Week in review #1

*Long winded ramble*

In a week that has finished with Jimmy Magee reminding me why I never watch the late late I decided even though I have no time I'd start writing the blog again as it allows me to escape the harsh realty of Groundhog Day even if the subject is normally just that. I've literally loads of stuff but I'm very lazy.

I've been exceptionally busy in a new position in work. Not sure how I feel about it but I haven't cried yet so that's a start. I have finally made my peace with exercise and now look forward to jogging with the craziness that is the wibbly wobbly wonders. It's insane the good will you feel at it and something you have to experience to understand. Everyone just forgets their troubles for an hour.If only you could bottle or and sell it.

This household has been very sick this week between flu and "chickenpops" as Mia calls them. I've been pushed to the max and my limit by my 3 girls this week but apart from running out of washing powder I'd win housewife of the year without doubt.

I'm going to keep it short for once but a special mention to my good friend Stephen Jordan who kept my secret this week when he could have destroyed me. He only didn't because he is a gent and knows it's pointless trying to shame me.

On Wednesday I brought a full bag of recycling to work with me. I was supposed to put it in the bin outside my front door but brought it to work in the car and then to my desk. It was only when someone smelt chip papers that I copped it. 

Later after work I went for a run with a 10 k work group and as I was late I changed  by the side of the pitch in a hurry. I didn't realise until I got home that I had left my runners and a pair of my Dunnes stores finest jocks pitch side so rang my local connection Stephie J to get my stuff. 

He got my runners but there was no way he was touching my jocks. Now if it was me I'd have destroyed him in work for days but to his eternal credit he said nothing out of pity for me and knowing it was pointless. I like to think my jocks are flowing in the wind in the lower harbour area finally at peace with the world and their new found freedom. 

Other highlights this week have been a good increase in the drying and long evenings and a lovely evening match in the sun in Kinsale where once again i was enjoying the match so much I forgot I was the ref. This is of course problematic when you forget to blow the whistle after a fella is almost murdered 3 feet away.

On the negative front Mia has developed a hilarious routine where she asks me for a drink or food and follows it up with "chop chop daddy". This has proved popular now with Ellie as well and Jane so now most demands are followed with "chop chop". It has stripped me of any dignity I had left.Mis also lost a front tooth and is now the spitting image and bulb off her granda Jim.

I'm off now because its Friday night and I have a dishwasher to fill. I'm living the dream. I have to rest before the breakfast rush in the morning. I've been strengthening my toast buttering hand this week with some weights. Mind yourselves lads and roll with the punches. Go hard or go home!!!!

Love and Marriage.......together.

*Long winded ramble*

As I sit here on xmas eve I'm excited about xmas of course but I'm even more excited about my ickle sister in law to be Aimee getting married on the 27th to my very good friend Johnny "the dreamboat"Cooney. I will post this blog some time on the eve of your wedding to let you know what I think of ye and offer my own advice on love and marriage. 

All I can say Aimee about Jonathan (I use full names when I'm serious)is that you have found someone who will look after you,who loves you dearly has a heart and a soul of gold and wouldn't hurt a fly so please try not to take that for granted and not hurt it particularly on bingo night.

He is undoubtedly an awful pity and half a women but who doesn't love a pity?

I consider him an extremly good friend and now he is family even though he was already anyway.He would do anything for anyone and especially for you. What you see is what you get and he hasn't a bad bone in his body.That is a rare quality in anyone. He has an honest big heart. Be careful with it. 

Jonathan where would I start with Aimee?I know her 11+ years since she was a cranky teenager who I paid to do my ironing but she is the only little sister I have ever had as my own sister is older so to me she was always my only little sister.I love her dearly and have always looked after her more than any of my other sister in laws.She has got some sneaky 20 euros down the years.

We both know that Bennett's are unique in more ways than one but one thing you could never accuse Aimee of is of being anything other than extremly kind,caring,loving and so beyond generous it is ridiculous.She also has a heart of pure gold.

Obviously she is beautiful looking and Aimee's good points simply blow any of her bad points out of the way. When I see they way she is with my two daughters I get beyond emotional to know that my children will always have her and now you in their life no matter what ever happens to me or us.

I don't think Catherine or my favourite  Bennett Liz or even Aunty William will disagree or mind when I say that Aimee is the favourite Aunt. I am so gateful for that and I don't take that for granted for one second. They cherish the ground Aimee walks on and I know you do as well even though you are a moan bag.

