad people, evil and hatred are now starting to triumph. They really are. We are all too busy trying to claw at everyday survival to do anything about it. We don't care anymore. We say we do but we don't. We do nothing or very little. We have given up in our own little bubble worlds afraid to put our necks above the water.

We need to correct this balance and we need to do it soon. As the quote says "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing".  Martin Luther king said; "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it really is cooperating with it."

No need for anyone to start going on the street attacking bad people or no need to sign up for the army yet as the problem needs to start right at the very core of good peoples character, design and beliefs. 

To redress the balance in favour of good over evil we start at the very start again and not just jump in the middle or top end of the problem. Just like the smallies learn to plant a small sunflower seed in school, water it and watch it grow, we as a society need to plant our own sunflower seed of good.

Forget banks, politicians and corrupt governments as they have failed us over and over and the systems they have prevent any good politicians from affecting real change. Forget they even exist for now. Just start planting good seeds wherever you go. Here is just a few things anyone can do instead of moaning and doing nothing and the more people that do this the more good it leads to for all and that sunflower of good will grow and grow.

Before we even get to trying to solve the bigger picture on the national and international scene look closer to home and community. Within the four walls of your own house do a self check. We all have issues in our lives regarding physical health and mental health and we all have bills and daily worries and relationship problems. Let people know this. Talk talk talk til you are blue in the face. Most people not only don't talk but they think the problems they have are confined to just them or another few.You are in fact in the majority and not the minority especially in todays world of financial and social ruin. We are gone privacy mad. Tell people your problems. Let them Help! They will help!

Stop running from any issues you have and instead face them. Stop escaping from them and running to the couch and the wine. Face them and change them. Get up. Do something different. Do absolutely anything but run from your problems and escape them. Suicide and depression are the murder of our government and the scurge of our society. Of that I have no doubt. Just tell anyone even a stranger at a bus stop that you are struggling and I can tell you despite what people say there is a mountain of help there.

Just take that first step to decide you will speak to a family member, friend, doctor or whoever and watch what happens. Watch the relief you get initially and then leave no stone unturned to battle back to strong mental health. The mental health talk is another story and I'll be writing about that soon. This is about regaining the good in the world.

Lets start reclaiming our communities and not accepting anti-social behavior. For those of you that don't get intimidated then challenge people on respecting others. Tell people skipping queues, loitering, littering, making noise or acting the maggot to cop on. Shame them if you have to. Ask people "why are you being negative?". I do it all the time in a respectful manner and it's a great feeling.There is nothing better than telling a bunch of teenagers that are being totally disrespectful to cop themselves on. They don't even know how to handle being challenged 9 times out of 10.

For those that do get intimidated then just help a neighbor or friend with something. Call to an elderly friend you know is struggling or alone. Instill old school beliefs that you have in your own children. Teach them manners and respect. Correct them when they are wrong and correct other children when they are wrong as well and to hell with whoever gets odd with you. Lets get the respect back and not be afraid. If you don't have kids then start making them. lol.

Get involved in your community in any way small or large. Join a group and affect change instead of talking about it. Volunteer somewhere. Be strong in your opinions and beliefs but show respect for others opinion and don't get personal.Never get personal. Take pride in yourself that you are still here battling away and keep pushing that rock up that hill. Keep trying to turn that tide of negative into positive. We can all do this.

Tell people what they mean to you. Don't take those people in your life that you love for granted. Tell them how you feel. Don't be afraid to be the person you want to be. Go outside and exercise. Get fresh air. Meet people! Get their story! See how you can help? Smile! Forget about the evil that is money.

Do not look down or judge people. You don't know their story. There is bad and good in everyone. Acting out that bad or good is also a choice for everyone so choose good and positive over bad and negative. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. Stop holding grudges. Stop gossiping and reading people. Stop worrying about what others think about you. Stop trying to conform with what society wants you to.Just stop doing these things.

Negativity, hatred  hurt and pain spread like a cancer through every crack in the surface of good but if we plants the seeds of positivity and we water those seeds then positivity and good can spread just as easy and it will mushroom up the line to other things.

A good place to start and a good template is to ask yourself if you were to be given one month to live would any of the negative things or troubles in your life matter anymore. My guess is that 99% of them won't so why should they when you are still alive and kicking. We get so little time between work and sleep that it is an enormous waste of time then to spend what little time you have control over by being negative or moaning. In fact do something or just don't fuckin moan.

Anyway that's my rant over. I hope we can all claw back the good in the world because evil is winning hands down these days and while I'm sure there is more good people than bad in the world the bad people are actually doing something and they are motivated by greed and money while we all sit and watch the X-factor.

Be kinder!Be nicer! Be friendly!Be positive!It's not that hard is it?

Happy New Year to all and remember never bring a knife to a gun fight.

Poor old Luis Suarez.....

*long winded ramble*.

I have been more vocal than most this week on the 3rd Luis Suarez biting  incident and I have to say that while I do not have much sympathy for him I was no angel when I played and It's funny to me now as a ref to see the carry on from the other side of the fence.

I was a master at the dark arts and used every trick in the tool box over the years to win which is surprising for someone who was never very competitive. I played for 28 years with 12 of those at senior level.

I will however say that for me spitting,biting, hitting or kicking an opponent (on the ground or when unaware) and racism are beyond the pale and in a different class to violence or harming a player intentionally altogether.

I never once intentionally went out to hurt and opponent in a physical way but obviously down the years ended up in more scraps and 22 man brawls than I can remember.

I feel qualified in the area of spitting having been spat at twice and on one occasion it didn't end very well for the guy that spat at me or his mode of transport and I am un-apologetic to this day for my actions on that day.

I have only one regret from my playing days and that is for fighting with a player on my own team and I wholeheartedly apologise for that. It should never happen. Sorry Regi again.

I'm lucky to have had far more good days than bad days on the pitch and I can honestly say I played with some of the best characters and balm pots you'd ever care to know.I could write a book on the antics and nights out but seeing as I'm defending Luis I'll just make a list of  some of the atrocious,despicable, embarrassing and also proud incidents on the pitch. 

For anyone thinking I'm exaggerating here there are many many witnesses to each and all of these below.

I played in every single outfield position on the pitch and played in goal plenty as well. Good players can play anywhere but it was at left back and centre back I played most often. 

You often hear of me saying diving should be a red card offence and it is because of the HUNDREDS of dives I've taken over the years that I say this as a red card would have stopped me cold.We have all taken a dive. Be honest.I still would. I'd cheat at cards or tiddly winks.

I have pretended to be injured on the pitch many many times usually to get an opponent sent off or mostly to waste time. Poor old Jim Horgan was exhausted from coming on the pitch to me as I lay like a man from platoon screaming in agony all the while winking at some dub to hold out for a win.

I was the worst for doing this in the big intermediate cup games. Sorry dubs and to the guy in particular from home farm who I got sent off in Dublin only for his girlfriend to attack me in the mens toilet.Lol. You were only one of many. I will not even mention who my favourite was to get sent off or drive mad as its not fair. Don't ask me if you don't know. Some of them were all to easy though and I'd have them off by half time.

I was a big game player without doubt and was always at my best from a  playing and Tom Foolery point of view in these games home or away. As far as refs were concerned I was never one for abusing them at all but would try to deceive them in every second of the game and in every way.

Here are some other things I've done down the years:

Stole opponents footballs for our team and wrote our name on them.

Hid or poured out opponents water or hid training cones. 

Hid opponents keys to their dressing room.

Turned off warm water to opponents showers.

Punctured opponents ball off goal post hooks to waste time.

Stayed down as a keeper as the keeper does not have to leave pitch.

pretending to have something in your eye was always a great one as no-one ever questioned that or got angry about that.