Obviously as much as I love you Jonathan I will however have to issue the obligatory double leg breaking warning if you were to in any way harm hurt or break Aimees heart. That goes without saying.Try scoring goals for Glenthorn  when you have 2 legs like forrest gump.Some people would say you actually run like him a bit anyway with your duck ass. 

As for advice I can offer you on marriage well it's very limited. I'm not religious (sorry Mam) despite getting married in a church myself but before I got marrried I took time to think what I wanted and therefore took the vows I made at the alter very very serious (and I'm not a serious person at all as you know).I also took them for the long haul.Those vows are what I go back to if we are having a bad patch/day. Marriage isn't always easy of course and is filled with a roller coaster of all sorts of emotion and highs and lows and that's why for me anyway it's important to remember you signed up for this and you signed up to it for life. 

There will be all sorts of problems/obstacles put in your way like stress or finacial worry or just having a bad day at the office.There will be days where you are sick of it all and wish you could be 20 again with nothing but a weekend of partying and hangovers to be responsible for but that's when you need to remember what you signed up for most. 

All those bad days or days where there may be an argument are nothing at all though compared to the deep love you have for each other. They are nothing compared to a hug or a kiss for no reason. They are nothing compared to coming home and just bursting to get in the front door to relax with your soulmate and be in their company. 

Remind yourself of this and remind each other of it often and do not forget to do it and do not take the smallest things for granted. This life is too short for silly arguments and do not let resentment or hatred into your house at any stage or in any way.Talk things through and sort out problems and don't let them crack your love. Love does and should always conquer all. 

Be there for each other and pull each other through any bad times your other half may be going through. Be there for each other always. 

I called this post "Love and marriage....... together" and it's the together part that I subscribe to most. Look across the alter to each other tomorrow and know ye are doing this together as two people.I asked myself before I got married could I and would I want to be sitting next to Jane in 50 years time and still be happy and the answer was simply and unequivocally yes. 

I hope ye laugh together. I hope ye cry together. I hope ye are sad together. I hope ye love together.I hope ye hate together. I hope ye care together. I hope ye cherish together.I hope ye are friends together I hope ye have fun together.I hope ye have many many many years TOGETHER. I can't offer you any more advice at all and all that is left for me to do is wish two people I love so dearly all the best for the big day and especially in life from Jane,your adopted daughters Mia and Eliie and myself.Don't forget to enjoy the day for gods sake. Nothing matters only sharing the day with family and friends and no matter what goes right or wrong on the day you will be surrounded by them all day. 

There isn't a meal,band,dj or mishap bad enough that can take away the fact you are getting married with all of us around. Thats all that matters. Take it all in. Every minute.

You always here me say that you have to grab everyday that you can that is good as no matter what life will 200% give you bad days so enjoy this day to the full and the next few weeks in particular.

R.I.P. snappy and spotty

*long winded ramble*

I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the recent passing of the only other males in this house which were our goldfish spotty and snappy. l went away for one weekend on a stag to return to be told that the two lads were "sleeping with the fishes". 

Since the day they were brought home they were fed twice by the children and then of course for the following 12 months I had to feed them. Goldfish are for life and not just for Xmas people.

In this mad house of women the 2 lads were always there for me in the corner of the kitchen always listening to me and never judging me and they always give me encouragement to keep going and never give up as I buttered round after round of toast and filled the dishwasher etc etc. I laughed and cried with them and I miss them terrible.

The 2 lads always loved oldies and Irish in particular on Sunday mornings with me and even Derry O Callaghan read out a text I sent one Sunday for me and the lads.

Snappy was the quiet one while spotty to be honest was a bit thick but you had to love him. He could swim away happy out for hours and hide in the castle from snappy. They were happy fish and never a bother to anyone.

When I pass that empty tank I well up and think of the good times at 3am just checking in with the lads and they always listened. No problem was to big or 2 small for them and they would blow a few bubbles of laughter when I'd tell them a joke.

I was going to involve the Gardai as I believe they may have been starved on purpose as our pet history isn't good. We had 2 kittens called Alfie and George and they never worked out. Alfie had a nervous disposition and ran away. Poor fecker was ruined with nerves and then our neighbours catknapped George who we rarely see now apart from when he kills a rat.