Threw away an opponents boot into the bushes after it fell off him causing mayhem.

Kicked away last available ball into a river to hang onto a one nil lead when we should have been 5 down. It was our own ball. That one started a riot.

My left knee used to pop out of it's joint and I could pop it back in like Mel Gibson. My leg would look like it was completely broken at a 30 degree angle and fellas would be nearly getting sick but I would pop it back in with a huge crack and off I'd go again after wasting 10 mins.

Said despicable and awful awful things about direct opponents wives mothers sisters and daughters to provoke reaction. I'd never fail to find a way to get under a fellas skin.

Told a guy who called me an ape that I would find him and eat him and then eat his children and their children (even though they didn't have any children) along with eating everyone from his neighbours to his aunts and uncles. I was in a total spitting rage.This outburst actually stunned all 22 players and a colleague ref into absolute silence including the player who called me an ape. As the silence rang out I then in a low voice said "sorry about that bud".

I have taken advantage of poor refereeing position at corners and free kicks to pull down opponents shorts, stand on his toes, give him a wet willy or pinch him on the arm rendering him useless to affect the game.

Two of many 22 man brawls spring to mind in particular. One glorious 25 minute no holds bars proper scrap with  Rockmount that made papers and radio. I loved every minute of it and wish I could go back in a time machine to it.

On another occasion against Tralee dynamos holding on to a 3-2 lead in extra time in a youth cup quarter Final an opposition fan attacked us with a corner flag. He used it like a spear sparking off scenes you wouldn't see in game of thrones. I remember the glint in cuddles eyes as he took out his false teeth to get stuck in with bomber. Great great times.

I twice famously fell over while tackling and because I couldn't get back to my feet I decided to make last ditch tackles with my head taking the full force of ball and shot to the head. Colin Yelverton reminded me of this last week and inspired this blog along with Luis.

I could go on and on and on and probably will. Lol. So embarrassing now looking back. I'd say there wasn't a single game I played in where I didn't employ these tactics. I'm so so sorry but just like Luis I was off me trolley as a young fella.

I should get a life time ban.

Week in review #1

*Long winded ramble*

In a week that has finished with Jimmy Magee reminding me why I never watch the late late I decided even though I have no time I'd start writing the blog again as it allows me to escape the harsh realty of Groundhog Day even if the subject is normally just that. I've literally loads of stuff but I'm very lazy.

I've been exceptionally busy in a new position in work. Not sure how I feel about it but I haven't cried yet so that's a start. I have finally made my peace with exercise and now look forward to jogging with the craziness that is the wibbly wobbly wonders. It's insane the good will you feel at it and something you have to experience to understand. Everyone just forgets their troubles for an hour.If only you could bottle or and sell it.

This household has been very sick this week between flu and "chickenpops" as Mia calls them. I've been pushed to the max and my limit by my 3 girls this week but apart from running out of washing powder I'd win housewife of the year without doubt.

I'm going to keep it short for once but a special mention to my good friend Stephen Jordan who kept my secret this week when he could have destroyed me. He only didn't because he is a gent and knows it's pointless trying to shame me.

On Wednesday I brought a full bag of recycling to work with me. I was supposed to put it in the bin outside my front door but brought it to work in the car and then to my desk. It was only when someone smelt chip papers that I copped it. 

Later after work I went for a run with a 10 k work group and as I was late I changed  by the side of the pitch in a hurry. I didn't realise until I got home that I had left my runners and a pair of my Dunnes stores finest jocks pitch side so rang my local connection Stephie J to get my stuff. 

He got my runners but there was no way he was touching my jocks. Now if it was me I'd have destroyed him in work for days but to his eternal credit he said nothing out of pity for me and knowing it was pointless. I like to think my jocks are flowing in the wind in the lower harbour area finally at peace with the world and their new found freedom. 

Other highlights this week have been a good increase in the drying and long evenings and a lovely evening match in the sun in Kinsale where once again i was enjoying the match so much I forgot I was the ref. This is of course problematic when you forget to blow the whistle after a fella is almost murdered 3 feet away.

On the negative front Mia has developed a hilarious routine where she asks me for a drink or food and follows it up with "chop chop daddy". This has proved popular now with Ellie as well and Jane so now most demands are followed with "chop chop". It has stripped me of any dignity I had left.Mis also lost a front tooth and is now the spitting image and bulb off her granda Jim.

I'm off now because its Friday night and I have a dishwasher to fill. I'm living the dream. I have to rest before the breakfast rush in the morning. I've been strengthening my toast buttering hand this week with some weights. Mind yourselves lads and roll with the punches. Go hard or go home!!!!

Love and Marriage.......together.

*Long winded ramble*

As I sit here on xmas eve I'm excited about xmas of course but I'm even more excited about my ickle sister in law to be Aimee getting married on the 27th to my very good friend Johnny "the dreamboat"Cooney. I will post this blog some time on the eve of your wedding to let you know what I think of ye and offer my own advice on love and marriage. 

All I can say Aimee about Jonathan (I use full names when I'm serious)is that you have found someone who will look after you,who loves you dearly has a heart and a soul of gold and wouldn't hurt a fly so please try not to take that for granted and not hurt it particularly on bingo night.

He is undoubtedly an awful pity and half a women but who doesn't love a pity?

I consider him an extremly good friend and now he is family even though he was already anyway.He would do anything for anyone and especially for you. What you see is what you get and he hasn't a bad bone in his body.That is a rare quality in anyone. He has an honest big heart. Be careful with it. 

Jonathan where would I start with Aimee?I know her 11+ years since she was a cranky teenager who I paid to do my ironing but she is the only little sister I have ever had as my own sister is older so to me she was always my only little sister.I love her dearly and have always looked after her more than any of my other sister in laws.She has got some sneaky 20 euros down the years.

We both know that Bennett's are unique in more ways than one but one thing you could never accuse Aimee of is of being anything other than extremly kind,caring,loving and so beyond generous it is ridiculous.She also has a heart of pure gold.

Obviously she is beautiful looking and Aimee's good points simply blow any of her bad points out of the way. When I see they way she is with my two daughters I get beyond emotional to know that my children will always have her and now you in their life no matter what ever happens to me or us.

I don't think Catherine or my favourite  Bennett Liz or even Aunty William will disagree or mind when I say that Aimee is the favourite Aunt. I am so gateful for that and I don't take that for granted for one second. They cherish the ground Aimee walks on and I know you do as well even though you are a moan bag.

Obviously as much as I love you Jonathan I will however have to issue the obligatory double leg breaking warning if you were to in any way harm hurt or break Aimees heart. That goes without saying.Try scoring goals for Glenthorn  when you have 2 legs like forrest gump.Some people would say you actually run like him a bit anyway with your duck ass. 

As for advice I can offer you on marriage well it's very limited. I'm not religious (sorry Mam) despite getting married in a church myself but before I got marrried I took time to think what I wanted and therefore took the vows I made at the alter very very serious (and I'm not a serious person at all as you know).I also took them for the long haul.Those vows are what I go back to if we are having a bad patch/day. Marriage isn't always easy of course and is filled with a roller coaster of all sorts of emotion and highs and lows and that's why for me anyway it's important to remember you signed up for this and you signed up to it for life. 

There will be all sorts of problems/obstacles put in your way like stress or finacial worry or just having a bad day at the office.There will be days where you are sick of it all and wish you could be 20 again with nothing but a weekend of partying and hangovers to be responsible for but that's when you need to remember what you signed up for most. 

All those bad days or days where there may be an argument are nothing at all though compared to the deep love you have for each other. They are nothing compared to a hug or a kiss for no reason. They are nothing compared to coming home and just bursting to get in the front door to relax with your soulmate and be in their company. 