To think my gang here want a dog is frightening. They couldn't even feed poor snappy and spotty for a few days.I like to think that snappy and spotty are now in pet heaven with lassie and shergar having the lols and smoking cigars and playing poker or bingo laughing it up.

I took snappy and spotty down to the trees in the back garden to bury them and I played their favourite Diana Ross album to send them off and scattered what was left of the fish food over them.I thought the girls might be upset when they found out but Mia just said we can get more and not to be sad while Ellie the super thug just roared at me to get milk.I'll see ye on the other side my fishy friends.

Rest in peace spotty and snappy.

Parental Control Setting Pt. 2.

*long winded ramble* 

Well in part one we learned that Kids are essentially small idiot versions of yourself so here are a few more of my top tips to dealing with the mini-me muppets.We covered subjects like brain washing,emergency nappies,toy recycling and disraction techniques in part one and tonight I will touch on subjects like car etiquette,bribery/decision making,reverse psychology,playing dead and a few more. 

7.Bribery/decision making.This will obviously be a natural trick that parents have used for hundreds of years. You want the Child to do something but it won't do it so you bribe it with sweets or give it a choice to make.However I find parents only use this very sparingly when things are getting out of hand and they are under pressure.I use it for everything and use it every 5 minutes.

If Mia wants to stay up another 5 minutes then she gets no bed time story. If Mia wants to go to the playground then she better clean up the toys. This works for my poor soft hearted Mia very well and she understands the concept of bribery/decision making. However Ellie the super thug baby will simply have none of this bribery nonsense. If Ellie wants to stay up for 5 Mins then she is staying up I can tell you. If Ellie wants to go to the playground then you are going to the playground or suffer the worst earth shattering ,teeth grinding,exorcism scream and sturn face you have ever seen. Moral of the story here is Mia is a big wuss idiot softy like her dad and Ellie is (how do i put this)like her wildchild Mam. 

8.Cars can be very difficult for parents and there can be a lot of hassle in the car so get your car etiquette right. Always give them something to do or eat or drink in the car to start with. Make sure any food or drink they get are the exact same as if one child has something different to the other child then you know full well one child will want what the other has. This is your fault and not the childs. You are an idiot. 

If child A has a broken glass full of razor blades that is on fire then child B is going to want it regardless. Remember, they are also idiots. Always answer the Queations no matter how many times they ask. If you fawn them off with "I'm driving sweetheart so stop asking me questions" then they will be crying in minutes and kicking the seat and each other etc. and driving you nuts. I once answered 62 straight questions from Mia until she was a dribbling wreck and her brain had melted. 

Play "I spy" but give them something they will never ever guess. They keep asking is it this or that and all you have to do is say no over and over and enjoy the radio. Even if they guess it say no.!When they do get really irritated then pull out the big guns and promise them something huge that you were probably going to do or give them anyway. 

An example of this is to make a big huge circus type fuss,get all hyper and say in a dopey loud voice "who wants to go to the playground?". The dopes will instantly forget why they wanted to kill each other and be giggling like fools but you were going anyway so the joke is on them. If it gets very very bad then pull over but say nothing. Look out the window and sit there in silence. They dont know how to cope with that at all. It will take up to 5 minutes and they will be roaring crying and asking why you are stopped etc. but you will be amazed at how quick they stop crying because they have seen a butterfly or a dog out the window. 

I know im repeating myself but never forget they are idiots.Another good one if they are tense and narky is to roar "there is nanny over there" and point and then they forget what was going on while they look for fake nanny. 

The simple thing to remember for any car journey short or long is to start out well. Be on time and allow for the fact that they are stupid small people. For example if you need to be at dancing or football at 5.30 pm and the drive takes 10 minutes then 5.15 is not enough time to get them into the car unless you want world war III. You know full well the dopes wander aroound like people on LSD most of the time so at 4.45 you need to start telling them you will be leaving shortly. 

They will need 5-10 minutes to stop playing whatever they are playing.Its now 4.55 and you think you have loads of time but its going to take another ten minutes to get starskey and hutch into coats or jumpers etc. Make them go to the toilet also at gunpoint if neccessary. It's now 5.05pm an out to the car you go.Then it's another ten minutes to get them into car seats as they jump around thinking the car is brilliant and dad cant catch us. 

Eventually you get going for 5.15 the time you originally thought was alright to leave. If you do try leave at that time then you should expect WWIII and it would be your own fault. 