Remind yourself of this and remind each other of it often and do not forget to do it and do not take the smallest things for granted. This life is too short for silly arguments and do not let resentment or hatred into your house at any stage or in any way.Talk things through and sort out problems and don't let them crack your love. Love does and should always conquer all. 

Be there for each other and pull each other through any bad times your other half may be going through. Be there for each other always. 

I called this post "Love and marriage....... together" and it's the together part that I subscribe to most. Look across the alter to each other tomorrow and know ye are doing this together as two people.I asked myself before I got married could I and would I want to be sitting next to Jane in 50 years time and still be happy and the answer was simply and unequivocally yes. 

I hope ye laugh together. I hope ye cry together. I hope ye are sad together. I hope ye love together.I hope ye hate together. I hope ye care together. I hope ye cherish together.I hope ye are friends together I hope ye have fun together.I hope ye have many many many years TOGETHER. I can't offer you any more advice at all and all that is left for me to do is wish two people I love so dearly all the best for the big day and especially in life from Jane,your adopted daughters Mia and Eliie and myself.Don't forget to enjoy the day for gods sake. Nothing matters only sharing the day with family and friends and no matter what goes right or wrong on the day you will be surrounded by them all day. 

There isn't a meal,band,dj or mishap bad enough that can take away the fact you are getting married with all of us around. Thats all that matters. Take it all in. Every minute.

You always here me say that you have to grab everyday that you can that is good as no matter what life will 200% give you bad days so enjoy this day to the full and the next few weeks in particular.

R.I.P. snappy and spotty

*long winded ramble*

I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the recent passing of the only other males in this house which were our goldfish spotty and snappy. l went away for one weekend on a stag to return to be told that the two lads were "sleeping with the fishes". 

Since the day they were brought home they were fed twice by the children and then of course for the following 12 months I had to feed them. Goldfish are for life and not just for Xmas people.

In this mad house of women the 2 lads were always there for me in the corner of the kitchen always listening to me and never judging me and they always give me encouragement to keep going and never give up as I buttered round after round of toast and filled the dishwasher etc etc. I laughed and cried with them and I miss them terrible.

The 2 lads always loved oldies and Irish in particular on Sunday mornings with me and even Derry O Callaghan read out a text I sent one Sunday for me and the lads.

Snappy was the quiet one while spotty to be honest was a bit thick but you had to love him. He could swim away happy out for hours and hide in the castle from snappy. They were happy fish and never a bother to anyone.

When I pass that empty tank I well up and think of the good times at 3am just checking in with the lads and they always listened. No problem was to big or 2 small for them and they would blow a few bubbles of laughter when I'd tell them a joke.

I was going to involve the Gardai as I believe they may have been starved on purpose as our pet history isn't good. We had 2 kittens called Alfie and George and they never worked out. Alfie had a nervous disposition and ran away. Poor fecker was ruined with nerves and then our neighbours catknapped George who we rarely see now apart from when he kills a rat.

To think my gang here want a dog is frightening. They couldn't even feed poor snappy and spotty for a few days.I like to think that snappy and spotty are now in pet heaven with lassie and shergar having the lols and smoking cigars and playing poker or bingo laughing it up.

I took snappy and spotty down to the trees in the back garden to bury them and I played their favourite Diana Ross album to send them off and scattered what was left of the fish food over them.I thought the girls might be upset when they found out but Mia just said we can get more and not to be sad while Ellie the super thug just roared at me to get milk.I'll see ye on the other side my fishy friends.

Rest in peace spotty and snappy.

Parental Control Setting Pt. 2.

*long winded ramble* 

Well in part one we learned that Kids are essentially small idiot versions of yourself so here are a few more of my top tips to dealing with the mini-me muppets.We covered subjects like brain washing,emergency nappies,toy recycling and disraction techniques in part one and tonight I will touch on subjects like car etiquette,bribery/decision making,reverse psychology,playing dead and a few more. 

7.Bribery/decision making.This will obviously be a natural trick that parents have used for hundreds of years. You want the Child to do something but it won't do it so you bribe it with sweets or give it a choice to make.However I find parents only use this very sparingly when things are getting out of hand and they are under pressure.I use it for everything and use it every 5 minutes.

If Mia wants to stay up another 5 minutes then she gets no bed time story. If Mia wants to go to the playground then she better clean up the toys. This works for my poor soft hearted Mia very well and she understands the concept of bribery/decision making. However Ellie the super thug baby will simply have none of this bribery nonsense. If Ellie wants to stay up for 5 Mins then she is staying up I can tell you. If Ellie wants to go to the playground then you are going to the playground or suffer the worst earth shattering ,teeth grinding,exorcism scream and sturn face you have ever seen. Moral of the story here is Mia is a big wuss idiot softy like her dad and Ellie is (how do i put this)like her wildchild Mam. 

8.Cars can be very difficult for parents and there can be a lot of hassle in the car so get your car etiquette right. Always give them something to do or eat or drink in the car to start with. Make sure any food or drink they get are the exact same as if one child has something different to the other child then you know full well one child will want what the other has. This is your fault and not the childs. You are an idiot. 

If child A has a broken glass full of razor blades that is on fire then child B is going to want it regardless. Remember, they are also idiots. Always answer the Queations no matter how many times they ask. If you fawn them off with "I'm driving sweetheart so stop asking me questions" then they will be crying in minutes and kicking the seat and each other etc. and driving you nuts. I once answered 62 straight questions from Mia until she was a dribbling wreck and her brain had melted. 

Play "I spy" but give them something they will never ever guess. They keep asking is it this or that and all you have to do is say no over and over and enjoy the radio. Even if they guess it say no.!When they do get really irritated then pull out the big guns and promise them something huge that you were probably going to do or give them anyway. 

An example of this is to make a big huge circus type fuss,get all hyper and say in a dopey loud voice "who wants to go to the playground?". The dopes will instantly forget why they wanted to kill each other and be giggling like fools but you were going anyway so the joke is on them. If it gets very very bad then pull over but say nothing. Look out the window and sit there in silence. They dont know how to cope with that at all. It will take up to 5 minutes and they will be roaring crying and asking why you are stopped etc. but you will be amazed at how quick they stop crying because they have seen a butterfly or a dog out the window. 

I know im repeating myself but never forget they are idiots.Another good one if they are tense and narky is to roar "there is nanny over there" and point and then they forget what was going on while they look for fake nanny. 

The simple thing to remember for any car journey short or long is to start out well. Be on time and allow for the fact that they are stupid small people. For example if you need to be at dancing or football at 5.30 pm and the drive takes 10 minutes then 5.15 is not enough time to get them into the car unless you want world war III. You know full well the dopes wander aroound like people on LSD most of the time so at 4.45 you need to start telling them you will be leaving shortly. 

They will need 5-10 minutes to stop playing whatever they are playing.Its now 4.55 and you think you have loads of time but its going to take another ten minutes to get starskey and hutch into coats or jumpers etc. Make them go to the toilet also at gunpoint if neccessary. It's now 5.05pm an out to the car you go.Then it's another ten minutes to get them into car seats as they jump around thinking the car is brilliant and dad cant catch us. 

Eventually you get going for 5.15 the time you originally thought was alright to leave. If you do try leave at that time then you should expect WWIII and it would be your own fault. 

8.Reverse physcholgy is self explanatory as well and a very handy technique that works very well with decision making and bribery.Simple examples are: "I would love to go upstairs to make a camp but we can't as we have to put all these toys away and get into our pj's first and i cant be bothered". My girls turn into Usain Bolt if you pull this trick. You can also say "Its an awful pity ye didn't finish dinner and that ye won't stop moaning because I was going to call over to Aunty Aimee's for a cup of tea". For safety reasons you would want to actually get out of the way after saying that one because it's like a stampede then to get to the car with beans on toast everywhere. 