8.Reverse physcholgy is self explanatory as well and a very handy technique that works very well with decision making and bribery.Simple examples are: "I would love to go upstairs to make a camp but we can't as we have to put all these toys away and get into our pj's first and i cant be bothered". My girls turn into Usain Bolt if you pull this trick. You can also say "Its an awful pity ye didn't finish dinner and that ye won't stop moaning because I was going to call over to Aunty Aimee's for a cup of tea". For safety reasons you would want to actually get out of the way after saying that one because it's like a stampede then to get to the car with beans on toast everywhere. 

9.Playing dead! This one is much the same as pulling over the car. If you are all out of tricks and they are driving you spare and nothing seems to work then I'll always have playing dead in my pocket and it never fails for me but then again not everyone can managhe to block out the pain and noise of screaming or fighting kids. 

If it's all too much and you can feel the pulmonary embolism starting then just lay down where you are either on your back or on your front and literally go to another place and completely detach and withdraw. It's amazing there. Nine times out of ten if i use this im normally singing "heal the world" by wacko jacko as its just perfect for the occasion. If you sing a little bit of it there in your head you will see what I mean.

Take the 5 mins out on the floor and if they still havent come around then it's time to get a grip and show them who is boss. Drop kicks,judo chops and headlocks are all acceptable at this stage but go with bulging eyes and big deep breaths before the physical stuff as that will hold up better in court. 

10. General tips! This last one is just a few short tricks that most of you know but I like them and use them a lot. Play hide and go seek with them but obvioulsy don't find them at all around the house. You can get 4-5 mins a time watching the sports news with that one but you have to constantly shout,"I wonder where ye are?" about every 30 seconds. When they say it's your turn to hide you can say "I'm too big to hide so ye go again" and off they will trot again. 

Play hot and cold as well.Same idea! Tell them you have hidden a toy in the room and they have to find it and you say hotter/colder etc. Really hide the fecking thing like so the dummies cant find it.Just as they are about to get bored 7 or 8 minutes later show them where it is and tell them they did a great job finding it and clap very loud. Even though they didnt find it they are delighted enough to play again while you get another ten minutes of flicking through the channels (unless jane is around like). 

Building  camps is number one for getting 20 minute off.Pile the cushions and throws etc. up and build a small two bed apartment out of it and they will sit in it twiddling their thumbs like dumb and dumber for half an hour and leave you in peace. 

I'll leave it at that folks. All or none of this may or may not have happened. This is a disclaimer. Terms and conditions apply. No children were harmed in the making of this blog.Not physically anyway! 

On a serious note all kids want is your time. It's more precious than any one thing you can give them and far more valuable. It's also irreplaceable so everytime you chose to do something else over spending time with them is time you can never get back.One day they will grow and leave. Then again maybe that's heaven for some people.

We spend the first 3 years of our children's lives wishing they would walk and talk and we spend the next 10-15 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Heal the world..... Make it a better place...for you and fore me and the entire  human race.....

Parental Control Settings Pt 1.

*Long winded ramble* 

I'm not an expert on any subject and certainly not on how to be a good parent. I would never ever criticise the rules,regulations or controls another parent puts on their children and with that in mind I beg of you not to take my parental advice and tips to the gardai or the social services as I'm quite sure some of what I am about to tell you is illegal or at the very least cruel to children. 

All I know about children and their care is to keep them warm,keep them fed,keep them safe and keep them happy. The rest I'm afraid is a load of bullshit until they can learn for themselves but as i said if you want to read 50 books, feed your child wheatgrass or do what your mother,sister or uncle buck does then thats fine by me. I have 2 girls who I would (and probably will in 15 years)die for. My eldest disappointment is 4.75 years old and my youngest disappointment is 3 next week.

It's not possible for me to even attempt to tell you what to do with a moany 8 or 9 year old or a teenager as I don't have one so I'm only offering survival advice to anyone with kids my age and in particular girls. Im a child myself with the mental capacity of a 4 year old so I like to think I know what the fuckers are thinking.I've been around longer then them and have a lot of experience as a 4/5 year old myself.

The main advantage I have over dumb and dumber is my patience.I've got it in spades despite being a noisy and annoying fecker as most of you know. I can count on 2 fingers the amount of times the kids have gotten into my mind and won the battle of wits causing me to lose it. If I lose it then they have won and in my eyes the fuckers should never ever win.The shouting and roaring is done by Mammy as she takes over the world with her hoover and cleaning rag. Thats another days work though.