9.Playing dead! This one is much the same as pulling over the car. If you are all out of tricks and they are driving you spare and nothing seems to work then I'll always have playing dead in my pocket and it never fails for me but then again not everyone can managhe to block out the pain and noise of screaming or fighting kids. 

If it's all too much and you can feel the pulmonary embolism starting then just lay down where you are either on your back or on your front and literally go to another place and completely detach and withdraw. It's amazing there. Nine times out of ten if i use this im normally singing "heal the world" by wacko jacko as its just perfect for the occasion. If you sing a little bit of it there in your head you will see what I mean.

Take the 5 mins out on the floor and if they still havent come around then it's time to get a grip and show them who is boss. Drop kicks,judo chops and headlocks are all acceptable at this stage but go with bulging eyes and big deep breaths before the physical stuff as that will hold up better in court. 

10. General tips! This last one is just a few short tricks that most of you know but I like them and use them a lot. Play hide and go seek with them but obvioulsy don't find them at all around the house. You can get 4-5 mins a time watching the sports news with that one but you have to constantly shout,"I wonder where ye are?" about every 30 seconds. When they say it's your turn to hide you can say "I'm too big to hide so ye go again" and off they will trot again. 

Play hot and cold as well.Same idea! Tell them you have hidden a toy in the room and they have to find it and you say hotter/colder etc. Really hide the fecking thing like so the dummies cant find it.Just as they are about to get bored 7 or 8 minutes later show them where it is and tell them they did a great job finding it and clap very loud. Even though they didnt find it they are delighted enough to play again while you get another ten minutes of flicking through the channels (unless jane is around like). 

Building  camps is number one for getting 20 minute off.Pile the cushions and throws etc. up and build a small two bed apartment out of it and they will sit in it twiddling their thumbs like dumb and dumber for half an hour and leave you in peace. 

I'll leave it at that folks. All or none of this may or may not have happened. This is a disclaimer. Terms and conditions apply. No children were harmed in the making of this blog.Not physically anyway! 

On a serious note all kids want is your time. It's more precious than any one thing you can give them and far more valuable. It's also irreplaceable so everytime you chose to do something else over spending time with them is time you can never get back.One day they will grow and leave. Then again maybe that's heaven for some people.

We spend the first 3 years of our children's lives wishing they would walk and talk and we spend the next 10-15 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Heal the world..... Make it a better place...for you and fore me and the entire  human race.....

Parental Control Settings Pt 1.

*Long winded ramble* 

I'm not an expert on any subject and certainly not on how to be a good parent. I would never ever criticise the rules,regulations or controls another parent puts on their children and with that in mind I beg of you not to take my parental advice and tips to the gardai or the social services as I'm quite sure some of what I am about to tell you is illegal or at the very least cruel to children. 

All I know about children and their care is to keep them warm,keep them fed,keep them safe and keep them happy. The rest I'm afraid is a load of bullshit until they can learn for themselves but as i said if you want to read 50 books, feed your child wheatgrass or do what your mother,sister or uncle buck does then thats fine by me. I have 2 girls who I would (and probably will in 15 years)die for. My eldest disappointment is 4.75 years old and my youngest disappointment is 3 next week.

It's not possible for me to even attempt to tell you what to do with a moany 8 or 9 year old or a teenager as I don't have one so I'm only offering survival advice to anyone with kids my age and in particular girls. Im a child myself with the mental capacity of a 4 year old so I like to think I know what the fuckers are thinking.I've been around longer then them and have a lot of experience as a 4/5 year old myself.

The main advantage I have over dumb and dumber is my patience.I've got it in spades despite being a noisy and annoying fecker as most of you know. I can count on 2 fingers the amount of times the kids have gotten into my mind and won the battle of wits causing me to lose it. If I lose it then they have won and in my eyes the fuckers should never ever win.The shouting and roaring is done by Mammy as she takes over the world with her hoover and cleaning rag. Thats another days work though.