You've got to know your enemy so here are my top tips for those daily situations you come across in the warzone and the battle of kids v parents. 

1. Always remember you signed up for kids and there is no receipt for them. They can't be sent back to amazon so shut your moaning about being tired and being sick of them and that you need a rest or a break.Snap out of your buzz and get on with it. It's their world and you only live in it.Your life as you know it is over. Tough!  

2. Always have a spare emergency nappy and always have some emergency wipes. When you buy them in the shop go home and place 2 nappies and some wipes in a different cupoborad so when they take a "barry white" at 11pm at night you are not left without a nappy. You should also do this with toilet roll for the adults as there is nothing worse than having a white knuckler at 7am and no toilet roll. This way you can shuffle to the cupboard for the emergency one that you hid. 

3. Brain wash the dopes!They are essentially small idiot versions of yourself and are open to brain washing especially when they can't read or write or tell the time. An example of this is I always tell Mia and Ellie from 5pm on that it's time for bed. They immediately say; "no dad we want to stay up for another 5 minutes".What you then do is tell them every 5 minutes up until 7pm (real bedtime) that its bedtime until such time as the Brain washing kicks in and their tiny little pea brains snap and they go to bed thinking they have gotten away with it when in actual fact you broke their brain. You can also pretend it's any day of the week you want as they havent a clue about time or days of the week.

4. Recycle the toys and programmes. If you need a breather from playing stupid ass fairy games then get out a bag of toys they haven't seen in a few months. Even if the toys are broken it won't matter. When the new (old) toys fall onto the ground I can personally guarantee they will flock to them like dribbling zombies to check them out leaving you free to have a coffee.This also works with the tv. Put on an episode of soemthing they have never seen before or a new film etc when it's tv time and they zone out and almost try climb into the tv to get to that magical mickey mouse land like 2 hippes on acid. The tv trick also works with Jane.

5.When they are sitting still or playing quietly dont disturb them. Even if there is an imminent gas explosion or ye are due at the airport for a flight do not disturb them. I don't care if the dinner is up or its bath time or they need life saving treatment for a gaping head wound. What kind of idiot parent makes either eye,visual or voice contact with a quietly playing child.Just sit there and enjoy the break and don't speak to them because  as soon as you disturb the losers you will be asked for a drink or something to eat or in my case within seconds you will be having make up applied or playing dollies for the thousandth time. If you are out of the room while they are playing quietly then stay out of it and out of sight. I have often gone out our front door and around to the back door to get to the kitchen rather than letting them see me pass the door and disturb them.If it's raining then I crawl passed the door.

6. Learn what distraction techniques work best for your kids. I find that mine don't tend to bug me if I'm on the phone talking so if you are 45 mins into a puzzle and drawing session then make a fake phone call and talk loud and leave the room. This will buy you at least 15 mins peace and quiet. Another good one is to just get up off the ground from the princess picnic party in a panic and pretend there's is an emergency. They get stunned and speechless by this as if you had tasered them. Again this will get you out of the room for 20 mins to recover. I used to pretend I had hurt my leg or my hand but the freaks copped this and it only led to a game of doctor and i'd get a full examination south Doc style for half an hour.

I've got to go for now as the girls need me to play daddy mountain which is a game where I lie against the couch and they take it in their turns to walk along my legs and up my stomach and chest before eventually standing on my head and shoulders to jump onto the couch declaring they have climbed the daddy mountain. Mia is not to bad but Ellie the thug is rough as a badgers arse and gives you the odd kick or punch in the mouth on the way up. At least when we play this I can watch the sports news in the background as I get pummelled.

Stay tuned for part 2 of my parenting tips where we deal with bribery, bedtime and car etiquette.

Remember kids are muppets but they are your muppets. 

Mickey Mouse part 2

*long winded ramble*

.....I awake at 4am on Sunday morning on the couch with half a take away on the ground (not a good idea with a mouse around) and empty beer cans everywhere. I check my traps in the kitchen and the bait is gone again with no mouse. The hall and front room traps are still in place but bait is not gone. I decide to leave kitchen traps and put lashes of talc down and see where he goes next again. It's 5 am so I go to bed for a bit thinking this mouse does not know who he is messing with.