You've got to know your enemy so here are my top tips for those daily situations you come across in the warzone and the battle of kids v parents. 

1. Always remember you signed up for kids and there is no receipt for them. They can't be sent back to amazon so shut your moaning about being tired and being sick of them and that you need a rest or a break.Snap out of your buzz and get on with it. It's their world and you only live in it.Your life as you know it is over. Tough!  

2. Always have a spare emergency nappy and always have some emergency wipes. When you buy them in the shop go home and place 2 nappies and some wipes in a different cupoborad so when they take a "barry white" at 11pm at night you are not left without a nappy. You should also do this with toilet roll for the adults as there is nothing worse than having a white knuckler at 7am and no toilet roll. This way you can shuffle to the cupboard for the emergency one that you hid. 

3. Brain wash the dopes!They are essentially small idiot versions of yourself and are open to brain washing especially when they can't read or write or tell the time. An example of this is I always tell Mia and Ellie from 5pm on that it's time for bed. They immediately say; "no dad we want to stay up for another 5 minutes".What you then do is tell them every 5 minutes up until 7pm (real bedtime) that its bedtime until such time as the Brain washing kicks in and their tiny little pea brains snap and they go to bed thinking they have gotten away with it when in actual fact you broke their brain. You can also pretend it's any day of the week you want as they havent a clue about time or days of the week.

4. Recycle the toys and programmes. If you need a breather from playing stupid ass fairy games then get out a bag of toys they haven't seen in a few months. Even if the toys are broken it won't matter. When the new (old) toys fall onto the ground I can personally guarantee they will flock to them like dribbling zombies to check them out leaving you free to have a coffee.This also works with the tv. Put on an episode of soemthing they have never seen before or a new film etc when it's tv time and they zone out and almost try climb into the tv to get to that magical mickey mouse land like 2 hippes on acid. The tv trick also works with Jane.

5.When they are sitting still or playing quietly dont disturb them. Even if there is an imminent gas explosion or ye are due at the airport for a flight do not disturb them. I don't care if the dinner is up or its bath time or they need life saving treatment for a gaping head wound. What kind of idiot parent makes either eye,visual or voice contact with a quietly playing child.Just sit there and enjoy the break and don't speak to them because  as soon as you disturb the losers you will be asked for a drink or something to eat or in my case within seconds you will be having make up applied or playing dollies for the thousandth time. If you are out of the room while they are playing quietly then stay out of it and out of sight. I have often gone out our front door and around to the back door to get to the kitchen rather than letting them see me pass the door and disturb them.If it's raining then I crawl passed the door.

6. Learn what distraction techniques work best for your kids. I find that mine don't tend to bug me if I'm on the phone talking so if you are 45 mins into a puzzle and drawing session then make a fake phone call and talk loud and leave the room. This will buy you at least 15 mins peace and quiet. Another good one is to just get up off the ground from the princess picnic party in a panic and pretend there's is an emergency. They get stunned and speechless by this as if you had tasered them. Again this will get you out of the room for 20 mins to recover. I used to pretend I had hurt my leg or my hand but the freaks copped this and it only led to a game of doctor and i'd get a full examination south Doc style for half an hour.

I've got to go for now as the girls need me to play daddy mountain which is a game where I lie against the couch and they take it in their turns to walk along my legs and up my stomach and chest before eventually standing on my head and shoulders to jump onto the couch declaring they have climbed the daddy mountain. Mia is not to bad but Ellie the thug is rough as a badgers arse and gives you the odd kick or punch in the mouth on the way up. At least when we play this I can watch the sports news in the background as I get pummelled.

Stay tuned for part 2 of my parenting tips where we deal with bribery, bedtime and car etiquette.

Remember kids are muppets but they are your muppets.