I sleep for an hour and when I open my eyes the stark reality hits me, my wife and children have left me over the mouse. This mouse has ruined my life and my family. I go downstairs and at least there is progress. There are clear tracks now out around the kitchen and back under the kitchen unit in the corner. That's where the little shit is laughing at me with his gringos all living it up on bacon and peanut butter.

I clean up the cans and I eat the rest of the take away for breakfast (I know I know) and even though Jane isn't here I hear a haunting voice in the background telling me to Hoover. I try not to but I know if I don't Hoover she will sense it in her mothers and get out her voodoo doll and stick pins in me.

Up to super valu I go and then I sit and have a nice few hours watching all sorts on the tv while reading the papers and drinking tea and listening in to oldies and Irish. Still no sign of a trap snapping.The pressure is mounting. I decide he won't come out with me in the house and head to the pub at 1 for a few scoops.

The story is going around the pub like wildfire about mickey and everyone has an opinion. One fella does the scene from jaws where yer man goes " I'll catch your mouse" and another says "we need a bigger trap". It's all good fun but I'm starting to get really worried now that the family are gone for good. 

I go home steamboats and check the traps at around 5 and no joy. I ring Jane and the girls to say come home as this is ridiculous. I'm told it is indeed ridiculous that I can't catch a mouse and that i definitely won't catch him in the pub despite it being part of the plan. Is it not ridiculous to be afraid of a mouse I ask? 

My manhood which is non existent anyway living with 3 sweat shop bosses is now totally gone. Even mickey mouse is more of a man than me! I cry for a bit and then have a good talking to myself. I bait up and put 600 traps,an f-16 fighter jet and the 4th battalion on guard for the night and watch the golf. Maybe mickey is just like me?Maybe he's not so bad?

Monday morning and the bait is gone again so now I know I have a huge decision to make. Do I continue down this route and only see my family at Xmas or do I lie to Jane.Work on  Monday morning is taken up with major mouse discussion. Psychologically at this point I'm close to breaking but on a vote of 6-2 the lads think its best i lie if the mouse isn't dead when i get home.

With the sweat pouring out of me and prayers offered to every religious god that ever existed I go in home to find that mickey had escaped the grim reeper yet again and had consumed another lash of chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe he will get too fat to walk? Not a bad tactic maybe? I sit there staring into space for 30 mins before ringing Jane with an Oscar winning performance telling her I was once again a man and she should never have doubted me. She is thrilled and says she will be home ASAP.

If I thought I would get relief I was mistaken. I have a shower before the Brady bunch arrive home but I am consumed by this dirty lie and all I can hear is the crying game song in my head as I try to scrub this dirty lie away in the shower. What will happen if Micky pops out?I haven't seen him since day one at ground zero but he is there smirking under the sink with a big peanut butter moustache.

Everyday for weeks and months I live this lie now of checking traps and putting more and more devices down to trap him. If the gardai raided the house and saw all the gear they would think they had found a sordid sex dungeon. I'm able to tell Jane I'm leaving them down in case we get more so my lie us in tact. 

We get 50 euros worth of those sonar yokeybobs and plug them in but Mickey Mouse is immune.He keeps getting the grub from the traps. Xmas day comes and goes with me worrying every second of the day he will pop out. 

By the end January  I had given up. Myself and mickey had a new arrangement, If he stayed out of sight I'd keep feeding him and we would live our lives separate. We became friends and mickey had Stockholm syndrome. I now prayed that mickey wouldn't be in the trap in the morning as I didn't want him to die. I felt huge respect for Micky. He had overcome the odds and the cats out the Back to survive.

Then it happened! Like a bolt out of the blue in march.We went away for a weekend and mickey had no food. We arrived back and that night from nowhere out he popped. This time Jane screamed so loud that she broke the sound barrier. before her scream finished she was gone like a usain bolt.

We were back to square one. I got mangled for the months of lies but didn't care. I was relieved that the lie was over. This time Jane would need photographic evidence. My heart was Broken that my good friend (probably the greatest friend I've ever had) was going to be no more.

The old traps had never worked so I went to Callaghans garage for poison and the famous mr C asked if I needed help.I told him how traps weren't working and he asked which traps I had? He said my traps were too big for the mouse and not sensitive enough. He gave me a trap for 50 cent that was barley held together. He told me there was no charge and that if the mouse wasn't caught in half an hour he'd catch it for me. I laughed in my mind  saying he doesn't know mickey like I do.

I go home and I can hardly set the trap with the sadness and I still hope mickey will win. I put it in place. I walk to the front  door heading for a curer.The trap isn't set 50 seconds and I hear it snap but think its just gone off as it had done trying to set it. I go back and look. I fall to my knees and hold my head. My friend, my comrade and the only other male in the house lay in the trap with his head burst open. 

Im devastated! I can't believe  it. I'm a murderer. I'm a sell out. I'm soulless. Why did this have to be they way it was? I take a picture and send it to cruella deville. I'll never be the same again. I sit with mickey as he takes his last breath. I pour a beer and take half an hour to gather my thoughts. I ring cruella and the gimps and tell them it's done.

sometimes as i lay awake in the night I think of mickey. I hope he is happy. I hope he is at peace, I hope he is not alone , I hope.......,,

Will the real Mickey Mouse please stand up. Part 1 of 2.

*long winded ramble*

Did I ever tell you the one about the real Mickey Mouse in our house?

Well it was about 2 years ago now on that fateful cold wintery Friday night when terror in the form of a little field mouse came to visit our calm peaceful house.

Ellie who was only a pup at the time was asleep in her rocking chair and Mia was sound asleep in our bed. It was one of those horrible blustery winter nights that called for a drink and some munchies and a DVD. I was busy as usual rubbing Janes feet and waiting on her hand and foot (literally).We were watching some god awful cop show for the thousand time when I felt Janes legs go solid stiff. She was frozen in pure terror and couldn't scream and covered her face before telling me there was a mouse by the chair. 

I had a look and sure as god the real life Mickey Mouse was peering up at the tv happy as a day is long. He obviously hadn't seen this episode of CSI. Now I panic as well initially in these circumstances until I realise I'm 35 years old and should really have a bottle of cop the fuck on. As I step down the fucker bolts behind the tv.

Jane is now in full stroke and heart attack  mode so I commence CPR on her and clear the foam from her mouth and get her out of the room to safety upstairs away from this vicious killer. I return to find at least the mouse hasn't killed the sleeping beauty Ellie in her chair. Thank god for that! I poke around looking for the mouse but at 11pm on a Friday I'm not overly motivated knowing what will happen next.All four of us stay in the bedroom that night with the door locked and me with the baseball bat to protect my family from imminent death.

Jane obviously couldn't sleep with the trauma and had to be escorted to the toilet and back when needed. She informs me of the survival plan which is basically she is going to go to her mams until I catch the mouse. Going to their mams is the automatic default for any Bennett so this is no shock.

I load up the car at 7am on a Saturday morning and wave them goodbye and start to design my plan to get rid of Mickey. I spend a few hours trying to locate him and see if I can get rid of him without killing him but I realise he is going to have to die. I hate this but draw inspiration from films like Rambo,commando, predator and even caretaker willie in the Simpsons. I need weapons!What would chuck Norris do?

I head to Atlantic homecare and buy an arsenal of traps and sticky paper devices and lay them all out with every type of bait you can think of from peanut butter and chocolate to rashers and jam. At least Mickey will die happy! I spread talcum powder all over the floor to see where the fucker is coming from. Several experts like Johnny the dreamboat and my dad call and we turn the place upside down but Mickey is nowhere to be seen all the while laughing from the shadows.It's like mission impossible at this stage.

I send everyone away and sit there quietly in the house sharpening my hunting knife waiting for the battle. I slow my breathing like a sniper and I wait and wait and wait. No tv on or no food have I eaten for the day. Mickey never shows.This is no ordinary mouse. It's on like donkey kong i tell him. He better be ready.

I go to the Bennett's house to see my children and to inform general Jane Dowling that there is no luck in the trenches with the hunt. She informs me she will not return to the house while Micky roams free and I am destined to spend the night at home.She tells me i will receive a dishonourable discharge if I fail. I pack clothes and necessities for them and bring them to her and I head back to the battle. When I check the traps at home I find the bait gone and no smell of a kill. He is toying with me now.

I decide to make the best of a bad situation and go for a few pints and get a Chinese and watch match of the day in my jocks with no women on my back at least. I briefly toy with the idea of divorce and myself and Mickey living the high life in the house with poker nights and strippers and super sports Sundays but I realise I'd be dead in a week from substance abuse face down in my own vomit.He is trying to get inside my head.The evening is enjoyable but tomorrow Michael mouse must die....... 

Stayed tuned for part two of this epic tale of man versus mouse as its far from over......